Take This Job and Shove It

Does your job make you happy or unhappy.  I'm about to tell you your job can make you happy even if you hate what you're doing - I'll bet that got your attention!

It's simple.  You have the control to view your job as the "end" or a "means to an end."  By doing so, you will only focus on the happiness you get from your job.  By not doing so, you will only focus on the whole or parts of the job that makes you unhappy.

"What the hell are you talking about?"  "How can I hate my job and still be happy?" Again, it's simple.  If you love your job or at least parts of your job, you should view that as the "end."  If you hate your job or major parts of your job then you need to use your job as a "means to an end."  In both cases, "end" is happiness.

The trick is to have a "means to an end."  That requires you to create something outside of work that leads to a happy ending (not that kind of happy ending).  For example, If your family makes you happy then view your job as the entity that gives you the resources to enjoy your family.  Those resources could be the money you make at the job, the travel you and your family get to do because of your job, the contacts and friends you and your family get to obtain because of your job, etc. etc. etc.

"Means to an end" might also be anything you love to do outside of work.  Your hobby, playing the guitar, hanging out with your friends, taking cooking classes, creating a side job that makes you happy, etc. etc. etc.  If you have those "outside of job" "endings," then you can look at your nine to five as the entity that gives you the resources to happiness.  If you don't have those "endings," then your challenge it to create or find one or more.

Hating your job or even parts of your job will never lead to happiness.  If you don't want to go through the risk of changing jobs then you have to look at you job with a smile on your face.  Only focus on the parts of your job you like or the resources your job gives you outside of your job.

The "end" or a "means to an end" is a win win situation.  Being unhappy at your job is a lose lose situation.  You come home unhappy.  You don't have the energy to create the "end" because your depressed about your nine hours at the job.  This negative energy will not only make you unhappy, it will affect your health, the people who love you, and your job.

That's right, being unhappy at your job will negatively affect your job.  As you negatively affect your job, you start doing a bad job.  That leads to more unhappiness and the possibility you will get fired.  Getting fired will make you and everyone else unhappy. 

This chain of events is something you are able to control.  It's simple, stop hating your job or parts of your job.  Nobody is forcing you to hate your job - sooo, STOP IT!!  If your job makes you happy, then it is the "end."  If your job doesn't make you happy then remind yourself it is the "means to an end" that makes you happy.

Happiness leads to positive energy.  Positive begets positive energy. Positive energy will have a positive effect on your life.  Positive energy will make you, the people who love you and YOUR JOB.  That's what I'm saying.  Your unhappy job will get less unhappy if give positive energy out to the universe (sorry about another blog plug, but "positive energy out to the universe" is my blog coming soon to a PC in your neighborhood).

Enjoy!

"Seeing" is Happiness

In my previous blogs I discuss how our addictions to money, security, power and ego negatively affects our happiness.  my blogs also state expecting the outside world to make you happy will, in the long run, never work.  The question is; where are these addictions and counting on "them" coming from?

There are two things going on inside most of us. One is a negative energy person that never feels good enough.  That person believes the future will be negative.  That person doesn't focus on what you have accomplished, he focuses on what you have failed. She does not want you to take risks because she believes you will fail.  He does not want you to make changes because she believes you will just make things worse.  He does not what you to make decisions because he believes you will make the wrong decision.

That person worries about things that have not even happened yet.  My parents worried all the time.  They always felt the future was something to be concerned about not something to look forward to.  I used to joke that if my parents hit the lottery they would start to believe that they got a bogus ticket and really didn't win.  I will say they got it honestly by growing up during the great depression.

Guess what, I got that negative energy person inside me from them.  However, any of us can get that person by growing up with negative energy(not just from your parents), by being in a traumatic situation (like an accident, a fire, death of a loved one, etc.) or a DNA personally trait that is susceptible to the negative stuff going around all of us all the time.

The bottom line is that negative person is "created" at a young age not born with it inside her.  We all have it to some degree.  Many of us are not affected by this person and can go on to a happy life.  Some of us don't get the happiness we deserve because of him.  I was one of those people.  I'll call this person "Negative."

The second person inside of us is someone that lives in the present.  That person doesn't worry about the future because he knows that we don't know shit about the future - hell, we don't even know what is going to happen while we are reading or writing this blog. That person believes she is good enough.  That person acknowledges his accomplishments.  That person can take a risk, make a decision and make a change because she believes it will lead to happiness.  I'll call that person "Positive."

For people like me, Negative controlled my life much of the time.  I wasn't happy within myself and felt the outside world had to make me happy.  I held back from creating my own happiness because I didn't believe I deserved it nor would I get it on my own. I started to believe that if I didn't do something soon, I was going to end up like my parents who just wanted to get through life happy or not.

This realization scared me more than mister Negative.  So, I pushed mister Positive to take some risks, make some decisions and make some changes.  Some worked and some didn't, but I survived.  Some were very painful (like two divorces), but I survived.

At the time I didn't realize there were two of me.  I was just running scared.  Too scared to take control of my happiness and yet too scared to not take control. At thirty nine I decided to see a therapist.  Bob help me "see" the two people inside me.  He also help me understand the affects Negative was having on my happiness.  He helped me "see" that positive energy begets positive energy and negative energy begets negative energy.  He helped me become the source of positive energy.

Why is "seeing" so important?  When you can "see" Negative acting out, you have a choice to make.  You can let him take control of your life or you can take a step back and say to yourself: "Negative is the past. I am the current and the future.  I have a choice.  I can believe his negative input or I can believe in myself and change things for the better.  I can trust that I will make the right decisions/changes and even if they don't work out, I will survive, move on and make better decisions/changes later.

By "seeing" mister Negative and acknowledging mister Positive, I will always focus on MY happiness.  Negative wants to stay in a small box because he believes that bad things will happen outside the box.  Positive wants out of the box because it's stopping him from creating a happier life.

"Seeing" was the hardest thing I ever accomplished. It took me over a year to "see."  The reason it is so hard is because Negative is insidious.  He comes out when you don't expect it.  She gives you a negative ZUTS (it means a sharp pain going through your body - I made the word up) when you try to do something different. 

For example, you want to change jobs.  Positive says that a different job will lead to happiness. However, before you can take action on a job change, Negative gives you a ZUTS and convinces you that you will fail, the next job will be worse, you will get fired, and then you will lose your family, your money and die).  That maybe an extreme, but a ZUTS can be that bad.  Because of the ZUT you decide to stay in the job you hate.

Negative will never go away.  You will have to live with him for the rest of your life.  He will continue to come out when you don't want him.  you can't stop her.  However, what you can do is accept her just the way she is.  You can realize that she is the negative past and you are the positive current and future. 

The best way to deal with him is like trying to stop a horse who is running out of control because he got spooked.  You have two choices with the horse.  Option one, you can pull up on the reins as hard as you can.  This option does not work. The harder you pull the more out of control the horse will become - the more you resist the more he will insist.  Option two works.  While the horse is running out of control, you stroke his main and talk comely into his ear.  As you keep stroking and whispering, the horse will eventually slow down and stop.

Don't try to stop Negative from affecting your life.  Instead "see" him for what he is and let Positive do his thing.

To this day I still get ZUTSs from Negative.  The difference is his negative energy does not last long.  Many time it last for just a minute and then Positive takes control.  For example: The guy behind you hits your car while you are stopped at a light.  Negative is all over you saying that your car is ruined, the insurance will blame you, you should beat up the guy who hit you, etc. etc.  If Negative controls your thoughts you will be upset for days - maybe even weeks.

If you can "see" Negative acting out, in less than a minute, Positive comes out and thinks: no sense in getting all worked up about this.  No matter how mad I am at this guy, I still have to get my car fixed.  It makes no sense for me to worry about what may happen (that dam future) because I don't know shit what is going to happen.  What I do know is that I need to get the information from this guy. call the insurance company, get my car fixed and move on.

Negative will spend days being angry - angry is negative energy.  Positive will be over it before he gets home - less stress is positive energy.

I CHOOSE TO BE THE SOURCE OF POSITIVE ENERGY.  

Is your happiness determined by the outside world?

Who are the outside world?  It's everybody and everything that is NOT you.  Your spouse, kids, friends, family, neighbors, bartender, car, house, briefcase, etc. etc. etc. are the outside world.

Is the outside world bad?  That depends on you.  Do you make happiness decisions based upon how the outside world will react?  Do you avoid changes because you believe the outside world might not approve.  Do you avoid taking risks because "they" will think you are stupid.

All of us have some level of insecurity inside.  Some a lot more than others.  Insecurity is a happiness killer.  Insecurity gets you to think about the outside world consequences before you act.  Insecurity is a hole inside you that some believe "they" will fill.  Insecurity will take away your control and give it to "them."

At thirty nine I went to a therapist.  Bob was the one that got me to "see" how I was impacting my happiness.  Sorry, I need a brief plug here - "seeing" is the topic of my next blog. 

The first thing Bob said when I met him was: "Kenny, why are you here?'  I responded: "I wouldn't need to be here if everyone would stop treating me in a way that makes me unhappy."  Bob, said: "I'm glad you came."

It took me a year before I understood how my statement was affecting my happiness.  I was a good person.  I had great friends. I was a star at work.  Yet, I needed the outside world to tell me how wonderful I was.  If "they", in any way, disagreed with me or hinted I wasn't the great person I was, I would defend myself to the death.

Bob didn't take the insecurity out of me.  I will live with it for the rest of my life.  What he did convince me was two things.  One, by needing positive feedback from the outside world, I was giving up control of my happiness.  Two, if the outside world disagrees or doesn't like me, that is their problem not mine.

I tell the people I mentor a story:

John finds a quarter in his pocket and puts it into his hand and closes his fingers around it.  He goes up to Sally and says:  Sally, "I have a quarter in my hand."  Sally says: "no you don't. You never have money and you don't have any now."  John goes into defense mode and says: "Sally, why are you being so mean. I know I have a quarter in my hand."  Sally again screams: "NO." John again screams: "YES." 

Then John starts to think: "maybe Sally is right.  Maybe I thought I put the quarter in my hand but I didn't.  Maybe I dropped it.  Dam, I'm stupid.  I lost my quarter."

John was me.  Bob convinced me that if I was in control of my insecurity and the outside world, I could have said to Sally from the start:  "Sally, I know you don't believe I have a quarter in my hand, but that's your problem.  I know I have a quarter, so let's go to the store and buy candy.  Less insecure, less giving in to the outside world, less stressed out - MORE HAPPINESS.

It took me awhile to "see" the difference between the insecure person inside me and the person I know I am.  I try to always be the great me, but that other person is still with me to this day.  The difference is I know he is there.  By knowing "he" exists my "me" is in control much, much more than him.  Sorry, another plug, my next blog will give you some insight into how to deal with him.

When asked by your friends: "where should we go to dinner tonight?"  Do you say:  "I don't know. Where do you guys want to go?"  That statement is bullshit.  You know what you want to eat, but you won't say it because the others might not like your suggestion and, in your mind, might therefore stop liking you.

Why not try another approach.  When asked the same question, say: "I would like Mexican, however if you all want something else I'm willing to go along as long as it's not seafood or fish."  I assure you your friends, family, spouse, kids, etc. will not stop loving you because you told them what you want.  Most likely they would prefer someone to make a decision (some because they fear that if they say what "they" want, The outside world will stop liking them).

If you want sex from your spouse, ask for it.  The worst they could say is not tonight.  Will your spouse think less of you because you asked? If they do, maybe this relationship is and has been in trouble.

When you go to buy a car, is the first thing that comes to your mind about how you will be looked upon by the outside world?  I know BMW hopes so.  Could you really buy a car or truck that you love knowing that it might not look good to your neighbors, wife, kids, restaurant valet, etc.  If not, you have just given up your happiness to "them."

How much bling will make "them - not you" happy?  How much happier will "they - not you" be in your two thousand dollar suit instead one from three day suit outlet?  How many promotions that you really don't want will you take to make "them - not you" happy?  What if you like the job you are in and don't need the added stress? Oh, I forgot, you have to take the promotion because that will make "them - not you" happy.

What are you telling your kids when you buy them toys that they play with for a day and get bored the next.  It becomes an expectation, but does it really make them happy.  Oh, I get it, you brought them more toys then they need so "they" will like you.  Get real, they already like you. Your their family.  You give them food and shelter.  One toy is enough. 

Growing up poor was an advantage (believe it or not) when it came to toys.  Us kids made our own toys (board games, bottle caps so we could play beeries, etc) - that made us happy.  Seeing something we created made us happy.  Why does it have to be about YOU?  Don't just get them what they want because you believe they will like you better.  Get them something they can use to be creative. Coloring books, dominoes, Legos, etc. will make them happier than a five hundred dollar toy.

We live in the outside world, but we don't need to be controlled by it.  The outside world will always disappoint you eventually.  If you need their approval, you will be unhappy.  The outside world needs you happy because many of them are unhappy.  Many of the people you know are living to get the outside world to like them.  You will be their hero, if you don't.  They will look up to you because you like yourself more then you need "them."

Please trust me on this because I've been there - done that.  The other way just does not work.  Just think how great it would be if you didn't need the outside world to make you happy and every once in a while "they" do something that does make you happy.  WOW, what a big plus.

Stop and Smell the Roses

Life is flying by so fast we forget to stop and smell the roses. 

Appreciation is a big part of happiness. However, who has time to appreciate?  There are so many negative things going on, I don't have time to stop and smell the roses.  My job is so busy and stressful, I don't have time to appreciate.  My spouse and kids are on me all the time and that leaves me no energy to stop and smell the roses.

Is that the way you feel? I know I did years ago.  How can you get the happiness you deserve if you are not willing to take the time to appreciate the things around you?  How can you get the happiness you deserve if you are not willing to take the time to appreciate the accomplishments you have achieved?  How can you get the happiness you deserve if you are not willing to take the time to appreciate the things about your job that you like?  How can you get the happiness you deserve if you are not willing to take the time to appreciate your family and friends who love you and want you to be happy?

The simple answer is you have to take the time.  You have to stop and smell the roses every day.  That's right - every day.  Appreciation creates positive energy - positive energy begets positive energy.  The more positive energy in your life the happier you will be.

Sooo, here are your every day exercises:

1. During the day we all see things that are interesting, creative, stimulating, fun, positive and beautiful.  However, we just pass them bye. 
   
   Starting today, take a step back and appreciate what you are seeing or hearing.  It might be for only a moment or an hour.  The amount of time is not important, it's the taking it in and appreciating it.
   
   What you see or hear is also not important.  It could be just the smile on a co-worker's face, the scenery on your way to work, The lunch you just had, an ad in the paper, a hug from the kids in the morning, or my blog (had to get a plug in there).  I assume you get the idea.
   
   What is important is that every day there is something to appreciate.  Sooo, stop and smell the roses.
2. When you get home from work, the first person you see (wife, friend, family, etc) say something positive.  No matter how bad the day was, say something positive.  It could be the roses you saw that day.  If the only thing that was good that day was your lunch, the first words out of your mouth is to tell them about the great ham sandwich.
   
   If they say something negative back to you, take one of these three choices.  One, ignore what they say and continue talking about something positive.  Two, say to them, hay, I know you had a bad day, but something good must have happened.  Tell me about that.  Three, leave and go on to the next person.
   
   This is YOU being the source of positive energy.  Everybody like people that are full of positive energy. Nobody "should" like people that are all about negative energy (however, some like to swallow in the negative).  Remember, positive energy begets positive energy - negative energy begets negative energy.
3. For a least a month, stay away from negative energy.  No reading negative news in the morning paper, no watching negative programming on the TV, stay away from negative friends and/or family, and no reading negative blogs (again, I just could not help myself promoting my positive blogs).
4. When you go to bed, lay on your pillow and before you fall asleep, think about at least two things you appreciate about your life, your family, your accomplishments, your job, or at least the money your job gives so you can have the good stuff you have.  I am sure you can come up with at least two things you appreciate about your current life and/or you prior life.

You have to do these exercises every day.  Don't skip a day. If you stay with it, I assure you will be happier than before you started these exercises.

Happier is a good thing.  Appreciation leads to happiness.  Sooo, STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES.

Three is a Charm

She was at my son's bar mitzvah with a friend, but I didn't know it. She was at a reunion with my friend from Washington DC, but I didn't know it.

I first realized her at a friend's dinner at the Great Greek restaurant.  I was going through my second ugly divorce. I was off of all relationships. I was writing my first book which was my only priority. She was with a friend of mine. Their relationship was just friends. She remembered me - I thought it was the first time I saw her.

The two divorces had cost me all of my money and a friendship with my oldest son, however I was very interested in her.  I asked Howard if she was available. He made it very clear that the two of us would never work. I didn't disagree, but I was interested. I went home that night to continue to work on my book.  I couldn't get anything done because all I was thinking about was her.

The next day, another friend, who was at the dinner, wanted me to come to a party that night. I really wanted to work on my book, but before I said no, I asked Jay if Ellen would be there.  He said yes and told me to meet at Howard's house so we could all go in one car.

There was no room in the car for all of us, so I asked Ellen if she would sit on my lap - she said OK.  Driving to the party I said to Ellen that I would like to take her out on a formal date - she said OK.

At the party, a slow song came on. I asked Ellen if she would like to dance with me (us Philadelphia boys and Jersey girls know how to dance). Ellen said OK.  She and I were dancing very closely and when the slow song was over a fast song came on. During the fast song Ellen and I were still hip locked and dancing slowly. 

On the ride back to Howard's house, I asked Ellen if she wanted to stay overnight with me. She lived an hour away and I was ten minutes from Howards'. Ellen said OK.  Then it dawned on me that I was a broke bachelor who only had one set of sheets and pillow cases plus three towels. I went into Howard's house and asked him if I could borrow a set of sheets and a few towels. He asked me why. I told him about Ellen staying over. Howard in shock, said: "you have got to be kidding me - this will never work."

On the way to my car, I remembered a line from Annie Hall and said to Ellen,:"Listen, when I get to my place I'm going to be a nervous wreck so please kiss me now before we get there - Ellen said OK.

Ellen and I are just about to have our twenty third wedding anniversary (together twenty seven years). She is the love of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I know she loves me the same.

THREE IS A CHARM