Happiness In The Future

Today is today - tomorrow is tomorrow.  What you do today does not mean you will be doing the same in the future.  BTW, future does not have to mean many years from now.  It could mean weeks or months from now. 

Many things you do today are out of need (like making a living) or out of responsibility (like taking care of children, mom/dad, etc.).  However, many things you do today are because you don't know any better.

Now is the time to think about a time when you will be able to do the things you think will make you happier.  I suggest you take a piece of paper and draw a "T."  On the left side top of the "T" write "Today."  On the right side top of the "T" write Future.

Under "Today" write down all the things you do today.  An example could be:

• Work as an accountant eight hours a day
• Take care of my dog
• Spend time with my friends and family
• Date once in a while

Under "Future" write down the things you are capable doing in the future that will make you happier.  Remember, the future could be weeks or years from now.  Don't write down things you would like to do if you hit the lottery.  Be realistic.  An Example could be:

• Change jobs and go into sales
• Take care of my dog
• Spend time with my friends and family
• Get into a committed relationship
• Do something creative, like painting

Everyone of the "Future" list is realistic.  The best way to change jobs is to start doing something on the side while you maintain your current job.  The only thing that stops you from testing the waters on selling is your time.  If you are willing to use your time, after your day job, to sell something, you have the control to do so.

I'm not saying getting a full time sales job at a major company is realistic.  What I am saying is you can keep your current job and sell, at night, web adds, Mary Kay products, etc. etc.  You can do the same if you want to become a marketeer or any work related job, that makes you happy, that can be done after your day job.

If what you want to do requires training, you have the control to go to school at night.  It's all about your time and how you spend it.  After you have experienced the job you believe will make you happier, you will then know if it lives up to your expectations of happiness.  It might and it might not.  If it does, then work at it until you feel comfortable switching from your not so happy job to the happier one.

Sooo, start now.  Don't wait for the future to happen.  Make the future happen a little bit at a time.  Slow and steady does win the race.


You are not in complete control of getting into a committed relationship.  However, if you wait for someone to show up, it won't happen.  You do have control of the time available to you.  Use that time to meet people.  Go to or get involved in religious functions, community functions, political functions, etc. etc. 

BTW, you can also go to upper end bars to meet professional people (professional does not mean rich. It means someone that is professional in whatever job they do).  Ellen, Kenny (oh that guy again - my true friend the instigator.  He is going to hate me for saying that again) and me go to Wolfgangs in Beverly Hills twice a week.  We have met a lot of people and have a fun time.  Some of them have become friends.  If I were single, I would choose Wolfgangs over the Internet to find someone that I could spend my life with.

Sooo, start today.  Get out there and meet people.  The more people you meet the higher the chance you will meet your committed relationship partner.  Waiting for the future to bring someone to you will not work.


You are in control of doing something creative.  You don't have to be great at it - you just have to enjoy it.  The two most important elements in doing something creative is:

1. Something you are willing to spend your time at doing because it makes you happy
2. Do it for you not the money or anybody else.

If you follow these two simple rules, you will be happy doing something creative even if you stink at it.

Sooo, start today.  Try doing something creative.  You may love it or hate it, but you'll never know if you don't try.  Who knows, you may be good at it and that could replace your not so happy job.


Ok, what about me.  I do the "T" thing all the time.  I started at thirty nine.  My "Future" list included:

• Mentor people using my life experiences.  I tell my peeps that a Mentor is different than a Therapist.  A Therapist is book trained.  The books he obtained his information are great writings from some very knowledgeable people.  However, the Therapist has not lived it.  A Mentor is life trained. 
  
  I have had and still do have a very interesting life.  I've had the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.  If you have read my blogs you know only a small part of what I've lived through.  By living it, I can relate to the people I'm mentoring.
  
  I've been mentoring people on business at twenty two when I became a manager of people.  I didn't wait for the future.  I wanted to do it because it made me happy.
• Lecture to groups of people makes me happy.  I love to be in front of an audience.  In high school I sang on stage at my Prom.  In business I was the one they always wanted to present to the senior managers and new hires. 
  
  I thought I would become a world renowned lecturer.  At thirty nine, while keeping my day job, I started lecturing to night class groups, Universities and a boat cruise on "Taking Charge of Your Career and Your Life."
  
  I am very good at it, however I found out that making a living at lecturing is very rare.  After studying it for some time, I realized that Lecturing was show business.  Show business is a steep pyramid. Only a tiny few are successful.  Only a tiny few make a living at it.  The masses do it for love or the tiny chance they will become a star.  Almost all of them have day jobs. 
  
  I love it, but with all the commitments I had, I decided to put my creative efforts in another direction.  Ones that I had more control of.  BTW, I'm available to lecture now because I'm retired (forgive me, I haven't given you a personal plug in a long time). 
• Writing makes me happy.  When I was trying to get a lecturing gig at a university, the first question I was asked was: "are you published."  I realized that being published would get me more lectures.
  
  I published my first book "Never Buy a Hat if Your Feet Are Cold - Taking Charge of Your Career and Your Life" in 1990.  It was a big success.  However, the checks I received from the Publisher were worth a few trips to Vegas.
  
  I published my second book " The Year of My Death," a novel, in 2003.  However, this time was different.  I stopped thinking I was going to be a famous author.  I followed the two simple rules above.  Writing takes a long time.  I was willing to give up some of my free time because I enjoyed the writing.  It made me happy.  The second rule was that I wrote it for me.  If it didn't sell one copy, that was OK.  This was a story I had to get out of my system and I loved every minute of writing it.
  
  I published my third book "A True Leader Has Presence - The Six Building Blocks To Presence" in 2010.  Again I did it for the two simple rules above.  I have a treatment of my fourth book, but rule number one has changed.
• Blogging makes me real happy.  My fourth book is a novel and a very interesting story.  However, writing a book is nothing like writing a blog.  A book takes a long long time.  You have to be dedicated to giving that time.  Rule number one is: "something you are willing to spend your time at doing because it makes you happy."  Today I'm not willing to use my time to write a book. 
  
  A blog takes me a few hours.  I can use stuff I've lived.  I can use stuff I have a passion for.  I get immediate feedback from some of my readers.  All of that makes me happy.

Oh, I missed the part when two years ago I learned to play the guitar.  I really suck at it, but rock and roll and country rock fills my heart - that makes me very happy.

I did most of these things while I had a full time job.  I found the time to make me happy.  Don't let the future pass you by.  Start today creating your future.  You deserve it!!  

Happiness, Some Things To Think About

While going through my metamorphose from unhappy to happy, I found some writings that help me through.  Some, I wrote.  Some, others wrote.  Here are a few:

Regarding the importance of appreciation in regard to happiness, I, in my own words, wrote (in my first book "Never Buy a Hat If Your Feet Are Cold - Taking Charge of Your Career and Your Life) about a story Ken Keyes Jr. wrote in his book "Handbook to Higher Consciences:"

"A guy, in Africa, is being chased by tigers.  He is running like hell to get away from the tigers when he finds himself at the edge of a cliff.  The tigers are coming at him.  He looks down the cliff and sees a vine that goes from the top to the bottom.  He starts to shimmy his way down the vine.  He gets half way down, looks up and there are those tigers sitting there waiting for him.  Then he looks down and guess what, more tigers down below. 

There he is, mid way through this cliff, he has tigers up above and more tigers down below.  He looks straight ahead and sees a strawberry bush growing right out of the cliff.  He plucks one of the strawberries and eats it.  It is the best strawberry he has ever had."

If your life is tigers up above and tigers down below, always remember there are strawberries right in front of you that are delicious.   Take the time to appreciate them.  I would encourage you to appreciate the things you have in life and focus on them.  Not just appreciate them but focus on them.


Regarding the affects of "Fear of Failure" on happiness, a friend of mine wrote "Beware of the Known:"

It is not the unknown that we must fear.  As children everything was unknown.  But as we get older we start to build walls around ourselves at the limits of what we know.  We build the walls of our own jail.  The fear of failing at doing something unknown.  Too soon we build a castle of security around ourselves.  It has no doors and few windows, it is the known. 

We live and die in there with only an occasional timid peak out a high window at the unknown.  We build the walls of our known so high that we cannot escape, but our souls wither and die with lack of new experiences.  I refuse to build that wall.  Each stone I use to build it, I will use instead as a stepping stone into a new and different unknown.  And when I die, as we all do eventually, my only regret will be that I never got to discover the next unknown. 

I appreciate the known, but I refuse to limited by it.  It can be a trap if you let it and you will never experience the next unknown which is the most special unknown of all, the next one.

Fear of failure stops you from making decisions.  It stops you from making changes.  Most of all, fear of failure stops you from taking risks.  Risk taking is the unknown.  Take some risks.  you will be surprised at how good the unknown can feel. 

Being afraid of failure is never going to lead to happiness.  No risk taking is safe.  Risk taking will lead to happiness.  Sooo, take a risk. You will survive even if it doesn't go your way.


Lastly, when I managed a district of salespeople, I attached a card to their phone (landline phone - cell phones were not invented then - shit am I old).  The saying I created on the card said:

"Is what I'm doing or about to do getting me closer to my objective." 

I wanted my salespeople to think about that before they make a call to their customer or supplier.  What I realized later was that saying was a good way to run my life. 

Every day we do things that have nothing to do with our objective.  One reason for that is we don't know what our objective is.  The one I focused on was happiness.  Is what I'm doing or about to do getting me closer to happiness.

You can have more than one objective, but remember, there is only one number one objective, one number two objective, one number three objective, etc. etc. etc.  Focus on the one that will make you the happiest.

Taking Charge of Your Career and Your Life Part Four

Part 4  Figure out how you can, not why you can't.

There are things that people always do to themselves. They put up barriers in front of them and all they think about is why something can't get done.  Their first reaction is, I can't do this.

What is wrong with this picture? Rather than thinking about how they can do something they think about all the roadblocks in front of them that will stop them from doing something..  I am not saying the books you read, the things you see on video or the things you read in other's blogs that state you can do anything you put your mind to, is right.  That's not realistic. You can't do everything you would like to do.  

What I am saying is there are things you can do in your life.  There are things you have control of in your life.  Those are the things you can do. You need to think through what you are going to do and how you are going to do them. 

The things you can do could be very tough.  Some of them could be very, very painful decisions, but they are things you can do. The fact that many of these decisions are difficult and maybe painful, is why people stop thinking about how they can and focus on why they can not.  Below, is a true personal example.  It may be considered and extreme, However, if you can do something, for your happiness, that is extreme, then think about all the things you can do that are not as extreme.

At 40 years old I found myself in a very unhappy second marriage. I had a young boy who was in the hospital. I hated my job.  I was in a woe is me mental situation.  What could I do?  I was frozen in my decision making.  I just gave up. Sigmund Freud says, in these kind of situations you either flight or flee. I was in full flight. I was fleeing. I was out of here. Maybe I'll change my name, go to Florida or Hawaii, or something like that and just lay on the beach. 

I just happened to be going to therapy at this particular time. Bob said: "why don't you write down the things you could do?  The things you have control of doing?"  What could I do about my situation? This was ridiculous. What could I possible do? My life was crap.  However, I trusted Bob and wrote some things down. It took me a week, but I wrote some simple things down that I could do.

1. I could go through another painful divorce. I didn't want to do that again. Believe me it is not something I would prescribe to anybody and I did everything to avoid it, but I could go through another painful divorce. I could do that.  I knew the outcome of that divorce would have me loose all my money, again. The thing my parents cherished the most, the thing that was so sacred was security. So I could give all that up again.  I could do that.   Was it going to be fun - no. Did I want to do it - no.  However, I wrote it down because I could take control of my happiness.  Yes, I could do that.

2. My son was 60 miles away from me. What could I do? Well, I could leave work at night four to five days a week.  I could drive down to see him in the hospital. I could do that. I could give up my weekends to go see him. I could do that. Did I want to do that - no. Would I be giving up a lot of things that I wanted to do in my life - yes.  However, I could do that.

3. In my job, I could walk into my boss and say: "I don't want to do this anymore. I hate being a program business manager. I want to go back into marketing."  I could be risking my career.  My boss could think I didn't want to work for him anymore and never let me get ahead.  However, when I told him, he said: "Kenny, come on give me a break. You are a senior manager. You are going to have my job some day. What are you crazy? Why are you doing this?"  

I said: "because I'm not happy."  He said: "what does happiness have to do with it?  I'm not happy. Think about your family.  Think about the money. There are no senior jobs in marketing. You are going to wind up working for a Director. You are already a Director." I said: "I don't care.  I'm good at marketing. I like doing that. I want to go back. I have already talked to Roger, (marketing director) and he would love to have me working for him." This was very foreign to my up the ladder oriented boss.  This is not the way people think in American corporate business.  I took a big risk because, I could do it.

Sooo,  I wrote three simple things down that I could do when my life was crap. I implemented all three of those things. They were tough, they were real tough. They were not fun. Even the one about changing my job.  Believe me, when I walked around the hallways I knew people would be thinking: "I don't think Kenny asked for this demotion. I'm sure he must have done something that got him pushed back into marketing."

There were many things that I had to cope with, many things that were not fun.  I wrote these  things down and I implemented them for one reason - I could take control of my life and do something for my happiness.  Where I thought there was no way out because my life was crap.  Where I thought the only way out was to drop off the face of the earth, I fould three simple (but difficult) things that I could do to make me happy.

 Although it took a year for my actions to jell, I got back into marketing and got happy again. A year later they promoted me up the chain again.  My son got better, that was great. The divorce was tough, but when it was over I found the love of my life, Ellen and that was great, it is great and it will always be great. 

I figured out how I could and stop believing I could not.  That made me happy.  Think about the choices you make in life.  You have more control of your happiness than you think.  You just have to stop being negative about what you can not do and be positive about what you can do.  Doing so will make you happier.

Three Prescriptions To Happiness

Prescription Number Three

#3 Love Unconditionally Even If You Don't Get What you Want

Can you love your enemy? OK, probably not. Can you love a person who does not like you? Maybe. Can you love a person who disagrees with you? Probably. Can you love a person who likes you and agrees with you all the time? Yes.

Think of a world where everyone loves everybody. I know it won't happen in our lifetime. However, just think about it. There would not be any enemies. There would be people that don't like you, but they would acknowledge, respect and accept you. There would be people that disagree with you, but still love you. That's the world I choose to live in.

Sooo, how do we create a world like that? It could start with you. If you wait for everybody else to start it, it will never happen. Can one person change the world? I believe it could happen. It's called "pay it forward."

How is it making me happier to hate the Taliban. I know most of them hate me (because I'm an American), but sitting at my PC and having hatred in my heart for all of them, will not make me happier.

My first and second wives put me near bankruptcy and I was mad at them for that. But, as I began to listen to the words of Ken Keyes, I started to realize that anger was not serving me. What if I could focus on the good things that happened in our marriages? What if I could love them just the way they are? Would my life get better or worse? Once I let the anger go, my life got better.

I have a true friend who disagrees with me and sometimes instigates a fight between my wife and me. Kenny (believe it or not he has the same name) and I fight, but we love each other. We laugh together all the time. Once the fight is over, we do high fives and know that our friendship will last forever. Kenny believes in prescription number three.

I would like to think my positive energy and my lack of anger (even at people I don't like or have done me harm) has rubbed off on others. I would like to think the people I've touched understand that loving instead of hating makes them happier.

The outside world will not give you what you want all the time. Hating or angry at "them" never served me. I put myself in first position. I love myself just a little bit more than anybody or any thing else in this world. I try my best to run my life in a way the makes me happy. Believing and conducting my life as Keyes suggests in prescription number three, makes me happy.

Try it!! Take the anger and hatred out of your life. Love your enemy or people that don't act the way you want. You will feel better, your life will get better, and you will be happier. Do it for you not for me.

If you try it, maybe someone else will try it. Then someone else will try it. Then someone else will try it. If enough people try it, we are on the way to a world where everyone loves everyone else. That's the world I want my children and their children to live in, but it has to start with YOU!!!

Three Prescriptions To Happiness

Prescription Number Two

#2  "Accept What is Happening for Now."

This was the hardest prescription for me.  During the difficult times in my life I found it hard to accept what was happening to me.  I was so unhappy because all I could think about was "why me God."  I was frustrated because I could not control the negative things that were happening to me.  I was pissed off at the people that were making me unhappy, scared and frustrated.

Then I read Ken Keyes"s book and started to realize that I was making myself miserable because I just could not accept what was happening to me.  I wanted to control the uncontrollable.  I wanted the people that were doing this to me to stop.  Once I accepted (which took me a long time) what was happening to me for now, I could begin to think about what I could do (control) about it. 

After my divorce, my first wife made things so hard on my youngest son that he had a breakdown.  He was living sixty miles from me and we had to place him a facility for kids so he could recover.  I was angry at my ex, frustrated what had happened, scared he would not recover and upset that he was sixty miles away from me.  All of these feelings made me very unhappy.

By accepting what had happened and that I could not turn back the clock, I started to realize there were things I could do to help my son (and me) to get over it.  First, I had to accept that his mother did not want this for him.  She was angry at me for the divorce and she took it out on anybody that still wanted to be friends with me.  My son was one of them.  She was wrong to do so, but how would it serve me and my son if I stayed angry at her.

Second, I could make sure my son was in good hands and in the best facility I could afford.  He was and they helped him get over his problem in six months.  Today, he is a lawyer, a great husband, a great dad to my two grandchildren and a true friend of mine.

Three, I could limit my social life and drive the sixty mile to see him almost every day.  He got better and our relationship became a bond.  By not accepting, I was always unhappy and could only focus on what was happening not on what I could do about it. By accepting, I could focus on doing something about it.  I was sad about what my son was going through, but happy that I was doing the best I could do to help him.

Sooo, when things are not going the way you want, accept what is happening for now and focus on the things you could do about it now and in the future.  It might take some sacrifice, but, in the long run, it will change the negative to a positive.

You have the power and control to make choices to affect your happiness.  If you need to divorce your spouse, you probably will have to give up a lot (money, security, family being angry at you, etc).  However, will keeping your money, security, etc. make you more happy than accepting that your marriage is making you very unhappy and taking the steps, although painful, to change it. 

Please, accept today and make the sacrifice to make yourself happy. YOU DESERVE IT!!

Three Prescriptions To Happiness
Prescription Number One

"Three Prescriptions To Happiness" is a fabulous book by Ken Keyes Jr.  The book changed my life and I suggest all of you read it.  The three prescriptions are very easy to read and hard to execute.  They are:

#1  "Ask for what you want, but don't demand it." 

#2  "Accept what is happening for now."

#3  "Love unconditionally even if you don't get what you want."

Below is my interpretation of Keyes's prescription number one.  My follow on blogs will cover prescriptions two and three:

#1  "Ask for what you want, but don't demand it." 

How many times does someone ask you what you want and you say: "Oh, I'm not sure, what do you want?"  For example, you're going out to dinner with friends and they ask you: "what would you like to eat tonight?"  Is your response: "I don't care, what do you guys want to eat?"

YOU DO CARE WHAT YOU WANT TO EAT!!  Not stating it is saying you don't think of yourself as someone who has an opinion.  You don't want to be controversial.  You don't want your friends to not like you because you voiced your opinion.  Why not say: "I would like Italian, but if everyone else want something else, I'll go along with it - as long as it's not Indian food."

The friends who asked you the question want you to be happy.  They might be people that don't like to make decisions.  They probably will go to whatever restaurant you want.

Let me give you a true personal situation.  I was taking my kids to a Chinese restaurant.  I was going through my first divorce and was very sensitive to making my kids happy.  It was Christmas time.  The place was full except the last booth in the back.  When we got to the booth, I asked the kids which side of the booth they wanted to sit.  They said: "Dad we don't care."  When you sat on the seat at the left, you stared directly at a blank wall.  When you sat on the seat at the right, you stared at the beautiful Christmas tree at the front of the restaurant.

Knowing this, I again asked the kids where they wanted to sit.  They again said: "we don't care."  Then it struck me - I wanted to sit on the right so I could see the beautiful tree.  I didn't want to stare at a blank wall.  I was paying for the dinner.  The kids were just interested in the food.  After I slapped myself in the head, I said to the kids: I would prefer to sit on the right so I could see the Christmas tree - is that OK with you guys."  They said: "sure dad."

Soooo, ask for what you want, but don't demand it.  You will get what you want more times than you think and you deserve it!  Ask your spouse for sex - the worse he/she will say is not tonight and you'll say: "OK."  Ask your boss for a raise - the worse he/she will say is no and you will say with a smile: "it didn't hurt to ask."  Ask your friends to go to the Italian restaurant - the worse they will say is we don't want Italian and you will say: maybe next time - OK?"

Asking is good - demanding is bad.  Demanding is stressful.  Asking is less stressful.  Demanding assumes you won't get what you want.  Asking assumes you might get what you want, but even if you don't your life will be just fine.  Demanding will lose friends and love ones.  Asking will create more friends and love ones. 

The more they like/love you the more you will get what you want - YOU DESERVE IT!

Taking Charge of Your Career and Your Life Part Three

Take responsibility for what you do.  How does this affect your happiness? Well, if you don't do certain particular things, if you don't find mentors and you don't take responsibility for things that you want to do, you are going to wind up waiting for them to make you happy. 

Take responsibility for the things that happen to you, let me give you a scenario.  You are driving a car, you come to a light, you stop at the light.  You have done everything perfect and the person behind you doesn't stop and smashes into your car.  Your reaction probably is you want to grab this person and shake him.  You might want to beat the living hell out of this person for smashing your beautiful car. 

You want to do all those things but guess what, that is not going to get your car fixed. The bottom line is, the way you're going to get your car fixed is to take it to the shop, give it to a repair man and he is going to fix it.  Now think about that.  Somebody smashed into your car and I telling you to not get pissed off - just get your car fixed.  You might say, why shouldn't I want to strangle him - it is his fault. 

OK, so you yell at him, then what?  Well then I strangle him.  Yeah, yeah, and then what?  Then I am going to sue him!  Yeah, yeah, and then what?  The answer is you are going to take the car to a garage and pay to get the bumper fixed.  Sooo, instead of stressing yourself out, instead of getting upset, maybe, just maybe, if you are one of the enlightened people of this world, you might think: "I wonder what is wrong with this person who hit my car.  Maybe he had a bad day, maybe he is sick, maybe something is personal is going on with him." 

Rather than stressing yourself out, maybe you could figure out a way to care about the person that just hit your car.  I can tell you, if you can reach that level, your whole life will get better.  Your entire life will get better if you can stop being angry at the outside world that does bad things to you all day long.  Just focus on the things you have to do to fix your car.  It is your responsibility, that's what is going to happen.  You can spend weeks being pissed at this person, scream and yell and get yourself all upset and everything else, but it is not going to get the car fixed. 

A lot of the things I am saying here is about your career and your life.  They are all interchangeable.  It is not different in business then it is in your personal life.  The thing that I just talked about could be a scenario you could find in your mind when it comes to business or you could take that same scenario and play it out in your personal life.  Your boss yells at you for something you did not do, you could get angry or you could think he had a bad day.  Your spouse yells at you for something you did not do, you could get angry or you could think that something is bothering him/her that really has nothing to do with me - he/she is just taking it out on me. 

By taking responsibility, you have the power to turn the other cheek.  You have the power to not get upset.  You have the power to not get defensive.  You have the power to not get angry.  You are not doing it for them.  You are doing it for yourself.  Angry will not get the car fixed.  Upset will not get your boss to back off,  Defensive will not help your spouse to get over whatever is bothering him/her.  By caring for them, you will be the big winner.

If you are going to take responsibility then there is something else I want you to do.  I want you to try for one month never saying the words "should've" or "could've".  That is not easy and I have been the victim of it for many years.  There are things that I do to make sure that I don't have to say "should've" or "could've".  For example, I buy a lottery ticket.  I buy a lottery ticket every week.  I have numbers.  Ellen's birthday, my birthday. Why am I buying that lottery ticket?  Because the day I don't buy that lottery ticket those numbers are coming in and the first thing out of my mouth is "I should've bought that lottery ticket." 

I am not going to put myself in that position.  If I can't live with the "should've" or "could've", then I'm not going to put myself in a "should've"  "could've" position.  If you should've done it, then you should've done it.  If you could've done it, why didn't you do it? 

There is a reason why you didn't do it.  It could be anything, but there is a reason.  Lazy might be a bad reason, but it is a reason.  If the lottery comes in you've got to be able to live with yourself and say to yourself:  "I had reasons why I didn't do it."  Instead of walking around and beating on yourself and being angry with yourself for months or years saying I should've done this, I should've done this, I could've done this, say to yourself there was a reason (bad or good) and I choose to not dwell on it. 

There are so many things I should've done in my life that I didn't do.  There are so many things that I would like to change that I could have done that I didn't do.  This is just not about business.  It is about my personal life, it is about raising my children, about my jobs, about a million things.   I used to walk around all day long and beat the hell out of myself saying I should've done it.  I could've done this.  STOP! No more "should’ve" and "could’ve".  If you should've done it, then you should've have done.  If you could've done it, then there was reasons why you didn't do it.  It might not be good reasons.  It doesn't have to be a good reason, there was a reason why you didn't do it. 

Stop beating on yourself.  Stop being so angry with yourself.  Stop being so hard on yourself.  If you are going to put yourself in that position and you really don't want to be in that position then don't do the "should’ve" and "could’ve".  If you could've done it, do it.  No matter what it costs, I am buying that lottery ticket for that one reason.  Do I think I am going to win this lottery?  Well, hell, maybe I have a chance, however if I don't buy the ticket, I definitely won't win it.  I don't go to bed every night thinking I'm winning this lottery.  But I guarantee you the second I don't buy that ticket, those numbers are coming in.  I am not putting myself in that position. I'm taking responsibility.

People don't find the happiness they deserve for Four main reasons:

1. They don't know what they want.
2. Fear of failure stops them from making decisions and making changes.
3. Addiction (instead of preference) to money, security, ego and power limits their capability of finding happiness.
4. Pressures and expectations created by the outside world (your spouse, your friends, your boss, your commitments, etc.) becomes the reason you are not happy.

This blog covers reason one - "People don't know what they want." Future Blogs will cover the other reasons.

People just don't focus on what they want out of job, life and relationships. They just go through life not realizing how they got there. They wind up frustrated and unhappy not knowing how all this happened. Not being introspective, not taking a step back to evaluate where they are now, not thinking how they can change, and unwilling to change their life because they are afraid of the consequences leads they to the unhappiness state they are in.

When asked why did I become a lawyer they reply: "well my mother was a lawyer." When asked: "why did you get married they say:" "It was time, my girlfriend wanted to get married, all my friends are married, and my parents wanted grand children." When asked: "why did you take this job," they say: "security, money, a promotion, the power to control, my dad worked for this company, and it was the only job I could get." When asked: "why do you stay with this friend or wife/girlfriend" the say: "it's hard meeting new friends, my parents and friends like her, I'm not sure I can do better, I would have to leave the neighborhood to find new friends, my wife/girlfriend may be a pain in the ass, but the sex is great, and I can live with it as it is because changing it will be too painful."

STOP!!!! This is YOUR life. It's not your parents, friends, boss, wife, or girlfriend's life. What do YOU want? Do you want to go through life settling and accepting what the outside world gives you?

NOW is the time to collect your thoughts and be clear what you want. If you're not happy in your job - YOU can change it. Why take a promotion that will not make you happy. Why be in a profession that will not make you happy. Why work for a boss or organization that makes you unhappy. If you know what kind of job you want go for it (as long as it is reasonable and doable). You may have to turn down a promotion, ask for a transfer to a different department, change careers and start at a lower level, take less money, and lower your ego."

I was a senior executive in a job I hated. I asked for a transfer to marketing (my first love). My boss said; "Kenny, there isn't a senior job in marketing. You will have to take a demotion. You probably will have to take less money. Your going to replace me when I move on so why would you want to do this?" I said: "because I'm not happy doing this job."I asked him: "are you happy doing your job?" He said: "I don't have to be happy. The money is good, My wife likes nice things. I'm not going to tell my family and friends that I took a step down because I was unhappy."

That is when I realized that my transfer request was right. I did not want to be like him. The people (wife, friends, and family) who loved me, want me to be happy. If they didn't, then I needed to let them go. I took the demotion and went to marketing. I loved my job and my boss. Eventually, I wound up running marketing.

Now is the time to look at your personal relationships with wife, girlfriend, friends, and family. My first blog, "Three is a charm," tells how I went through two difficult divorces to find my love Ellen. We are together twenty seven years and they are the best years of my life.

If you are not happy with your wife, friends, or family, YOU can change it. Yes, it will be difficult. Yes, it will be an emotional disaster for both you and them. Yes, you will lose some friendships and some people will hate you. I had all those things happen to me. I survived. In time my life got better. People that I never thought of as dear friends, became my best friends. The people who loved me knew I was not happy and they wanted me to be happy. My kids who were upset, at the time, made a great life for themselves.

I'm not just talking about divorcing your wife. The same problems can happen when you leave your girlfriend, some friends and some family members. What good is it to have these people in your life if YOU are not happy. Life is so short. Before you know it, life will pass you by. I hope there is something more after this life, but we don't know for sure. This might be all we are going to get. Please make the most of it. Don't go through life unhappy because you don't want to deal with the problems change will cause.

Life is great if you life it. You should get all the happiness that is available to you - YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!

The second reason people have trouble finding happiness is:

"Fear of failure stops them from making decisions and making changes."

What is this fear of failure? Why, to some degree, do we all have it? How do I deal with this fear of failure and be OK making major decisions and major changes that will lead me to happiness?



What is this fear of failure? Fear of failure is not a today thing it is a future thing. We worry about making decisions or changes today because we don't know how it will affect us in the future. What if I decide to change jobs? Will I be successful? Will it make me happier? How will it affect my family and friends? If it doesn't work out, will the people who love me still love me? The same questions and concerns come into our heads if we make social decisions (like divorce) or business decisions.

The first thing I ask the people I mentor is: "what is the worst thing that could happen if you make this decision or this change?" Let's look at the future concerns stated above. What is the worst thing that might happen if your decision/change is not successful? Don't you trust yourself? You are going to put all of your effort to make it successful. You are the odds on favorite to make this a success. However, what if you're not? I will guarantee you will always have food to eat, air to breath, and shelter - everything else is cosmetic. Let me state that again: "you will always have food to eat, air to breath, and shelter - everything else is cosmetic."

How can I make that guarantee? Are you a legal citizen? Are you able to work? Do you have an education? If the answer is yes to those questions, then you will always have food to eat, air to breath, and shelter - everything else is cosmetic. When I go to home depot I see people that are not legal in this country and don't have an education. They are standing outside talking to and many times having fun with their friends while waiting for someone to give them a days work.

They are not rich nor do they have many of the cosmetic things that we take for granted, but they do have food to eat, air to breath, and shelter. They would like a better life, but they have friends and family that love them. Many of them are happy with the little they have - everything else is cosmetic. Therefore, if your decision or change is unsuccessful, YOU will survive, recover and make a better life for yourself.

Will this change or decision make me happier? Well, you're not happy now! If you were, you would not be making a major decision or change that you believe will make you happier. Soooo, what do you have to lose, take a risk, make that change, and/or make that decision. The worst that can happen is that you won't be any happier than you are now.

Always believe that you will survive - you won't die. Believe that you will recover and make other changes and/or decisions that will eventually lead to happiness.

How will it affect my family and friends? I truly believe that when you are happy the people around are happy - positive energy begets positive energy. When you are unhappy the people around you are unhappy - negative energy begets negative energy.

Be the source of positive energy. Focus on YOUR happiness first. Love yourself just a little more than any thing or any person in your life. My mother would call that attitude - selfish. However, what I have learned in life is that when I'm happy, I have so much more to give to all the people around me. Giving makes me and them happy.

If it doesn't work out will the people who love me still love me? This is when you really find out who wishes you well, who is your friend, and who loves you. I hope all your decisions go as planned, but should they not, that is when you will find out who is on your side. The people who love you love you just the way you are. The people who love you want you to be happy. Get rid of the ones that don't.

This is YOUR life not theirs. Living is not just getting through life. Living is getting the most out of life that is available to you. Your happiness is critical to you having a great life. Decisions and changes are difficult and risky. The more right decisions and changes you make will make you happier. No decision or change will never lead to the happy life you deserve. Take the risk - go for it. What's the worst that can happen.

Why, to some degree, do we all have this fear of failure? Your parents love you. They want you to be happy. Most of all, they want to protect you. Sooo, when you are growing up they say things like: "don't go into the street - you'll get hurt." "Don't put your hand in the fire you'll get burned." "Come to me for decisions because you are not old enough to make them." To some of us they are saying you are not good enough to make decisions or do things on your own. Some parents push harder than others and some of us take it harder than others.

Also, many of our parents are scared to make decisions or changes. They just go through life not focusing on their happiness. We watch that fear in them and some of us take it in more than others.

My parents put that fear of failure in me. They came through the early part of life when the great depression was happening. My father had a dead father and a sickly mother. He had to be the man of the family, at a young age, to support and protect his mother and three sisters. Living was really hard. Although he had food to eat, air to breath and shelter, every major decision was too scary. A NO decision was safer. he believed being happy was not the goal - survival was the goal.

I watched his fear and came out of it with most of it within me. He feared the future and I did also. I had no idea what the future would bring, but I feared it anyway. It took me years to truly understand that it was his fear not mine. I have a choice. I can fear the future or I can accept that I don't know what will happen so why assume it will be bad. I can trust myself that if the worst happens I will recover, make new decisions and create a happier life.

I fought so hard trying not be like him and angry with myself because I had this fear. Years later and with a great mentor, I realized the more I fought this fear the worse it became - "the more you resist the more he will insist." I had to accept this fear is inside me. I didn't put it there, but it does exist. The issue is what am I going to do about it. I decided to take the risks in life that would make me happy.

Two divorces were painful, however like my other post, three is a charm. Ellen is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I made many difficult decisions in the business area. Some made me happier and some did not. I recovered from the ones that didn't and pushed on to a happier business life. I still have that fear of failure with me all the time, however it does not stop me from pushing toward a happier life.

Life is great. It is worth living only if you decide to reach for the brass ring. YOUR happiness is in your control more than you think. You just have to put your fear of failure aside and take the risks in life that give you what you deserve - HAPPINESS!!!

The third reason people have trouble finding happiness is:

Their addiction (instead of preference) to money, security, ego and power limits their capability of finding happiness.

The difference between an addiction and a preference is an addiction is something you will never have enough. A preference is something you would like to have, but if you don't get it you are able to move on.

Everybody wants money. However, some people are addicted to it - can you spell Donald Trump. Being addicted to money will get you to make decisions that will get you more money - not more happiness. I prefer to have money, but if I don't have more, I will live on what I have. I will always have food to eat, air to breath and shelter.

Everybody wants security. However, some people are addicted to it and because of that addiction they stop taking risks, making decisions, and/or making changes that could lead to happiness. They often live in a self defined box fearing to go outside because they might have to give up their security blanket. I prefer to have security (who wouldn't), but I'm not going to stop doing the things that might lead to my happiness because I'm fearful of impacting my security.

Everybody wants ego and power rewards. However, some people are addicted to it - again, can you spell Donald Trump. Being addicted to power and ego will never lead to happiness. You will be defined by how the outside world sees you. You are addicted to the ego and power because you want "them" to believe you are "da man" (or "da woman"). My next blog will give you insight into how being concerned by the outside world affects your happiness - look for it. I prefer to have power and ego. It's nice to have the outside world look up to me. However, I love myself just the way I am. I don't need the outside world telling me I'm great - I know I'm great.

The purpose of money is the ability to shop till you drop - WRONG. The purpose of money is the ability to create security - WRONG. The purpose of money is the ability to have the outside world wish they were you - WRONG. The real purpose of money is CHOICE.

In a free and democratic society, having money gives you choices. You can choose to buy stuff. You can choose to keep it in the bank so you feel secure. You can choose to show the outside world how much money you have so they will look up to you. All of those things and many others are your choice the more money you have. If you have less money you will have less choices.

The real issue here is will you make choices that lead to your happiness? If your goal is to put your happiness in second position while you strive for more money, that's the wrong choice. If you choose to not use your money for happiness so you can feel more secure, that's the wrong choice. If you choose to spend more money than you have so you look good to others, that's the wrong choice.

I prefer more money so I have more choices. I love my life just the way it is. If I hit the lottery, my first choice would be to help others who have less choices. My first choice would not be to buy new cars, houses, and bling. My first choice would also not be to put most of it in the bank so I would never run out of it. Also, I would never use my new wealth to become something other than Kenny. Kenny is fabulous. People love Kenny. Why would I screw up the happiness I give others and they give to me just because I have more money. I'm Kenny and I will always be Kenny - rich or poor.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who would give it all away. If I won enough money, I would buy new stuff and put enough away to feel secure, however that would not be my first choice because I'm happy with what I have now.

Security is a wild card when it comes to happiness. Everybody wants to feel secure. Everybody wants security for their family. However, addiction to security can get you to live your life in a way that you don't put happiness as your first objective.

Most of us get the strong need for security from our parents. As we watch them struggle financially, we grow with this need to feel secure. If our parents were or are addicted to security it got transferred into us. If our parents didn't use the money they have to build a happier life because they felt the money made them secure - we can wind up the same. If our parents never left the box they created because the outside world was either too scary or might impact their security - we might create a box for ourselves.

If being secure truly makes you happy - I support that. If living in your self defined box truly makes you happy - I support that. However, make sure you are looking at your life without wearing blinders. It's easy to never take a risk, never make difficult decisions and/or make major changes. Not doing so will limit your risk to have a secure life. What you need to be real about is that it may also limit the happiness that is available to you if you are willing to take a few baby steps outside your security zone.

Are you in a job that you hate because it might impact your security if you make a change? Are you in a loveless marriage or relationship that does not make you happy because it might impact your security if you make a change? Are you not spending money and your time on doing something (like traveling, doing something creative, starting a side venture, etc.) that might make you happy because it might impact you and your family's security?

This is why security is a double edged sword. On the one edge we all want it. By feeling secure we feel happy. However, the other edge of the security sword could stop us from increasing the happiness that is within our reach. Life is too short, I choose to not let my strong desire to be totally secure affect my decisions, changes and risk taking to get all the happiness I deserve. I'm not going to blow it all. I going to put some aside, but, I'm going to use what I can afford toward happiness. I don't want to spend the next years of my life being unhappy because I made every decision based upon security.

WHICH SIDE OF THE SWORD ARE YOU ON?

Addiction to power and ego will never lead to happiness. This is you living your life through the outside world. It's an empty happiness. You are trying to fill a void inside you with your need to have the outside world look up to you, envy you or be afraid of you.

You will never fill that void because an addiction, by definition, means you will never have enough. You will go through life trying to fill a never ending hole in your mind. Your focus will be on your addiction not on your happiness. JFK was asked: "mister president, why do you wear off the rack suits?" JFK said: "when you are the president, you don't have to look like the president."

If you are confident in who you are, you don't need the outside world to tell you are great and powerful. My next blog (under "Happiness The Forgotten Ingredient") will discuss how the addiction to how you are perceived by the outside world affects you happiness. Look for it soon.

Taking Charge of Your Career and Your Life  Part Two

Knowing what you want out of your career and your life is important to achieving happiness. This is a tough one.  This is the one that we all struggle with.  There are very, very, very few people, in this world, who come into life knowing exactly what they want, know exactly where they are going, and know exactly what they want to do. What they do know is, if they can figure it out, they will be happier.

The first question though is, why does this happen?  How did we get into this fine mess?  Well, let’s start off with our parents.  Our parents do not grow us up and ask what makes us happy.  Our parents tell you what they think will make you happy.  If you ever had a Jewish mother, you are guaranteed unhappiness unless you're a doctor.  That is life, that is the way it works.  You have to be a doctor.  In their mind that is the way they view happiness.  They view happiness the way they think you will be happy.  In my father’s case, he believed my happiness was getting a job as a mail carrier.  Because security was critical to him, he said to me: "a mailman works for the government and therefore, will never get fired." 

It was so important to him that he tried to put his need for security inside me.  Sooo, you wind up with parents that, as you grow up, do what they think best to make you happy.  Believe me that is their goal.  They are not doing this to make your life miserable, although it may seem like it at the time.  Their goal is to make you happy, but it is their happiness.  Whatever they valued, whatever they thought was important, that is what they would do.  If you wanted to be a lifeguard, they would say: "that is no way to be happy."  I was a singer.  I loved singing.  Maybe nobody thought I was great, but in a rock -n- roll band you don’t have to be great.  My father would say: Kenny this is no way to make a living.  This is no way to be happy."  These were the things my parents said to me.  What made me real happy, didn’t make them happy.  They did so because they loved me.

OK, so parents aren't the best way to find a way to take charge of your career and your life.

Then we go off to school.  Is School going to focus on our happiness?  Is school going to help us figuring out what we want to do in our career and life?  Schools don’t do that.  That is not the purpose of schools.  Schools don't try to sort through what we are good at and what's going to make us happy.  That's just not what schools do.  Their purpose is to give us a broad curriculum and allow us figure it out for our self.   There are some unique schools that do try to help certain children focus in areas that they are very good at - that they feel will make them happy.  But in general, 99.9% of the people going through schools are getting a broad curriculum.  That means, Picasso is getting 10 math classes whether he likes it or not.  He is probably not even going to get one drawing class. 

Sooo, forget about schools - they are not going to help you take charge of your career and your life.

Then we go into our wonderful world of corporations.  Corporations are about the corporate ladder.  What does this have to do with what you want?  What does this have to do with happiness?  This has nothing to do with happiness.  This is about going up the corporate chain.  This is about getting the next box ahead of you.  This is about making your boss look good. 

Let's say you wind up in a finance job.  I never heard of a boss in business come up to an employee and say: "you know Kenny you are a great financier.  You are really fantastic at what you do.  You're making this department really grow.  You're helping me move up the chain.  We are really happy with your contribution, but I know you would be happier being a marketer so I am going to knock myself out and do everything I can to get you a great job in Marketing."  Forget it.  This is not going to happen because, very few bosses want their best employee to move to a different department - it won't help them get promoted.  They will tell you: Going to marketing will be a lateral change and will not help you move up the chain.  Moving laterally is a bad strategy.  You move up the chain by becoming a bean counter and then after you're a bean counter you're a manager of bean counters and then you're the head bean counter and then you're the head of the head bean counter. 

This is how you go, you just keep going up the chain.  Taking a side track by moving laterally to marketing and starting all over again is not the way corporations work.  This is not the way American corporations work.  It is about moving up the ladder especially if you are the best finance person. 

You would think that if I am good at what I do then they would really help me get to do the thing that I want to do.  It just doesn't work that way.  However, if you are lousy at what you do, then they might find a way to get you the hell out of finance and get you into marketing.  "You know Kenny, you are really not very good at finance, let’s try marketing.  You don’t need a brain to do marketing."  Sooo, if you are good at what you do, it is even harder.  You actually have to request (sometime demand) a change. 

I was a field systems analyst and programmer and I was good at it.  I was so good they made me a manager, a branch manager and then regional manager.  Then they wanted to make me national manager and I said : "hey, time-out guys, I want to go into sales."  They looked at me like I was from Mars.  I had to threaten to quit to get into sales because it was something I wanted to try.  My whole goal was to become president so I thought to myself: "I don’t know many presidents that are systems engineers but sales guys, they get to be presidents.  

I thought that was the right thing to do, but it didn’t matter because I was not doing it for my happiness.  I didn’t understand all this happiness stuff then.  I was just doing it to move up the chain and do what I thought I needed to do to move up that chain.  The bottom line was I had to almost threaten to quit just to get them to allow me to take a what they called a demotion. I didn't call it a demotion because to me promotion is something I want to do that is a new or incremental experience over what I am doing today.  So to me, going into sales was a major promotion not demotion.  To them this was, hey you are already a regional manager, what are you crazy, you want to be a salesman?  Corporations in America don’t do that.

Now in Japan, it's different.  There is a slight difference in Japan because in Japan their system is not a move up the chain type of system.  Their system wants their top employees to be well rounded before they get to become an executive.  They will take an engineer and make him go into marketing and finance if they think he or she has the potential to move up in the company.  They look at things on a long term basis.  We don’t look at things like that because we don't want to train this guy in finance, then in marketing and then as an engineer and have him quit.  The Japanese look at employees as if they are going to stay forever.  American corporations look at employees as someone who will use them to get trained and then quit.

Sooo, what do we have left?  We know parents, schools, and corporations aren’t going to help you take charge of your career and your life..  What is left is YOU.  It's going to be on you.  Now, the first thing you might say to yourself is: "why me God.  Why does it have to be me?  Why can’t they do it for me." 

At 40 years old I went into therapy and the therapist asked me why are you here and I said to him: I don’t have a clue why I am here.  If everybody would stop treating me like this I wouldn’t need to be here."  What a victim statement that is.  Having the responsibility for your career, your life, and your happiness is not a burden it is empowerment.  What do I mean by that?  If I have to count on them making me happy and getting my career and life going, what control do I have?  I am at the mercy of them.  If I am able to count on me then I have been empowered. 

The fact of the matter is, being on YOU means empowerment.  It means you have the power to be happy.  Whatever you define that to be.

Part three of "Taking Charge of Your Career and Your Life" will be coming soon - look for it.

Taking Charge of Your Career and Your Life  Part One

"Taking Charge of Your Career and Your Life."  Is this a blog about how to get a better job?  The answer is, no.  Is this a blog about how to make more money?  The answer is, no.  Is this a blog about how to become President?  The answer is, no.  This is a blog about happiness.  Not my happiness or their happiness.  This is a blog about your happiness. 

You might read some things about business and about social things and so on that might come off like I'm talking about your career or about your social life, but there is an underlying theme here - happiness

Why am I not talking about career or social life?  The reason is, I think  happiness is the forgotten ingredient in people’s life.  Why the hell do you want to get more money?  Happiness.  Why do you want to get a better job?  Happiness.  I can’t imagine why anybody wants to become President.  You have to be nuts to want to become President.  Even though you might feel you are trying to help other people.  The reason you are trying to help other people is happiness. 

Sooo, I think people have gotten themselves a little screwed up in their brain because I think they have forgotten the ultimate goal.  I think they have confused themselves with the ultimate goal.  They are focused on the money or they are focused on the job.  They are not focused on the end result of why they are trying to get those things, which is Happiness.  As you work so hard trying to get the things above, keep this rolling in your mind: "is what I'm doing or about to do getting me closer to my goal - happiness.

If I were to ask each of you to write down some things about what you want out of your career and life, I would have no idea what you would write.  This is what I wrote down: “I want to find happiness by being proactive towards that goal and appreciate the happiness experience along the way.”  Now let me write that again.  "I want to find happiness by being proactive." Proactive means, I'm not going to sit around and wait for them to make me happy.  I'm going to be proactive.   I'm going take action.  I'm going to do something about this. 

"I want to be proactive towards that goal and appreciate the happiness along the way."  What does that mean?  What that means to me is that while I'm being proactive towards my goal of happiness, there is a lot of bad crap going on.  However, all of a sudden some happiness shows up every once in awhile.  Sooo, I want to be able to appreciate that happiness, as it happens, along the way.  I am not trying to get to euphoria.  This is not lobotomy time.  This is real life.  This is the truth, my truth and my truth is that euphoria is not in the cards.  Life is series of all kinds of things happening to me but I am going to appreciate the happiness along the way as it comes. 

Most of you think about how you should measure your life.  I gave a lot of thought to that question.  In one short sentence: “I want to measure my life by the number of times I laugh.”  Ellen makes me laugh.  I appreciate Her.  My friends make me laugh.  My dog makes me laugh. Some of the things I write in my blogs make me laugh.  I want to be able to have fun while I'm doing all the wild and crazy things I do every day.  Now you know why I sign my emails, "have fun Kenny". 

I want to have fun.  I want to laugh.  I want to laugh even when I'm in a no fun situation.  I want to do this because that is the way I measure my life.

I've decided to break up "Taking Charge Of Your Career and Your Life" into multiple parts so you don't get bored.  Look for part two soon.

Being Spontaneous Will Make You Happy

You are never going to create all the happiness you deserve if you don't have spontaneity in your life. 

Being a spontaneous person doesn't mean you're a flake.  You just can't have a life where everything is structured, organized and controlled.  My life was like that.  My administrator knew where I was every moment of the day.  My life was like a gong, it goes off and I am supposed to be at certain place.  When a window of time opens up she would fill it in with another commitment.  My personal life was the same.  We ate the same things each day (Monday was hamburger day, Tuesday was chicken day, etc.), Saturday was movie day, sex was one way, never met new friends, never tried a new restaurant, etc, etc, etc.

When I would go on vacation, it would be the first time I was not waking up to an alarm.  One of the first rules of vacation should be to never wake up to an alarm. When I wake up I wake up.  So if I miss the helicopter ride, too bad, I slept.  When I travel out of the United States, I always bring back the currency of that country.  Why do I do that?  Because, I believe I am going to go back again.  I might not, but I believe I will. 

I have money from Cairo.  I don't know if I am ever going to go back to Cairo, but I believe I will if I want too.  Therefore, I don't have to see all of Cairo in one trip.  I don't have to have every minute of every day scheduled because I'm afraid I will never return.

When we went to Rome we only experienced less than half of Rome.  We saw some wonderful, fantastic things.  There wasn't enough days to see it all unless we spent less time seeing the Vatican, Sistine Chapel, Coliseum.  We could have gotten to very place there was in Rome in the four days we were there.  We could have done that.  However, we only saw less than half of Rome because we wanted to just lay around in our beautiful hotel, Have drinks and people watch at an outdoor cafe, spend a entire afternoon at the Vatican (you really need a week to see it all), etc.

The bottom line is we didn't view this trip as a onetime shot where we had to get everything in because we may never return.  By doing so, we could be spontaneous and do what we wanted each day.  Being spontaneous made the trip a very happy journey.  BTW, we have vacationed in Rome many times since and have still not seen it all.

So, having a life of spontaneity is critical and important for you to be able to get all the happiness you deserve.  I'm serious, you will never have all the happiness you deserve if your life is totally scheduled.  You have got to get in tune with yourself.  You have to find out what makes you happy.  Being spontaneous will help you do that. 

Now, let me give you the bad news.  Commitment equals a spontaneity drain.  Commitment sucks the life out of spontaneity.  I'm not telling you to never make commitments.  What I am telling you is you need to recognize the impact commitment has on your spontaneity and therefore your happiness.

What is commitment?  If you have children the spontaneity in your life goes away.  If you have a dog you give up a certain amount of spontaneity.  I could cope with Dweezel, who was our cat, because at least we could leave the sucker for three days and go to Vegas.  Put enough litter down and enough food and he was actually more friendly when we come home. 

Both Ellen and I love dogs, so we rescued Zita.  However, she takes spontaneity away from our life.  If you buy a new car you have given up some spontaneity to make the car payments.  Now I am not telling you don't buy cars, don't have kids, don't have pets.  What I am saying is, rationalize in your head how much spontaneity you are willing to give up for that commitment. 

That new car feels good now and it is nice and shinny, but after awhile you realize it's a piece of pretty iron that gets you to work and play.  If you are paying $500 a month for your new car that's taking $500 a month from something you could be doing that is more spontaneous. 

Sooo, just think about every one of the commitments you make in life.  Remind yourself  you are giving up something that is very, very precious to you which is called spontaneity.

Pets and Happiness

Man's best friend is not a dog.  However a pet can be a "true friend" (see my previous blog on "Friends and Happiness").   In my opinion, many of us should have a pet that makes us happy.  The problem is - are you ready for the commitment?

Our dog, Zita, was named after My wife Ellen's aunt Zita.  I named her Zita even though I never met the real Zita.  The reason I did so was because Ellen's entire family loved Zita - she was a true "loved one" (again, see my previous blog on "Friends and Happiness").  Zita was a rescue dog that needed a lot of love.  Naming her after a "loved one" allowed us to see her in a loving way.

Zita (our dog) is a "true friend" because she has delivered on the three most important elements of a "true friend."  She is there for us.  When we come home, she is waiting for us with her tail wagging trying so hard to give us a big kiss.  When Ellen had an operation she knew something was wrong and stayed by her side.  If someone tried to hurt us, Zita would risk her life to protect us.

Zita wishes us well and wants us to be happy.  When she sees us sad, she seems depressed.  When she see us happy, she is full of excitement and wants to play.  Lastly, she is the source of positive energy.  She wants us to be happy because it makes her happy.  She is never negative (unless we are negative).  When we are down, being able to hug her brings us up.  Zita, by all definitions is a true friend.

Zita is very smart, but the truth is that even the smartest dog is no smarter than a three year old child. If you ever had or took care of a three year old child you know it's a big commitment.  Having any pet is a commitment.  Ellen and I can't run off to Las Vegas when we want - we have to plan ahead to make sure Zita is taken care of.  We have to be available if she gets sick.  We have to walk, feed and play with her.  Is she easier to care for than a three year old human child - yes.  However, loving her is a commitment.

The answer to the commitment problem is - am I getting back more than I'm giving?  Does my pet make me happy?  Am I getting positive energy from my pet?  By the way, you can ask the same questions about your three year human child.  If the answer to these questions is YES, your commitment problem is solved.  Ellen and I are happy to commit to Zita.

If the answer to the above questions is NO, you are committed whether you like it or not.  Deciding to have a pet or a child is a commitment you make before they arrive.  You won't know the answers to the above questions before they arrive. It could go either way (YES or NO).  Sooo, like it or not, unless you are a heartless soul, you are committed.  Are you ready for that?  If not don't get a pet or have a child.

What if is the answer is NO?  My blogs are about happiness.  As I stated in other blogs, finding happiness, in a not so happy situation, is critical to your happiness.  I stated, if you are not happy with your job - see it as a means to an end.  If you are not happy in your relationship - make a change or focus on the parts of the relationship that makes you happy.  If you are not happy with your financial situation - remember "you will always have food to eat, air to breath, and shelter - everything else is cosmetic."

Focus on your happiness not on the things that make you unhappy.  Focus on the negative will never make you happy.  If your pet (or child) makes you unhappy, focus on the other things in your life that do make you happy.  Your are committed so make the best of a bad situation.  The more you find ways to focus on the things that makes you happy, the happier you will become.  The more you are happy, the more positive energy will be in your life.  The more positive energy in your life, the happier you will become. 

Happiness begets happiness.  Positive energy begets positive energy.  Be the source of positive energy.