Why Am I In The Garage

Why Am I In The Garage

I went to the garage today and looked around asking myself "why did I come here?" I thought for a moment and then realized I needed to get something from my car. Now, I don't have Alzheimer (at least the doctor says I don't), but I do have senior moments.

When I was young my brain could process many multiple things at the same time. Even if I was drunk, I would know why I went to the garage. At 71 when I have multiple things running through my head I sometimes wonder what the hell I'm looking for in the refrigerator.

BTW, this happens to be common to many people past the age of fifty. Alzheimer is a different disease.  This is just the brain getting older and not able to process as many things at the same time as when we were younger. For us older folks we call this disease CRS - Can't Remember Shit!

It's frustrating sometimes, but once you take a short moment for your brain catch up you remember the thing, in the car, you needed. My solution is to think what I’m looking for a few times over and over again while I'm going down the stairs to the garage. That way I remove the clutter of other things I have on my mind.

There is an upside to CRS. I can watch shows I've seen before and not remember how they end. Sooo, even though I remember the characters and most of the plot, not knowing how they end allows me to enjoy the show again.

Sooo, all of you youngsters under fifty - CRS is coming your way. For all of you that already have CRS think how good it is to not remember some bad shit that happened to you, or friends you never liked in the first place or all the great movies you can see over and over again.

The moral to this story is:

Stop Being Frustrated Because You "Can't Remember Shit" And Embrace All The Positives CRS Gives You.

Remember Today - Remember Yesterday

Remember Today - Remember Yesterday

Today they hung my new painting and that put a big smile on my face.  It's on my living room wall so I can look at it when I come into the house, walk to my dining room and see it when I walk down the steps from my bedroom.  

I stare at it and think how lucky I am to have such a beautiful painting.  I know it's just a painting, but seeing it makes me happy.

On the other wall in my living room is a painting I purchased in Rome. It's from The Modern Art Museum in the Bergasue Gardens. In Rome, modern art means it was painted in the seventeenth century.

The Gardens and the Museum is just around the corner from the hotel we stayed.  It's just a print, but it also puts a smile on my face because I remember the great time Ellen and I had in Rome.

Today and every day something is happening that should make you feel good.  Today and every day you should spend a moment looking at something that puts a smile on your face. Today and every day you should take an action that will make you happy.  Do it for you because you deserve it.

But, don't forget yesterday.  There had to be times when you were the happiest.  There had to be events you just loved. There had to be relationships you still cherish.  There had to be actions you took that went great and made you feel proud. There had to be decisions you made that enriched your life.   Sooo,

Remember The Fabulous Today And The Fabulous Yesterday 

Because You Deserve It 

Makes A Blind Man Talk About Seeing Again

Makes A Blind Man Talk About Seeing Again

This line is from one of my favorite songs "One of a kind" by the Spinners.  There are special people in my life who would make a blind man talk about seeing again - take my wife please. There are special people in this world that would make you feel the same. There are special events in our life that would make you feel the same.

The problem is we don't take the time to appreciate them. We don't step back and suck it all in while thinking how lucky we are.  We don't want them so badly it makes us feel like a blind man wanting to see again.

I try to have that emotion every day. Most times I fail, but when Ellen does something special,  when a scientist makes a huge discovery or when I watch a John Fogerty concert, my positive emotions spring from my pores.

Having positive emotions is the best way to live your life.  Just going through the motions of life is not a great life. Some people believe you shouldn't show your emotions.  As they say, keep your emotions on your sleeve.  To that I say - BULLSHIT!

I want the events of my life to be so wonderfully emotional, I want to feel like:

A Blind Man Wanting To Feel Like  Seeing Again. 

Can I Speak To A Human Being - PAAALEASE

Can I Speak To A Human Being - PAAALEASE

It's that time of year when I have to contact call centers to order prescriptions, update or change medical plans, find out what happened to the items I ordered, call any of the utility or phone companies, etc. etc. etc.

As I'm sure you are aware, this is a painful process (except for Amazon). With Amazon their website gives you almost all of the information you need to track your order or return an item. They make it very easy, but should there be something you need to speak to a real person about, Amazon is one click away from getting a REAL person on the phone immediately.

Other than Amazon, all the other calls are handled by a synthetic voice system that makes you input information, asks you stupid questions and makes you so frustrated you start to scream into the phone - "Can I Speak To A Human Being - PAAALEASE." 

After pressing the "O" button on the phone and or saying "AGENT" or "HELP" or "REPRESENTATIVE," another synthetic voice comes on the line saying: "we are transferring your call to a representative." Then another synthetic voice says: "all of our agents are busy, please hold." After listening to twenty minutes of bad music, you just have to holler: "Can I Speak To A Human Being - PAAALEASE." 

Finally, a real person comes on the line and tries to answer your question. They are only able to answer your question eighty percent of the time before they have to send your call to another department. That department has their own call center and then you have to deal with that synthetic voice again. Once you finally get your answer, they have the gall to say to you: "please stay on the line and take a brief survey - of which I say NFW!"

Frustration is one of the primary causes of being unhappy. I've written many blogs that state; getting frustrated does NOT help YOU. Find a way to accept what's happening for now because we can't control the outside world, but we can control how the outside world makes us feel.

With that said, as enlightened as I am, I hate call centers (except for Amazon) and I hate that sweet frustrating synthetic voice. I'm only human and I'm mad as hell and can't take it anymore.

We live in a world of synthetic voice. Seri, Android Voice, etc. are trying to make our lives better. Many times they succeed and are getting more intelligent every year. Sooo, why can't these call centers use the intelligence of Seri? Why can't we just ask the synthetic voice a question and get an immediate answer? Or at a minimum, why can't we just say:

"Can I Speak To A Human Being - PAAALEASE!!!!"

When Is To Fat Too Fat And To Thin Too Thin

When Is To Fat Too Fat And To Thin Too Thin

Most of us think we could lose a few pounds. Many of us believe we are too fat. Many of us are wrong. My definition of too fat is when your weight affects your health - everything beyond that is cosmetic.

I used to say to everyone that I'll know I'm too fat when I can no longer get into my pants. Therefore, I spent many years stuffing myself into my too tight pants. I would have to suck in my breath to button the last button. I had to wear my pants way below my waist line. Sitting down or eating food was really uncomfortable.

A few months ago I called bullshit. The fact is in my seventy years I've only gained five pounds. What I didn't count on was that each year my chest moved closer and closer to my waist. Sooo, I got rid of my 31 and 32 inch pants and bought 33s. Now my pants fit and I walk around happy and comfortable.

Now, if a nude guy looks down and can't see his ball park frank, maybe taking off a few pounds would help. If a woman is strangling herself in Spanks so she thinks she looks better, maybe she could lose a few pounds. However:

Remember, if your weight is not affecting your health, you're not fat. It's your brain that thinks you need to lose weight. It's your brain that thinks you don't look good. If you wear weight appropriate clothes you will look great. If the outside world (media, etc.) or your spouse says "you're too fat" you tell them it's their standard not your standard.

If they won't stop, either ignore them or dump them for someone who loves the weight you are.

Ninety eight percent of women think they could never be too thin. Again, that's bullshit. Being too thin could have a major impact on your health. Sexually, a nude woman with no ass and ribs that stick out isn't giving any guy a boner. Also, when you're too thin you know the ninety eight percent of other women hate your guts.

I say, eat a cheese burger, fries and a milkshake a few times a month and put some meat on your bony ass.

Sooo, as my wife always says "listen to me." You are not too fat or too thin unless it's affecting your health. you just have to:

Love Yourself Exactly The Way You Are Because 

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

A Cure For Snoring

A Cure For Snoring

I snore. My wife snores. Even my dog snores. My snoring keeps my wife up at night.  My dog snoring doesn't bother us - we think it's cute. 

Most people don't like talking about snoring. We believe it's too personal. Men have to be the culprit because.... they are MEN. Women never believe they snore because well..... they are women. Well, I'm calling bullshit because almost everybody snores.

Sooo, it's not really about who's snoring, it's about who is keeping who up all night. Therefore, I went to my Doctor to see if he had a solution to my snoring problem. He asked me if I was sleeping OK. I said I sleep great. He then told me I don't have a problem - my wife has the problem. WOW - sounds like fantastic logic to me.

The Doctor went on to say that even his nine year old snores. He told me there is a lot of stuff out there that costs a lot of money, but none of them work well or at all. He also said the medical community doesn't see snoring as a medical problem and therefore none of them give a shit.

I believe the reason they don't give a shit is because they're all sleeping just fine - it's their spouse that's having a problem. Sooo, what can you do about it? I propose these three things:

* Fall asleep before they do. Once you're in deep sleep snoring your head off, you won't give a crap if the other person in bed with you is snoring.

* Punch, slap and/or strangle the person who is keeping you up until they stop snoring or become wide awake. That gives you time to fall asleep before them.

* Have sex in one room and sleep in separate rooms. I like the first part, but I really want to sleep next to my wife.

Well, that's all the advice I can give you - Unless you:

Dump The Snoring Son Of A Bitch And Hope The Next One Doesn't Snore 

Why Does It Only Happen In The New Year

Why Does It Only Happen In The New Year

Since January 1 how many times have you said "Happy New Year" to someone? Do you find yourself saying "Happy New Year" to people you hardly know? I know - I do.

I say it to people I cross paths with while walking the dog. I say it to the maintenance people and the gardeners who take care of my complex. I say it to the people I call on the phone to help me fix a problem or order a product or answer a question.

I go out of my way to call, text and/or email as many people I know telling them "Happy New Year." I even wished my dog "Happy New Year."  Sooo, why do I do this?

For some reason, it feels great just saying it to people. Getting a "Happy New Year" back feels even better. I guess I like to acknowledge people no matter who they are. Saying "Happy New Year" to them makes me feel I'm giving them some of my positive energy.

Now the big question - Why Does It Only Happen In The New Year? Oh sure, we say "Merry Christmas" to many people, but nothing like a hearty "Happy New Year." How about saying the following to everyone (even people you hardly know) during the whole year?

*  "To Your Health"
*  "Thank You"
*  "Have Fun"
*  "I Appreciate What You Do"
*  "Good Morning - Good Day - Good Evening"

Every one of these statements are positive. Giving out positive energy to even those you hardly know, is putting positive energy inside you. They appreciate it and their smile back to you is all you need to have a good day. 

To the special people in your life try always ending the conversation with "I Love You." To the special people in your life instead of greeting them with a hand shake give them a big hug.

Always remember, you get what you give. Doing what I'm suggesting (if you really mean it) is all about you and your happiness.  Sooo, don't let the "New Year" be the only time you give cheer. 

Give Cheer All Year Long Because You Deserve It