Positive Events That Impacted Your Life

 

 

When I mentor people I always ask them to write things down, it's the best way to enable them to carefully think about what they know or what they want to do in the future. Almost everything I ask them to write down is positive things. Remember, positive energy begets positive energy - negative energy begets negative energy. Focusing on negative things by writing them down is self-destructive.

Focusing on the positive will give you a good start toward taking charge of your happiness. Therefore, I would like you to take a few hours of your life and write down events that impacted your life in a positive way.  Here's my list:

 

• At 10 my father asked me to help out in his small hamburger joint. This had a very positive impact on my life because of many things.
   

  *  I learned how to communicate with adults 

  *  I learned how to appreciate money 

  *  I felt a sense of accomplishment when my shift was over 

  *  I got to respect my father more because of his work ethic 

  *  Although socially I didn't feel good enough, In my fathers store I was a star

   
• At almost 16 I had intercourse with a girl two years older than I. I always liked girls (even at five) and they always liked me. I kissed a lot and got to first base a few times. My very few girlfriends and I would kiss and rub our bodies together. I had many organisms with my pants on. The organisms were great, but I could have done without the sticky underwear.
  
  My first time having intercourse with this girl was a disaster (see previous blog). However, after she got me to slow down, the next few times were great for both of us. This gave me confidence around women. This made me feel I was in sexual control when I had the chance to be with other women as I got older.
  
• At 18 I had friends who were in a much higher economic class than I. These friends had good jobs or were in college (most of my friends were older than I). They liked me and thought I was bright. This gave me confidence that I could compete in a world with people much more educated and well off then I. These friends were not snobs. They were just nice upper middle class people who knew their shit stunk just like the rest of us.
  
  Being with them made me want to have a career and the money that goes with it. They had many more options in life because of their money and I wanted the same.  If I had stayed in my old poor neighborhood I might not of had the life I was able to create. A few of us got out of the old neighborhood, but most didn't amount to anything in life.
  
• At 21 my company made me a manager. Although that created major challenges and stress in my life, I realized I was trusted by my management because they believed I was an excellent team leader. I looked at management as a profession and got great pleasure helping my employees grow in their job and eventually get promoted. This was a major change in my attitude toward business. I became a fantastic negotiator of both my employees and upper management.
  
  When I went into Sales and Mergers and Acquisitions, my negotiating skills made me one of the best. That really helped my confidence and the great feeling inside that I was good enough. From a business standpoint I really liked myself. When I became an executive, I knew I could compete with the big boys.
  
• At 34 I divorced my wife. This caused a great deal of grief, many financial problems and much stress.  However, if I didn't make this major decision in my life, I would have wound up in a loveless marriage with both of us just tolerating each other the rest of our lives.
  
  This decision worked out better for both of us. My ex became a business woman running her own business. The world of social options opened up for me which would never have happened had I stayed in the marriage.
  
• At 39 I went to a therapist. Bob changed everything for me. This was the best gift I could have ever given myself. After a year I was able to realize that I really had control of my happiness. The tools Bob gave me helped greatly in making choices in my life that were for happiness not for money, ego and what I thought I needed to do to make others like me. I would not be the person I am today without deciding to see Bob.
  
• At 40 I met and fell in love with my wife Ellen. Ellen has impacted my life in so many positive ways. For the first time in my life I truly understood love. I really felt loved. I now have a soul mate that is so wonderful when we do things together. Ellen didn't create my happiness, but she made a major impact in enhancing my happiness. The combination of what Bob gave me and what Ellen keeps giving me has made me the happy person I am today.
  
• At 62 I retired from British Telecom. What a life changing event. I have almost total control of my life. I do what I want to do when I want to do it. Everyone should save their resources and plan on retirement no later than 62. It's the freedom you always wanted. I'm 68 now and these are the best years of my life.
  
  One thing to remember, if you are a negative unhappy person, retirement won't help. You'll just be a retired unhappy person with no job to go to. If you are a positive happy person, retirement will be a significant enhancement to your happiness.

Sooo, there it is - my positive impacting events that have shaped my life. It's now on paper (or electronically) for all to see. It's burned into my brain. If I ever have a bad day, I can reread this blog over and over again. That in itself will change my bad day to a good day.

Maybe you don't think it's important, but I disagree. It's very important for you to realize the positive events and decisions that have happened to you throughout your life.

 

Please, pretty please, take the time now to write down your life events. Remember just the positive ones. The negative ones will just bring you down. 

 

So Why Don't We Fix It When Everybody Knows

Everybody knows the government is spying
Everybody knows the rich are getting richer
Everybody knows the poor are crying
And everybody knows they need a preacher
Everybody knows the war isn't over
And everybody knows there will be more lows

So why don't we fix it when everybody knows


Everybody knows the system is broken
Everybody knows hatred still exists in peoples heart
Everybody knows what the politicians are smoking
And everybody knows the people are coming apart
Everybody knows something must be done about it
But everybody knows the Emperor has no clothes

So why don't we fix it when everybody knows


Everybody knows the game is just a dance
Everybody knows the winner's in the bag
Everybody knows we didn't have a chance
And everybody knows the winner's a drag
Everybody knows we'll have to live with him
And everybody knows he will reach a major low

So why don't we fix it when everybody knows


Everybody knows people are frustrated
Everybody knows it's not our problem
Yet everybody knows our lives are being infiltrated
And everybody knows it's wrong to worry
And everybody knows the problem will grow

So why don't we fix it when everybody knows


Everybody knows the people who love them
Everybody knows they might not deserve it
So everybody isn't so sure
Everybody hopes they can control it
But they still count the score
If we fear what our friends will disclose

Then why don't we fix it when everybody knows


Everybody knows happiness is the way of life
Everybody knows it's hard to get
Everybody knows they should be happy
But there is still so much they regret
Everybody knows unhappy is crappy
But they don't feel they deserve the rose

So why don't we fix it when everybody knows 

Writers Write - Artists Create - Plumbers Plumb - Teachers Teach - ETC.

I've been a businessman my entire career. However, during that career I wrote two books. Now that I'm retired, I consider myself a writer. The main reason I'm a writer is because I have a burning desire to write. I would have that intense desire even if nobody ever read the books or the blogs I've written. Writers write.

Writing makes me happy. Yesterday, I spent an hour rereading some of my blogs. When I get it right, I'm very proud of myself. I'm especially proud of yesterday's blog about my feelings toward the spying and information gathering the government, websites and marketers are doing to Americans.  Putting my feelings on a written page and then staring at the words afterword is very releasing and fulfilling.

In all four of my books and all of my blogs, my passion and my involvement is clear to anyone reading my works. Even my novel, "The Year Of My Death" has a story that includes, my wife, my sister and myself. That's really personal.

I love the passion my friend Jay has regarding his painting. He paints for himself. The other day his paintings went on display and I could see the bright light in his eyes as he looked at his paintings. I asked his wife if he would sell his paintings and she said, it's possible, but he would never let go of the really good ones. I can only assume that he is holding on to his paintings because they bring him happiness. Artists create.

Creative artists amaze me. Seeing what they are able to create brings a glow to my body and mind. I can stare at a painting, a skyscraper, a statue, a ruin, etc. for hours soaking in the fantastic creativity and wishing I could do that.

What goes unnoticed is the passion some have for their daily job. We all can't be writers or artists. However, we can have a passion and be proud of ourselves for the work we do. Most of us think of a plumber as a person who never went to college, would prefer to do something different from plumbing and/or doesn't see their job as interesting or important.

This might be true of some, but, definitely not true of the majority. We know we want the best doctor when we are ill. We also know we want the best plumber or car mechanic when a pipe bursts or our car stops running. The best plumber is one who has a passion for his work, is proud of herself when she solves a plumbing problem and is extremely happy when his customer thanks him for a job well done and pays him for the effort. This is just as true with a professional car mechanic. Plumbers plumb.

Teaching is a great job. Yes, there are some teachers that just want to get through the day, but true teachers don't worry about the money because they love to teach. If I chose another thing to do instead of business and writing, I would choose teaching. Teachers can be creative. Teachers can be great communicators. Teachers can change the lives of their students. Teachers teach.

When I went to high school I had two teachers who had a passion for their job. One was my Science teacher and the other was my Spanish teacher. My Science teacher loved science. He had so much fun teaching. He found creative ways to get me interested in science. He danced around the room like he was performing. When I spoke to him individually, I could see how happy he was about the science and also about the methods he used to teach his subject.

My Spanish teacher had the same passion. Even though I stunk at languages, I enjoyed watching him teach. He was so disappointed at me because I just couldn't grasp the language. What that told me was how much he cared about the subject he was teaching. The gigantic smile on his face when his prize pupils had conversations with him in Spanish, put a big smile on my face. He loved what he was doing and it made him happy when his students learned from him.

I could go on and on, but, I'm assuming you're getting the point of this blog. You can be a butcher, a baker or a candlestick maker and have a passion and love for what you do. The best of them are the ones that feel a pride in what they do and the happiness it brings them when they do it right.

Sooo, now I'm a writer and writing is bring happiness into my life. Am I any good at it? That's not for me to say because I'm prejudice. Anything I put on the page excites me. Therefore, since I'm excited to write it down and share it with the world, I know it's good because I accomplished it.

Look at your life. Find your passions. Give yourself a big pat on the back when you do it right.

 

Most of all - do it no matter what "it" is. Do it for yourself first and others second.

Here's Looking At You Kid

The government is spying on us. Websites are collecting mass amounts of information about us. Marketers know who we are, what we buy, where we live, what's our ethnic background, etc. etc. etc.  I know it's wrong, but I'm confused and need your help.

I know the government is spying on me and you for all the years I've been living. However, it has not affected my life. All the good and bad things that have happened in my life would have happened if the government never spied at all. Therefore, sometimes I feel like I shouldn't care. However, I know it's wrong, but I'm confused and need your help.

I use the internet a lot. Websites like Amazon know all about me. However, their knowledge of me helps me see items I might buy because they do all the search work for me. They know what I like and when they have specials on the things I like they send me an email. They make shopping so much easier. I know it's wrong, but, I'm confused and need your help.

Facebook and LinkedIn know everything about me. However, I've been able to communicate with so many people from my past it makes me happy. People I care about find me and I can get in touch with them both physically and electronically. 

I was able to find my friend George who I was best friends with in high school. He lives in Alaska now and it's been over 40 years since we talked. A few weeks ago George was in LA and we were able to spend many hours together catching up. It was one of the most enjoyable days in my life. I know it's wrong, but, I'm confused and need your help.

When I get marketing things in my email or snail mail they are targeted to my likes and needs. That's a hell of a lot better than it was 15 years ago when I would get tons of snail mail that had nothing to do with what I wanted to know about. I know it's wrong, but, I'm confused and need your help.

If I'm doing nothing wrong like cheating on my taxes, driving without a license, planning to commit a crime, etc. why should I care what they know about me. They can listen into all my phone calls and all they will get is information about when the football season is going to start. I know it's wrong, but, I'm confused and need your help.

Sooo, what's so wrong with all this spying and information collecting? Well, I grew up in the McCarthy days when people were targeted as socialists. Whether these targeted people were socialists or not, the country was so afraid of communist Russia and the thought that we Americans would lose all our freedoms, we blacklisted anyone who McCarthy and his gang of zealots said they were.

This was a dark era in American history. It was a time when one man spying and collecting information on Americans could ruin people's lives. America learned a lesson from those dark days, but they are still spying on us.

Do I feel more secure because they are spying on us? Do I feel more secure because government, websites and marketers have mucho information about me? I guess so, but I'm not sure. I know they are doing all they can to stop terrorists who have so much hatred for America and our way of life they are willing to give up their lives to take ours.

Sooo, if doing all this spying and information gathering is making me more secure I'm OK with it. However, I know it's wrong, but, I'm confused and need your help.

One thing I do know is that I can't let all this taking away some of my freedom stuff make me unhappy. I love America. If you think any other country is not spying and information gathering on its people, you're in dreamland. I can vote against it, but I can't get depressed or angry about it because that does not serve ME. I can join others who want it stopped, but I sure would miss my discounts from Amazon.

I know it's wrong, but, I'm confused and need your help.

It's Not The Years In Your Life That Count - It's The Life In Your Years

It is said that honest Abe Lincoln wrote that statement.  If so, he really did have his shit together. The entirety of my blogs and book is dedicated to that statement. In just 15 words President Lincoln has summarized what I've been writing about in my over 160 blogs.

When we were young, most of us were full of life. We were excited about so many things like:

• My first car
• My first girlfriend
• my first organism
• My first graduation
• my first job
• My first paycheck
• My first time living on my own

Life had some ups and downs, but most of us loved living it. BTW, if you're young now and not excited about life read my blogs and books because you must get the most out of the years you have left. If you let life pass you by now, you may not recover as you get older. However, so I can speak out of both sides of my mouth, up until death, you always have opportunities to take charge of your life and your happiness. If it's not going so good now don't give up on your future.

As we get older the years seem to go by very fast. The only way to slow them down is to get the most out of life every day. It's easy to say, but hard to accomplish. We are presented with so many challenges that suck the life right out of us. Here's some:

• Marriage problems
• Kids problems
• Work problems
• Failed relationships
• Health problems
• Security concerns
• Money concerns
• Ego
• The outside world not acting the way you want them to act
• Separation from friends and family because of money or work

To deal with those problems and concerns you have to believe in a few things:

• The future is going to get better
• You will get through all of these problems/concerns and come out the other side happy
• You will learn from each situation and won't make the same mistake again
• Problems and concerns can be turned around and you will like yourself more because you had the guts to take charge of the situations
• Your insecurities and fears will lessen each time you get through a tough time of your life. You'll even become proud of yourself
• As your insecurities and fears lessen you'll stop giving a shit what the outside world thinks because you know you're a good, smart, happy and life living person

Always remember, "It's Not The Years In Your Life That Count - It's The Life In Your Years" Value your life by the number of times you laugh. Value your life by the happiness YOU created. Value your life by the barriers you were able to get around. Value your life by the friendship and relationships you have made. Value your life by your maturity.  Value your life by the love, respect and trust you feel about yourself. Most of all,

 

Value your life because it may be the only one you're going to get.

Why Do Relationships End, Endure or flourish

The bottom line answer is happiness. However, we all know it's much more complex than that.  One thing is for sure. If a relationship is ending one or both parties are not happy. If a relationship is being endured one or both parties are not happy. If a relationship is flourishing both parties are happy.

BTW, I'm talking about all relationships not just married people. Friendships, family and employee relationships end, endure and flourish.

Relationships end for many reasons. I'm going to list just a few:

• The two parties grow apart as they get older. You are not the same person at 20 than you are at 30, 40, 50, etc. Some people have a very different view of life then the person they are having a relationship with. This is not a rare occurrence it's a natural evolution. One or both parties become, over time, unhappy with the way the other party views life.
  
  When this happens, the relationship has a chance to end in friendship if both parties realize and accept the differences in each other. However, what usually happens is one or both parties become angry and frustrated and use that excuse to force an end of the relationship. It's sad when that happens, because if they would just talk to each other about how they have become different, they might be able to end the relationship without any negative feelings toward each other.
  
• One or both parties stop trusting the other. Cheating does not have to mean that one party had sex with someone else. Cheating takes many forms. Stealing anything no matter how small is cheating your partner. Lying about anything is cheating your partner.
  
  By doing so your partner feels violated. By doing so, your partner no longer has the same amount of trust in the relationship. Losing trust marks the end of a relationship. It's very hard to end the relationship on good terms when trust is lost.
  
  Apologizing isn't good enough. Explaining why you cheated isn't good enough.  Even if you can come up with a fantastic reason why you stole, lied or cheated, the other party will always have in the back of their mind that you might not be trustworthy. Even if the other party accepts your reasons, over time that little person in the back of their mind is watching out for the next shoe to fall.
  
  The stress of that deep feeling eventually blows up in a fight and the downfall of the relationship. Both parties leave unhappy and rarely become friends again.
  
• Distance does not make the heart grow fonder. Distance is a relationship killer. A long distance relationship almost never works. A long distance friendship does endure. However, a relationship has many more expectations than a friendship.
  
  Being removed from your partner opens up many, many opportunities to destroy a relationship. As you are away, your view of life is changing in many more ways than it would change if you were at home. You're surrounded by new sights, new people, new culture, new entertainment and new options.
  
  In time you may look upon your relationship as something old that you don't want to go back to. You may be enticed to cheat because the distance makes you feel it's OK. The daily phone calls become boring because there isn't much new to talk about. Small white lies become the norm.
  
  When you do get back together again, the other party will know that something is different. This will create insecurity within them. They will then start asking more pointed questions and you will escalate the small white lies into full blown lies. The lying will eat at you because you do like or even love the other person, but you don't want to go back to the way things were before.
  
  It won't take very long for the relationship to fall apart. If you can hold on to the friendship while the end is coming, you're a star.
  
  BTW, although I might have overstated something's, I lived every one of these situation to some degree. I write what I know not what I think I know.

Relationships endure for many reasons. Here are a few:

Let me start by giving you Webster's definition of endure: bear - stand - suffer - tolerate - sustain - undergo. I'm going to focus on tolerate.

• Relations endure out of perceived need. I used the word "perceived" because I strongly believe we have the courage and control to change a relationship that is tolerated to one that either ends or flourishes.
  
  We endure a relationship because of financial need. We endure a relationship because of a need to keep the family together. We endure a relationship because of a need to have stability in our lives. We endure a relationship because of our need for security. We endure a relationship because going out on your own is just too scary. We endure a relationship because we don't have the confidence we can do better.
  
• Relationships endure because of the kids. It's OK that both of us are unhappy together because the kids come first. This never works out for the kids and their parents. Some people go their entire life unhappy, even when the kids are grown up because they got into this rut on false pretenses (the kids) and just can't get out of the rut.
  
• Relationships endure because we don't deserve happiness and feel trapped because we don't believe we have any control of our happiness.
  
  BTW, both my first wife and I endured our relationship because of the kids. It ended ten years later in divorce. I write what I know not what I think I know.
  

Relationships flourish for many reasons. Here are a few:

• Relationships flourish because we just love the shit out of each other. The relationships I have with my best friends and my beautiful wife is because I truly love them and I believe they truly love me back. It took me 40 years to fall in love and the glow in my heart just keeps getter stronger. A hug in the morning is one of the best feelings anyone can obtain.
  
• Relationships flourish because we are close friends. Friendship is something to cherish not assume. As I stated in my new book "Happiness The Forgotten Ingredient" (sorry for the plug) too many people use the word friendship loosely. A true friend is someone who is there for you. A true friend is someone who roots for you. A true friend is someone who wants you to be happy. This can only happen over a test of time. Make sure your relationship is flourishing because the person you're with is a TRUE friend.
  
• Relationships flourish because both of you are happy, get more happy when the other person gets more happy and because you will do everything you can to make them happy.
  
  BTW, I write what I know not what I think I know (just ask Ellen).
  

Happiness is the necessity for a relationship to flourish. A flourishing relationship brings happiness. If you get one or more flourishing relationships in your life you are truly one of the lucky ones.

Embrace the relationship and the happiness it gives you.

Cloud Nine

Cloud Nine by The Temptations 1969 in the album "The Definitive Collection." Most of us have at least heard of the Temptations. They were one of the best groups in the late sixties and early seventies. Most of us know some of their songs:
 
"The Way You Do The Things You Do"

"Papa Was A Rolling Stone"

"My Girl"

"Get Ready"

"Ain't To Proud To Beg"

"Just My Imagination"

"I'm Losing You"

"I wish It Would Rain"

In 1969 the Temptations won a Grammy for their work.  If your too young to have heard their songs, I strongly suggest you go out and buy their albums because each and every song they wrote and sang has an important meaning.

As stated in my previous blog, words are important. The Temps (as they are sometimes called) used their words to communicate a message. What's really interesting is that this song was written and produced in 1969 and the problem still exists today. We, the people, have yet to find a solution.

Many people have never one of their song - Cloud Nine. This song is very personal. This song describes what life can be for kids and adults trapped in the slums and projects. What's sad is that famous people and their children are getting caught up in the same problem and I don't know why.

After listening to the song and paying attention to the words, I've become sympathetic and empathetic to the adults and children who have few chances for happiness and turn to Cloud Nine. I wish I could feel the same regarding the famous people and their children, but since I don't understand why they are so unhappy that they have turned to Cloud Nine, I'm confused..

Please take the time to read all the words.

The childhood part of my life
Wasn't very pretty, see...

I was born and raised
In the slums of the city,

It was a one-room shack
That slept ten other children beside me,
We hardly had enough food
Or room to sleep

It was hard times...
I needed somethin' to ease my troubled mind

Oooh listen...
My father didn't know the meaning of work

He disrespected mama,
And treated us like dirt

I left home seeking a job
That I never did find

Depressed and down-hearted
 I took to cloud nine
I'm doing fine
Up here, on cloud nine
Listen, one more time
I'm doing fine
Up here, on cloud nineFolks down there tell me...
They say give yourself a chance, son,
don't let life pass you by,
But the world, around you's, is a rat race
Where only the strongest survive,
It's a dog-eat-dog world
And that ain't no lie,
Ain't no lie
Listen it ain't even safe no more
To walk the streets at night

I'm doing fine
On cloud nine

Let me tell you 'bout cloud nine...

Cloud nine
You can be what you want to be
Cloud Nine
You ain't got no responsibility
Cloud Nine
And every man, every man is free
Cloud nine
You're a million miles from reality
Reality

 I wanna' stay up
  Higher
 Up up, Up and away

Cloud nine

I wanna' say I love the life I live,
And I'm going to
 live, the life I love
Or be on cloud nine...

 I'm ridin' high
On cloud nine

You're as free as a bird in flight
 Cloud nine
There's no difference between day and night
Cloud nine
It's a world of love and harmony
Cloud nine
You're a million miles from reality
Reality

I wanna' stay up
Higher
Up up, up and away

Cloud Nine
You can be what you want to be, ah
Cloud nine
You ain't got no responsibility
Cloud nine
Every man in his mind is free
Cloud nine
You're a million miles from reality
Cloud nine
You can be what you want to be

I'm sure almost all of my blog readers have not grown up in the conditions stated in this song. I myself grew up very poor, but we had great support from family and friends. Some of the people in the neighbor became crooks and drank too much, but never turned to Cloud Nine.

I hope you can find it in your heart to look for the causes that get people to turn to Cloud Nine, instead of just writing them off as losers.

Where's The Beef

He's very overweight, but he's happy and likes to laugh - Bullshit! How can you be a happy person when it's a struggle to walk up steps? How can you be a happy person when you haven't seen you penis in over five years? How can you be a happy person when your sugar is too high and your arms and legs hurt all the time? How can you be a happy person when a coach seat on an airline is very uncomfortable? How can you be a happy person when you find yourself eating when you're not even hungry?

She is way overweight, but she has a beautiful face - Bullshit. How can you be a happy person when your face looks like a baseball player's catcher's glove? How can you be a happy person when you know you were beautiful before you gained the extra 50 pounds? How can you be a happy person when it's extremely hard to find clothes that fit? How can you be a happy person when you have so much trouble just getting up on a bar stool?
  She is so skinny her bones stick out. I hate her because I have to watch everything I eat and she can eat anything she wants - bullshit. How can you be a happy person when you have to buy your clothes in the teen department? How can you be a happy person when everybody thinks there is something wrong with you? How can you be a happy person when the slightest bump on your body causes a major bruise? How can you be a happy person when you have to force yourself to eat a decent meal? How can you be a happy person when all your overweight friends and family hate your skinniness?

There are people who have physical and mental problems that cause their large size or their anorexia. I love them because they are trying so hard to overcome their disease. However, I have a problem with people who take away much of their happiness because they can't or don't want to control their eating habits.

It's not rocket science. Eat less, eat the right kind of diet and exercise. Why do they make it so hard when they know exactly what they have to do to get in shape?  I'm not saying they have to be perfect. A little overweight is OK. A little underweight is OK. I'm talking about a 5' 8" person who weighs over 200 pounds is not acceptable, not necessary and not healthy.  I'm talking about a 5' 2" person who weighs 80 pounds is not acceptable, not necessary and not healthy.

I believe these people are not happy deep down in their heart. They put on a great façade, but deep down they are discussed with themselves. They are angry with themselves because they know this didn't have to happen to them. They are frustrated with themselves because they keep talking about doing something about it, but never do. They are embarrassed with themselves because they know everybody is judging them because of their weight or lack thereof. They want a quick fix like liposuction or fat burning pills.

Your body is part of your happiness. To become a happy person everything you do, say and look like plays a role. Take a step back and think how much happier you would be if you were just a small amount overweight or a small amount underweight.

There are so many things we can't control to find the happiness we deserve. There are also many things we can control to lead us to happiness.

Your body is something you can control. Take the steps to become body happy NOW!

Insanity Is Doing The Same Thing Over And Over Again While Expecting A Different Result

Every day your spouse complains about how hard her day was. Your reaction is to counter her negativism by making it clear how difficult your day was. That gets her to pick apart your negativism so she can convince you she has it worse. You, in turn, try to find some other ammunition to prove you have it worse.

The end result is you both fight and no one comes out a winner. You both leave the dinner table unhappy. This goes on and on over weeks, months and sometimes years. It has become the normal way you communicate with each other.

Somehow you or she believes that if you keep living life like this eventually the result will be different. That's insanity. If you keep doing it this way you won't get a different result. As a matter of fact things will gradually get worse.

Why not try something new. You come home from work mentally exhausted. As it is almost every day, your spouse is complaining about what a bad day he had. Before continuing with the traditional woe is me response, do something different. Hug your spouse and acknowledge his bad day. After the hug, don't say another thing or change the subject to something positive.

Make this action the norm, not the other action that has never made things better. After a few days or weeks you will be amazed how your spouse will change. If he or she realizes that you're not going to continue this negative energy communication, he or she might just stop complaining and the two of you will leave the dinner table happy.

In my first book "Never Buy A Hat If Your Feet Are Cold" I state: "the more you insist the more they will resist. Your way is not working. Doing the same thing every day is insanity because there won't be a different result. Therefore, try something new. What do you have to lose?

Believe me (because I lived it) all your spouse wants is for you to acknowledge her tough day/life. Trying to convince her it's not that bad or yours is worse will never work. Sooo, again, try something new. BTW, this hugging action works with your friends and family members.


Every day you take the same route to work. It's boring and doesn't make you happy. You keep doing it because you believe you'll eventually get over it. Again, you're insane. You'll resent it more not less.

Try something new. Get up a few minutes earlier and take a more scenic route where you can see nature's beauty. You might even want to stop at a coffee house and have a lite breakfast while meeting new people. It might be a half hour more of your time, but doing so could become the happiest time of day in you work life.


Your routine for the week is get up, eat cereal, shower, shave, put on your business suit (that you hate), get into your car and drive to work. After work, you come home eat the same thing every Monday, the same thing (different from Monday) on Tuesday, go out to meet friends on Wednesday, eat the same thing (different from Tuesday) on Thursday, Go out to meet the same friends on Friday, sleep late on Saturday and get you shopping done and either eat home and watch TV or go out to dinner with the same friends and Veg out on Sunday.

Having this routine is safe, but not interesting. You're bored and can't figure out why. However, you keep this routine week after week, month after month and year after year. Maybe, you break it up a few times a year by taking a vacation. However, after the vacation you go back to the same boring, unhappy routine. 

Why do you do this to yourself? Because it's comfortable. But, don't you realize this routine is sucking the life and the happiness out of your life. It's insane to stay on this course because the result won't be any different and won't make you happy.

Try something new. Shake things up. Do Wednesday on Tuesday. You'll probably meet new and interesting people. Change you eating habits. Sign-up with a gym. Think of Thursday as if it's Saturday. Eat somewhere you never ate before. Take smaller, but more often vacations. Come to work one day dressed comfortably with sneakers and a sport shirt. 

Make a conscious effort to make life more interesting. Agree that by doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result is not working and will not lead to a happy life.

Try doing something wild for the first time in your life. You will get a big emotional rush that will enhance you happiness. 

Remember, this might be the only life we are going to get, sooo, stop the insanity and go for the gusto. I promise you a better result.

Words That Hurt - Words That Heal

A child goes up to his sister, angry with her because she wouldn't let him play with her Transformer toy, and says: "I hate you - you BABY." The word baby is a very nice word. it usually brings a smile to your face. However, in the context of how this child used BABY, it's no different than him saying: "I hate you - you mother fucker."

I screwed up a project in business and my CEO, after reviewing the work, called me an AMATURE. Having many years in business and being an outstanding employee and executive, he couldn't have picked a better word to push my insecure button. Calling me an idiot, stupid or lousy would not have had the same effect.  The word AMATURE really hurt. If I had one year experience, I probably would have agreed with him and the word would not have hurt so much.

STUPID is a hurtful word if used in the right context. Nobody likes to think of themselves as STUPID. When someone makes a mistake it's OK to let them know they made a mistake and say don't worry about it we can fix it. However, saying: "what are you STUPID" really hurts.

Using the same word another way can be used as light hearted. "When it comes to driving directions, my husband is really STUPID." "I am so STUPID when it comes to anything electronic."

NIGGER is a very hurtful word. Any word that is used to describe a person's race or religion is very hurtful if used in a hurtful way. Calling someone a JEW, KIKE, CHINK, GOOK, REDNECK, etc. really hurts if said in a hurtful way. However, using the same words in a playful way (as long as the recipient is in on the joke), can get a laugh.

LOVE is a healing word. It's hard to use the word LOVE in a hateful way. Reminding someone who is having a bad day that they are still LOVED by you is very healing. Everyone on this earth wants to be loved. If for some reason they don't want to be loved, they are not a contributing entity to the Universe.

FORGIVE is another healing word. However, it has to be used in all honesty. "I FORGIVE you" means nothing if the other person believes you really don't mean it. However, giving someone a hug and saying "I FORGIVE you" is extremely healing.

PROUD is a happy healing word. Telling a son: "I'm so PROUD of you" has a big impact on their happiness. Telling a friend who has just passed the BAR: "you must be PROUD of yourself," enhances their self-image and that's both healing and happiness.

ASSHOLE doesn't hurt if you ARE and ASSHOLE and it doesn't hurt if you know you're not an ASSHOLE. I've used ASSHOLE as a healing word and I've used ASSHOLE as a word to remind someone they are not acting properly. If someone really is a giant ASSHOLE, they don't exist in my circle.  Bottom line is ASSHOLE is just a word with many, many meanings based upon how you choose to use it.

One of the smartest person I know, my ex CEO and President Jose, always said that words are important. They communicate a message and we should be conscious and considerate on how we use them.

A negative person uses words to hurt. A positive person uses words to help heal. A happy person takes a step back before they use a word. An unhappy person let's words just fall out of their mouth without thinking.

Take that extra step and think about the word you want to use to deliver a message. You can use a negative word if you want to get someone attention, but don't use that same word just to hurt someone. You can use a positive word to help someone, but you have to mean it.

OK all you ASSHOLES, make sure you know what words your saying and how it might affect the person you're saying it to.

Someone Has To Say UNCLE

Growing up we used the word UNCLE to mean "I give up" or "no more" or "you're right" or "I surrender." However, when I watch kids today at a playground, I never hear UNCLE. Kids in the playground get mad at each other and when they do they say things like: "I hate you" or I will never talk to you again" or "you're a brat."

The interesting thing is that after two or three minutes they are back playing together. I assume the fun and the happiness of playing in the playground overrides any bad feelings.

Don't you wonder why adults can't act this way? But nooooo, we adults have to keep pushing the issue over and over again until someone says UNCLE. We have this addiction to having to be right. We have this addiction to getting the other person to give up. We have this addiction to getting our way.

The funny part of all this is even when, after arguing back and forth, we might realize we were wrong in the first place, we still keep attacking until someone says UNCLE. We get even madder if the other person says UNCLE too soon and we know they don't mean it. That one really pisses them off.

Why can't we think like young kids and say to ourselves who cares who's right or wrong let's forget about it and continue having fun together. Does getting the other person to say UNCLE make us happier? Even if it does, how long will that last? Is dealing with the hard feelings of making someone say "you're right" worth the short lived satisfaction. The answer is NO, NO, NO!

What's wrong with saying: "you could be right or you could be wrong, but wouldn't you rather go see the fabulous movie we were going to see before we opened up this can of worms. The answer is YES, YES, YES!

Remember my words from my previous blogs: "whenever you get into a conflict with someone, before you react say to yourself: "is what I'm doing or about to do leading to my happiness?"  If you take the time to step back and put that thought into your head, most of the time someone does NOT have to say UNCLE.

Try being a kid again and put your primary focus on the fun and happiness stuff not the who wins and who loses stuff. You and the other person will greatly benefit.

OK, what if the other person demands an UNCLE? I say, give them an UNCLE. Don't say: "I give up" or "no more" or "you're right" or "I surrender."  Just say UNCLE. You don't have to mean it; you just have to say it.

They might not understand what UNCLE means, but they sure will get the hint that you're not going toe to toe with them because you're more interested in getting to see the fabulous movie.

Can you still love yourself if you say UNCLE? Can you be proud of yourself if your first words are UNCLE? Can you still respect yourself if UNCLE is one of the happy words in your vocabulary?

If the answer is YES you get it. If the answer is NO you have a long way to go to find your happiness.

UNCLE is a stress reliever not a stress creator. Stress relievers lead to happiness. Stress creators lead to more stress. If you want to be happy for the rest of your life just say UNCLE!

You Can Take A Horse To Water, But You Can't Make Him Drink

In the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" the author states that men always try to find solutions to problems and try to fix things. If their wife has a problem, they try to fix it. That's not always what the wife wants. Most of the time all she just wants her husband to be sensitive about the problem and give her a hug.

Most men just don't understand "You Can Take A Horse To Water, But You Can't Make Him Drink." Now, I'm not calling his wife a horse, (but if she's over 350 pounds you better look into it) however, trying to get her to accept a fix she doesn't want is non-productive. If he would just love her unconditionally she will solve her problem over time.

Most parents are this way with their kids. If frustrates the hell out of them when they know what the child should be doing, show the child the right way, lead the child to the preverbal water and the child won't drink. This is especially true of teenagers.

On the other hand, if the child's friend or someone he looks up to makes the same suggestion, the child drinks the water like he's been thirsty for weeks.

One of my sayings is: "the more you insist the more they will resist." Your job as a parent is to take your son or daughter to the water and encourage him or her to drink, but not get mad, angry or frustrated if they don't. 

Trusting they will eventually figure it out on their own or trusting they will recover if they make the wrong choice is the best way to create a happy child and you as a happy parent. We all wish we had more control of our own lives. Realizing we have very limited control of our friends, family, children, etc. is frustration, but you just have to deal with it if you're going to have a happy life for yourself.

This philosophy is truer in business. Managers can be very frustrating because they just won't drink the water you're giving them. Some managers don't listen to you because they're insecure or just stubborn.  You're doing your job when you take the manager to the water.

Feel good about yourself because you're giving the manager every chance to drink. You can't let it affect you even if you get blamed if the manager doesn't drink the water and makes a bad decision. You, in your heart and mind, know you did all you could. You can look into the mirror and smile because you know the truth.  Trust me, the manager knows he screwed up and should have listened to you. He just doesn't have the confidence to take the blame.

You can trust me about this because I lived it many, many times in my career. I used to get angry and very frustrated when this happened to me. I eventually realized that my anger and frustration was not serving me. I eventually could stare right into my manager's face with the confidence that I knew where the water was and gave him every chance to drink it. He, in turn, could hardly look me in the face because he could see the confidence in my eyes.

What I gained was his respect (even if he wouldn't admit it) and respect in myself. He drank the water the next time.

I'm using these analogies to help you understand you can't get angry or frustrated when they just won't listen or do what you suggest (drink the water). You have to accept what's happening for now and stay proud, confident and respectful of yourself.

Anger and frustration even when it's not your fault will never make you a happy person. Proud, confident and respectful of yourself will always make you happy.

Is School Teaching Us What We Need?

Kindergarten is a great way for a child to learn social skills. Some kids make good friends in Kindergarten. The teachers are encouraging and do their best to make it fun. Most Kindergarten teachers try to avoid conflict and competition. In my opinion that's a good thing because young kids need to learn how to get along, not how to beat the other kid.

Kindergarten has an opportunity to do something special, but rarely do they take advantage of the opportunity.  Some children have special skills even at Kindergarten age. Kindergarten teachers have a opportunity to discover those special skills and encourage the kids to develop those skills. Also, the teacher should make sure the teachers in the higher grades understand which kids have those special skills and try to convince the higher grade teachers to help the child to continue to develop their skills. Unfortunately this almost never happens in Kindergarten.

After Kindergarten the kids get the basics tools they will need in life. They learn to read, write and speak. However, most schools are so tied to a curricular they don't spend much time on the most important life element of all - creativity. Some kids are creative in left brain activities and some are creative in right brain activities. However, most schools in the middle grades don't do enough to explore the child's capabilities.

Most kids don't like the middle grades because everyone only gets to learn the same thing. It's like we are all the same.  The fact is that's a major untruth. We are not the same. A child that is very left brain might not feel good enough when he can't compete in the math world. However, that child might be the next Steven Jobs when it comes to creating the next high tech thing.

Then the kids get to high school and the entire curricular is designed to help them pass the SATs and get into college. High school's focus is on business and basic things like English, languages, math, history, etc.  What about high tech? 

Yes, most high schools have computers for the kids to use. However, the way they are used is to learn the basics needed to get into college. Why college? What so great about college. Do you really need four years of college if you want to become a doctor? The answer is no because none of the basic skills are used in learning how to cure the common cold, fix a broken foot, repair a bad heart, etc.

Four years of college doesn't do crap to help a person become a lawyer. Why can't a person go from high school directly to law school? My son is a lawyer and none of the stuff he received in college had anything to do with him passing the BAR.

Now my favorite subject - high tech. Do the schools realize that top computer programmers make more money than most doctors, lawyers and businessmen. If the child has the gift of being able to write fantastic computer code, why not let the high school dedicate at least 50% of his time developing his skill. If they did so, the student could go straight into the high tech field bypassing college altogether.

High tech companies want the US government to relax the immigration laws so more tech savvy people can get into the US and be hired by these companies. This is only necessary because we aren't teaching computer programming, system design, system repair and creativity in the lower grades and high school.

Why is this happening? It's because the academics want to keep the colleges and universities running.  Like most things in life it's all about the money.

Because America has an entrepreneurial spirit, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, etc. year olds are creating companies worth millions. Oh, by the way, most don't go to college. Or, if they are in college they are creating high tech magic without the help of the school. 

Like it or not, this is the electronic age. It is still in its infant stage. High tech phones, tablets, glasses, etc. are just the start. Your car has more high tech inside than most major computer systems. Soon everything you use for normal day activities will have some computer controls to make life easier and better. That's right, high tech will make our lives better. It's happening today right under our noses.

Therefore, I believe schools have to change with the times. It's great to learn history, but unless you want to become a history teacher or an historian, it has nothing to do with how your life will turn out. Many high tech people read and watch historical events. They do this while they are pulling down $150,000 a year as a computer programmer.  Having two (sometimes three) years of history in school is not accomplishing life goals.

I hated history. I didn't much like high school. I learned computer programing at a technical school after high school. I stunk at English and languages. My Spanish teacher said to me: "Kenny, how can I teach you Spanish when you don't know English?" By the time I was nineteen I was writing computer code in five different languages. I hated high school because it did not focus on the things I was good at and that made me unhappy.

I loved technical school because I was doing things I was good at and was fun for me. If I had my way I would create more technical schools and fewer colleges and universities. BTW, I did go to college at night because in my day, college was a requirement to get any decent job.

Happiness is doing things you are good at doing. Happiness is feeling a sense of accomplishment while doing the things you enjoy. Happiness is a trade (car mechanic, x-ray technician, computer programmer, etc.) that makes you feel good about yourself.

End Of The Innocence

Some think our innocence ended when we came out of our mother's womb. I say bullshit. our innocence ended at different times based on our DNA, upbringing, and the effects the outside world had on us.

A three year old child who grew up in a safe, happy and stable environment has a long way to go before the child loses their innocence. A three year old child who grew up in an unsafe world where the basic elements of life (food, water, safety, etc.) was a struggle probably has already lost their innocence.

I lost my innocence at ten. I had to help the family financially and physically. I ran numbers for the bookies in the neighborhood so I could have a few dollars and not have to ask my father for money. At ten I worked in my father's sandwich store after school to help him and my mother get enough out of the business so we always had food to eat, air to breathe and shelter.

Even though I worked, I was a happy go lucky guy. I made time to play with my friends and laugh, laugh, and laugh some more. My dad was easy to work for and told a lot of bad jokes.  They were so bad you had to laugh at them. As an example:

"A drunk leaves the bar late at night and reaches into his pocket that has a big hole in it and says: "plumbs when did I buy plumbs?"

In my first book "Never Buy A Hat If Your Feet Are Cold" I stated "at ten I was poor, but I didn't know it - I was having fun. However, the reality that if something really bad happened to my father the family would be in big trouble took away my innocence.

I didn't think about the end of my innocence because I was being productive, helping out and enjoying what I was doing. I relate the end of my innocence at 15. I always hung out with guys and girls who were two to three years older than I. At 15 I had trouble enjoying the company of kids my own age or younger. Maybe it was because I had lost my innocence and was living like an adult.

I had a girlfriend who was two years older than I. She thought I was 17. One day while we were making out on her sofa, she said she wanted to go all the way. I, in a panic, said ok, but I need to go to the bathroom first.

In the bathroom I was so excited and scared that after I took out the protection every guy at my age kept in his wallet (you could see the round indenture on the outside of the wallet), I had an orgasm while I was rolling the protection on my member. 

I was so embarrassed and had to tell my girlfriend what had happened. She laughed, but I knew she was disappointed. She said let's just kiss and feel each other up. Well, after two minutes of kissing and petting I was ready to go again. Since I only had that one protection, she went to her father's drawer and took out a Trojan.  Although I didn't last very long, we came together and at that moment I believed I was at the end of my innocence.

When did you lose your innocence? What were the circumstances? Was it enjoyable, emotional or negative? How did it change your life (for better or worse)?

In my case, it was enjoyable not because of the act, but I now really felt I was a man. The downside was I became a man at 15 when most of my friends were still doing stupid things. I became more serious. I became more mature. I started thinking about career while my friends were only thinking about sports and how to get laid.  I guess that's the reason I got married way to young at 20.

Some of you are still in the age of innocence. If you're a teenager that's great. If you're 25 - 30 and living with your parents, it's time to come to the end of your innocence. There is a whole world out there to explore when you finally take responsibility for yourself. When your innocence is over, life will create many ups and downs - some good and some bad. However, that's what living life is all about. Being taken care of by your family is not getting the most life has to offer you.

Since I'm the one writing the blog, I get to speak out of bother sides of my mouth. Don't end your innocence to soon. Appreciate your innocence. There will be time to get serious. Just come to a point in your life when you know it's time to end your innocence and become a responsible, productive, life loving and happy mature person.

 

Innocence is a gift, but it also reduces the wonderful things life offers. When the end of your innocence occurs, make sure you're ready to appreciate those wonderful things and create a happy life.

Asshole

This blog is not about your ass hole although mine is very interesting.

This blog is about a person who is offensive, pompous, rude, unkind, impolite, etc.; "jerk".

Let's start with a questionnaire developed by a PHD Bob Sutton. You will get a kick out of reading his book.

Are You A Certified Asshole?

Find Out With the Asshole Rating Self-Exam (ARSE)

A 24-Question Self-Exam by Bob Sutton PHD.

You feel surrounded by incompetent idiots – and you can’t help letting them know the truth every now and then.

True

False

 

You were a nice person until you started working with the current bunch of creeps.

True

False

You don’t trust the people around you, and they don’t trust you.

True

False

You see your co-workers as competitors.

True

False

You believe that one of the best ways to “climb the ladder” is to push other people down or out of the way.

True

False

You secretly enjoy watching other people suffer and squirm.

True

False

You are often jealous of your colleagues, and find it difficult to be genuinely pleased for them when they do well.

True

False

You have a small list of close friends and a long list of enemies, and you are equally proud of both lists.

True

False

Sometimes you just can’t contain your contempt toward the losers and jerks at your workplace.

True

False

You find it useful to glare at, insult, and even occasionally holler at some of the idiots at your workplace – otherwise, they never seem to shape-up.

True

False

You take credit for the accomplishments of your team – why not? They would be nowhere without you.

True

False

You enjoy lobbing "innocent" comments into meetings that serve no purpose other than to humiliate or cause discomfort to the person on the receiving end.

True

False

You are quick to point out others’ mistakes.

True

False

You don’t make mistakes. When something goes wrong, you always find some idiot to blame.

True

False

You constantly interrupt people because, after all, what you have to say is more important.

True

False

You are constantly “buttering-up” your boss and other powerful people, and expect the same treatment from your underlings.

True

False

Your jokes and teasing can get a bit nasty at times, but you have to admit, they are pretty funny.

True

False

You love your immediate team and they love you, but are at constant warfare with the rest of the organization. You treat everyone else like crap because, after all, if you’re not on my team, you either don’t matter or are the enemy.

True

False

You notice that people seem to avoid eye contact when they talk to you – and they often become very nervous.

True

False

You have the feeling that people are always very careful about what they say around you.

True

False

People keep responding to your e-mails with hostile reactions, which often escalate into “flame wars” with these jerks.

True

False

People seem hesitant to divulge personal information to you.

True

False

People seem to stop having fun when you show up.

True

False

People often seem to react to your arrival by announcing that they have to leave.

True

False

RESULTS:

 

0 to 5 “True”: You don’t sound like a certified asshole, unless you are fooling yourself.

 

5 to 15 “True”: You sound like a borderline certified asshole, perhaps the time has come to start changing your behavior before it gets worse.

 

15 or more True: You sound like a full-blown certified asshole to me, get help immediately. But, please, don’t come to me for help, as I would rather not meet you.

 

 

I hope everyone who reads my blogs has a score less than 10.  However, we all know of and have had experience with true Assholes. I'm not sure why they are the way they are, but many of us still hang out with them.

 

Are they truly mean? Do they just want attention? Were their parents Assholes? Are they anti-social? Do they even realize they are acting like an Asshole?

 

Do we call them out for being an Asshole? Do we accept them because their interesting and you never know what might come out of their mouth? Do we hang out with them because they make us feel like a saint? Do we tolerate them so we can remind ourselves the right way to act in this life?

 

The bottom line is true Assholes have a big problem. They are not happy people. They thrive on negative energy. They suck the positive energy from anyone who will hang out with them. They live in anger, fear and self-loathing.

 

Should we stay away from Assholes? It's a complicated answer. If you don't have your shit together, I suggest you stay away from Assholes. However, if you're over 65 in your happiness meter (see my previous blog), being around a true Asshole is a learning experience.

 

They will do anything to pull you down and you will be tested. If you can accept an Asshole and still find happiness in your live, the Asshole will make your desire to be happy stronger. If you are a happy person, you can laugh at them acting out. If you are a happy person, you will be strong enough to call them out when they cross over the line. If you are a happy person, you can be sympatric and empathic of their need to act out because they are so unhappy.

 

There are a few true Assholes who are the way they are all the time. Most people act like an Asshole every so often. Those people need you to help them realize what they are saying or doing is inappropriate.  They want to be happy, but sometimes they just can't help themselves.

 

If you are the source of positive energy, you can change an Asshole to be more sociable and therefore, more happy.

 

However, if you tried your best and they are just as big an Asshole as before, GET THE ASSHOLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE!