Worried Sick About Your Child's Future? How to Stop the Anxiety

 
 

There is an article called “Worried Sick About Your Child's Future? How to Stop the Anxiety” by Debbie Pincus MS LMHC

 

In this article Ms Pincus talks about a misbehaving child and how we leapfrog ahead to the future, where we see him making exactly the same kinds of mistakes in his adult life—times 10. Or your preteen daughter seems unmotivated at school and fails Algebra, and you start wondering if she’ll be able to graduate high school, or even hold a job someday.

 

It's important to understand that anxiety leads our brains to play tricks on us. It fools us out of the now and into worrying about tomorrow. Ms Pincus calls this “futurizing.” She goes on to describe how dysfunctional and nonproductive it is to futurize.” The last part of her article gives the reader five things they can do today to stop worrying and start concentrating on who your child is right now.

 
This is a great article and I suggest any parent with children (at any age) read it. I also love the word "futurizing." However, the problem with too many of us is we see the future as negative not positive. In my writings I promote seeing the future as a positive because by doing so makes the NOW more positive.

 
The one thing this article doesn't talk about is being willing to let go of the son or daughter. At some point it is much better to focus on yourself and let the child figure it out by themselves. Yes, there is a risk they will choose the wrong direction, however, it can't always be your problem and it’s rarely your fault.

 
What a parent has to realize is they don't have control of how a child will turn out. What a parent does have control of is their happiness not their child’s happiness. They can choose to have a happy life even if they have a problem child. They can choose to have a happy life even if their son or daughter gets ill or even turns to drugs, alcohol or crime.

 
A parent has a better chance of their child having a positive future if the parent has a happy present and future. I'm not making this shit up - I lived it.

 
Sooo, why can’t we just let go? It’s because we feel guilty. Our parents and their parents before them lived with guilt. If we have a problem child (again at any age) we feel it’s our fault because we believe others will believe we are bad parents. An angry family home where yelling is the norm can create a problem child. Divorce can create an angry child that acts out by doing bad things. Again, I’m not making this shit up – I lived it!

 
However, when do we sit a child down and say to them: “son, I screwed up. Your mother and I never got along and I didn’t handle it properly. You are now at an age where you have to decide if you’re going to have an unhappy life or a happy life. You can spend your life being miserable and claim you’re the way you are because my dad screwed up. Or you can spend your life happy believing my screwed up dad is not my problem it’s his problem. Son, I have forgiven myself. I can only hope you will realize this is your life and your decision on how you want to live your life.

 
I had this exact conversation (almost word for word) with my two boys when they were in their mid-teens. Although one never forgave me, they both went on to have a productive and happy life.

 
Another reason we “futurize” is because we worry if we have a bad child it would be a negative on us. How many people say: I’m so proud my daughter is a doctor.” Nobody says: “I’m so proud my son is serving 5 to 10 in prison.

 
Some of us live through our children. I believe these people have low self-esteem and need the outside world to say they’re good. A great kid will make them look good. A bad kid will make them look like a loser. Not loving yourself just the way you are even if your child is in prison is how you must live your life if you want the happiness you deserve.

 
Please take it from someone who has lived it and through it. “futurizing” about your children (no matter what age) is the wrong strategy. By doing so, you’re not going to make them the great kids you want them to be. By doing so you’re not going to get the life you deserve.

 

Your kids are who they are and what they are going to be. You are who you are and what you’re going to be.

 

ALWAYS CHOOSE HAPPINESS