What Is It Like To Be 74
I was 74 in December. If you're under sixty this blog is to let you know what's in store for you assuming you make it to 74. Below are the things I didn't know about when I was in my fifties and before.
THE BAD NEWS
* Sex is now something you fantasize about. I'm still horny and will take it anytime the wife will let me, but I'm happy she doesn't want it every day because I probably wouldn't make it to 75.
* I used to say that my back and neck hurt in the morning when I woke up because I slept on the wrong side of the bed. Now, everything hurts when I wake up no matter how I slept.
* In my yearly check-up with the doctor, he or she would give me a cardiogram. If there was a minor blip on the results the doctor would say: "that's normal." Now, any minor blip on the cardiogram they send you directly to the hospital for a shit load of tests to make sure you're not having a heart problem. That just happened to me a few weeks ago - nothing was wrong, but I had to stay overnight - UGH.
* When I would eat beans or raw vegetables, I would fart a few times for an hour. Now, I fart just eating a bagel for breakfast and it doesn't stop until the sun goes down.
* I used to poop when the feeling hit me. Now, I'm taking a bunch of stuff just so I can have a decent poop in the morning. If it doesn't happen after my morning coffee, I'm done for the day.
THE GOOD NEWS
* I used to be considerate of what I said not to offend. Now, I'm calling bullshit every chance I get. What are they going to do to an "old" man - send me to North Korea?
* Work was very stressful because I needed to support the family, keep good health insurance and feed my ego. Now, the family is either dead or old enough to make their own way. Now, I'm retired with Medicare and the stress of work is gone. Now, my stress comes from thinking if I'm going to be able to crap in the morning - that was just a joke. It's still stressful to be old, but nothing like having to work.
* I used to want nice expensive things and be unhappy if I couldn't get them. Now, I could care less. Give me a nice pair of jeans and a nice shirt and I'm good for the rest of my life. I want to look good so I give all my dressing needs to my wife. I no longer wear tight clothes. I can look good and still be comfortable. All that a tight pair of pants does for me is make me fart more.
* I used to be concerned if my hair was falling out. Now, unless it will get me laid more often, I don't give a shit. The wife cuts my hair and stiles it the best way to make me acceptable. If it was up to me, I would shave the whole f..k thing off (I'm now a low maintenance guy).
* The kids and grandkids are gone and doing well. It's a great feeling to know they will be there for me when I need them.
There are many other good and great things about being 74. The best thing is:
Being Alive And Loving Life