Signing Off - I've Had The Time Of My Life

Signing Off - I've Had The Time Of My Life

Hi all, this is my last blog on the subject of "happiness the forgotten ingredient in life." With way over 200 blogs since 2011 and read in over 10 countries, I've decided that I've beat this horse to death. I'm now going to concentrate on writing my next novel "For The Good Of The People." I'm also going to do more mentoring and work to get better at playing my guitar. I sincerely hope you all got some enjoyment and some incite regarding your control of your happiness from my blogs.


For those of you that want to reread or share my blogs with others I suggest the following:

• Buy my book "Happiness The Forgotten Ingredient." This book has 100 of my first favorite blogs.
• Go to http://thekenkennygroup.blogspot.com/ On the right side of the site is a list of all of my blogs by month by year on the subject of happiness.
• Wait until next year (2014) when I will be publishing my next 100 blogs in my book "Happiness The Forgotten Ingredient - Book 2."

I thought the best way for me to sign-off on my blogs is to give you a few lines from my favorite blogs. 

• I hope you realize that laughter will give you positive energy which will lead to a happier life.  I hope you seek out positive energy people that make you laugh.  I hope you become one of those people by laughing a lot.  I hope you start out each day looking for things to laugh about instead of waiting for the outside world to make you laugh. I've always said that the way I value my life is by the number of times I laugh.
  
• My feeling is when things are not going so good today, we always want to think people had it better in the past.  The way we should be thinking, when things are not so good today, is they WILL be better in the future.
  
• My sister, Shirley, died four months later.  I felt so sad.  However, I was also so happy that I had thirteen years with her.  I felt happy that I could be there for her especially through the worst of times.  I felt good that for the first time in a long time she had happiness in her life.  I felt happy that I was able to encourage her to fight this horrible disease for four years when the doctors said she only had a few months to live.  I felt happy we were brother and sister for the first time.
  
  
  I felt happy I overcame anger for my sister and found love.
  
• Sooo, just think about every one of the commitments you make in life. Remind yourself you are giving up something that is very, very precious to you which is called spontaneity.
• That's right, being unhappy at your job will negatively affect your job. As you negatively affect your job, you start doing a bad job. That leads to more unhappiness and the possibility you will get fired. Getting fired will make you and everyone else unhappy.This chain of events is something you are able to control. It's simple, stop hating your job or parts of your job. Nobody is forcing you to hate your job - sooo, STOP IT!! 

• if you want to get all the happiness you deserve, add sex to your agenda. Don't get too emotional about it, just enjoy it. Sex should be fun.
• Every day we do things that have nothing to do with our objective. One reason for that is we don't know what our objective is. The one I focused on was happiness. Is what I'm doing or about to do getting me closer to happiness. You can have more than one objective, but remember, there is only one number one objective, one number two objective, one number three objective, etc. etc. etc.
  Focus on the one that will make you the happiest.
  
  
  
• You are in control of doing something creative. You don't have to be great at it - you just have to enjoy it. The two most important elements in doing something creative is:
  
  
  
  

  
  

   Something you are willing to spend your time at doing because it makes you happy.

  
  

  
  

  Do it for you not the money or anybody else.

If you follow these two simple rules, you will be happy doing something creative even if you stink at it. two years ago I learned to play the guitar. I really suck at it, but rock and roll and country rock fills my heart - that makes me very happy.

• The bottom line is, never change what you want to do because they told you to change it. Never hold back from going forward with what you want to do because they think it's a bad idea. Never get caught up in the negative energy of their feedback. The reason I say this is simple:
  
  
  
  
  

  • They Don't Know Shit
  
  
• You have to be secure enough within yourself to push back. Don't take these bullshit statements because you don't want to rock the boat. Speak out and call them out. They will respect you more if you don't just roll over.
  
  
  When they try to make you believe a definitive statement without proof, say to them:
  
  
  
  

  • You're Just Making This Shit Up
    
• Happiness is the forgotten ingredient in life.  You can choose to not allow anger to take you down.  You can choose to limit the amount of time you stay angry.  You can choose to accept (maybe even love) the people or events that are making you angry.  You can choose to love life more than you love being angry. You can choose to get the help necessary to minimize the affect your buttons have on you.

ANGER, WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

• Is there life on Mars?  Was there ever bacteria life on Mars?  Why do I give a shit?  How will my life change for the better if we find life on Mars?  Is there life on other planets in the universe?  With trillions of planets going around a crap load of suns, the very strong odds say yes.  Therefore, why do we have to search for them - let them find us!!
  1. • 2. Worrying about death doesn't have to be a bad thing as long as you're using that fear to get closer to your friends and family, working to get all the happiness you deserve, doing what you can to live longer and: 
          
          

          1. • 1. 
                  Appreciate The wonders of your life before it's too late.

• Sooo, when you're involved with an event that makes you unhappy, try saying: "what's it my business." When you're involved with someone who is doing things they shouldn't be doing and it's affecting you in a negative way, try saying: "what's it my business." 
  
  

  
  Lastly, when someone you care about comes to you and says: "I'm unhappy because my parents did a piss poor job of raising me and my sister," you should yell back at them:

"What's It Your Business"

• You can't really believe that the daily horoscope is correct for the tens of thousands of people (who are all different and born in different years) who read and react on these bullshit horoscopes. Do you realize these daily horoscopes are written by a news writer who was delivering internal mail six months before he or she was asked, by the editor, to write the daily horoscope. If you do, then I know a surgeon who is a master at performing lobotomies.  
  
  The bottom line is that if you believe in Superstitions, Horoscopes and Fortune Cookies and that helps you get through the day, I'm all in favor of it. However, just make sure you say to yourself,
  
  
  I know its bullshit, but just in case...
  
  

• Humor is a critical part of helping you achieve happiness. If these one liners don't get you to laugh you either don't have a sense of humor, you're a very unhappy depressed person or you're in a coma. I'm sure we've all had a time when we wanted to say to someone "take my wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend....Please! If you say that in a serious tone, you need to get out of your relationship. If you say that with humor, you'll put a smile of everyone's face.
  The best way to get out of a bad mood is to read, listen to or watch someone with a great sense of humor tell jokes. I know some of them will be bad, but don't focus on those. Focus on the ones that not only put a smile on your face, but get you to laugh.

Remember my quote: "the way I view my life is by the number of times I laugh."

• The answer is, worrying about something that can happen to you is easier than doing everything you can to prevent it from happen to you. But, because it's hard, too many of us just roll the dice and put our head in the sand thinking it won't happen to me.
  
   
  Starting today, for every time you would say: "oh shit is this going to happen to me?" Find at least two positive things happening and say:  "WOW, this could happen to me!"
  It's just a better way to live your life. Doing so will bring you positive energy. Doing so will be more attractive to the people around you. Doing so will make you more popular.
  My strong advice is to stop hanging out with the people who always say: "Oh Shit Is This Going To Happen To Me."

• Sooo, the real answer to not being jealous is to stop focusing on Jealousy and start focusing on being happy. That's right! Happiness is the forgotten ingredient in life. Being Jealous is easy. Being happy is harder. It takes risk. It takes sacrifice. It takes looking inside yourself and finding the love that exists. It takes giving positive energy out into the Universe.
  
  
  It takes accepting who you are and never being jealous of anyone or anything ever again.

• For those of you who religiously read my blogs, you know I'm not big on religion. This is especially true in the statements on Faith "a firm belief in something for which there is no proof" and "nothing is more important to her than her faith in God."
  
  
  To give control of my life to something or anything that I have no proof exists is not my way of creating a happy life. To say there is nothing more important in my life than a Faith in God is disregarding my primary premise that positive energy and my happiness is just a little more important than anything else in my life including God (who I never heard, saw or touched).
  
  You probably believe I'm being very cynical about Faith. Not true! Having Faith is a good thing, but there is a down side. The more Faith you have in something the less control you have of that something. I have always stated that you have more control of your happiness than you might think.
  
  
  Don't let too much Faith erode the control you have over your life.

• I know the anus and its bowel system is something you never want to talk about. However, you wouldn't have any problem telling someone you care about that you're in a bad mood because you broke your foot, have a migraine or lost your best friend. Well guess what, being constipated for a few days can be as painful as a broken foot or migraine. It can also be as depressing as losing a friend.
  
  
  Sooo, say it loud and say it proud by telling the world you're having trouble taking a shit!!

• Rock and roll brings positive energy and happy emotions all over my mind and body. It could be Country rock, classic rock, hard rock and just plain rock and roll. It's the beat that gets me. I can't stop my body from shaking to the beat. It must be something deep down inside my soul that brings out all these positive emotions.
  Can you name three things that get you into a positive mood? If you can't, try harder. If you can, make every effort to do at least one of those things every day.
  
  
  I suggest you wake up to the Rolling Stones "Start Me Up." That will get your body pumping faster that a strong cup of coffee!

• I believe generations from now will evolve to a point that the brain will be more interesting than the human body. But, if you want to be happy for a long time with someone special, I suggest you look deeper into their eyes so you can see their brain. The firm hot body is not what is sexy about a person. It's the brain. The brain controls a person's sex drive. The brain is the thing giving and getting an orgasm.
  The brain is what makes someone interesting. The brain is what makes someone kind and caring. The brain is what can make someone rich or famous. The brain is what can make someone creative. The brain is what can make someone monogamous. The brain is what you're really looking for in a committed relationship. The body can't do shit without the brain.
  Sooo, change your attitude and start looking for the most beautiful brain in your search for happiness.

• If you can accept an Asshole and still find happiness in your live, the Asshole will make your desire to be happy stronger. If you are a happy person, you can laugh at them acting out. If you are a happy person, you will be strong enough to call them out when they cross over the line. If you are a happy person, you can be sympathetic and empathetic of their need to act out because they are so unhappy.
  If you are the source of positive energy, you can change an Asshole to be more sociable and therefore, more happy.
  
  
  However, if you tried your best and they are just as big an Asshole as before, GET THE ASSHOLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE!
  
  

• Unless you've been locked up in a small room in your basement, you've been bombarded with TV and the publishers pushing these doom and gloom opinions down your throat.  So called "experts" talk about this bad stuff like they know something.  Radical TV hosts almost guarantee all this is going to happen.  Even nationally trusted publications write about worse case scenarios.
  The impact of all this doom and gloom has got to affect our mental well being.  The impact of all this doom and gloom is making many of us depressed.  The impact of all this doom and gloom is making many of us see the future as negative instead of positive. The impact of all this doom and gloom makes us angry, frustrated and scared. The impact of all this doom and gloom could lead to a self fulfilling prophecy (WAR).
  What are the facts here?  World war three is not going to happen.  We're not going to blow up the world.  We will not take away women's rights.  The middle class will always be here because they're the largest voting block and will support the candidates that make middle class friendly policies.  Drugs will always be around, but the majority will not let them affect their productivity.
  
  
• Why do we play nice and not say what we really feel?  Why doesn't the person who you're giving your bullshit response, just say: "I'm calling bullshit!"  "I know you don't want to drive to the bar.  It's OK, another time."  "I'm calling bullshit!"  "I can see in your face you don't like my new dress.  Why not just say so - I'll still love you."  "I'm calling bullshit!"  "The fact you have hardly eaten your meal tells me you don't like it.  Why not just tell me what you think it's missing.  That way I can choose if I want to fix it so other customers don't get a bad meal.  Also, if you just said so, I would get you something else to eat."
  Our answer is: "I don't want to hurt the person's feeling."  Again, I'm calling bullshit!  Giving a person honest feedback is the right thing to do.  Its information they need.  You have the power to say it in a way that won't get them to be defensive.  If they're a close friend, just tell them like it is - they'll still be your friend.
  Saying you didn't want to hurt their feelings, is really about you being concerned they won't like you anymore.  Not wanting to create conflict is you not being secure enough to share your true feelings.  You know your friend will not leave you.  Even if they get pissed off because you said something they didn't want to hear, they will still be your friend.  If they do stop being your friend, they maybe it wasn't the friendship you thought it was.
  Stop the cycle today.  Tell the truth in a way that's not offensive.  Tell the truth in a way they can hear you.  Telling the truth will set you free.  Telling the truth will get you to like yourself even more.  Liking yourself more is a big step to happiness.
  To the people who can't live with themselves unless they say something they don't really believe, I say:
  
  
  I'm Calling Bullshit!!!
  
  

• Sooo, what the hell are they afraid of.  I really don't know and I'm not sure they know.  I have never heard anyone give me a specific reason as to why being gay is wrong.  Saying the Bible says so, is leaving all your decisions to a book.  Saying it's just not right, is not an intelligent answer.  Saying that's the way I was brought up, is giving control of your life to the past.  Saying it discuss me, is saying you have no incite as to how you feel about things.
  
  
  Probably many of my readers have no problem with gay people, but some know people who do.  Probably some of my readers have no problem with gay marriage, however those who do, please ask yourself: "what am I afraid of?" "What's the worst that can happen?"  "Will anybody who loves me stop loving me?"  Will my journey to happiness crumble?"
  
  
  Being afraid of gays, Muslims, etc. etc. is no way to live your life.  Unless you have a really good reason, don’t let fears of anybody make you unhappy. 
  
  
  
  
  Loving Unconditionally Is An Important Way To Live A Life Of Happiness.

• The point is, your moral compass is your moral compass.  Religions, the Bible, your parents, your friends, etc. are not in charge of your moral compass.  If you believe you're a good person, if you believe you can live with the mistakes you've made in your life, if you can look yourself in the mirror and see a good happy person then you're not going to Hell.
  If you don't believe you're a good person.  If you don't believe you can live with the mistakes you've made in your life.  If you can't look yourself in the mirror then YOU'RE ALREADY IN HELL.
  I've made mistakes I would love to take back.  I've lied and cheated.  However, when I look into the mirror, I see a loving, caring, good and happy person.  I like myself.  I forgave my indiscretions many years ago.
  Am I going to Heaven?  I'm really not into that stuff.  I'm more focused on what my five senses tell me which is: 
  
  "If Heaven is described as a place where you're happy with great friends and love ones, then I'm already in Heaven!"

• OK, enough about me, what about you? Have you come to terms with your buttons? Do you realize reacting poorly to the button pushers are never going to make you happy? Have you done anything to find a way to either get rid of your buttons or at least not get as angry, frustrated or depressed when someone is has his finger on your button?
   
  My blogs are about happiness. Buttons are the antithesis of creating a happy life. We work hard to make a living. We work hard to raise a family. We work hard to generate good friends. We work hard to make us more attractive. We work hard at finding something that will make us happy. 
  
  Now is the time to work even harder at minimizing the number and the pain of those freak-en buttons

It has been very hard for me to choose just the few blogs to share with you. I could have selected 90 percent of them. Blogging for me has two wonderful results. One, I get something I care about off my chest. Two, by giving you incite and something to think about, I remind myself the work I have put in and the work I still have to accomplish to be the happy person I want to be.

I appreciate all of you who have read my blogs, but even though I sincerely hope they have made an impact in you life and happiness, It's all about me because;

I've Had The Time Of My Life Writing Them

Button, Button, Please Stop Pressing My Buttons

Button, Button, Please Stop Pressing My Buttons

Is there anyone out there who doesn't have any buttons? I didn't think so. We all have them to some degree or the other. What are your worst buttons? Who is the best at pressing your buttons?  I grew up with quite a few buttons. The worst one was feeling disrespected. I believe this specific button was created by me feeling not good enough.


My parents were hard working and family dedicated. One problem was my mother came from old school attitudes on the role of the mother in the family. To be specific, her role was to have children, take care of the children, cook and do what my father needed from her. She never drove a car. She never wrote a check. She never balanced a budget. That was my father's role.


My father was the rock of the family. He did everything my mother didn't. The problem was that even though my father was brilliant, he could only get work that required him to use his physical capabilities not his mental capabilities. That was OK because he was a well-built man. However, the physical work took its toll and his back became a huge problem. We couldn't afford an operation so he was in pain most of his years.


My sister was also brilliant, but she had social problems. She could take care of herself, but she was never there for my parents. Because of that she and I fought a lot because I had to be the good son to her bad daughter. 


Now, what the hell does all of this have to do with my button problem - everything! Sooo, there was my situation when I was eight years old:

• My father was the bread winner and he was in major pain with his bad back. I was scared shitless that he wasn't going to be able to take care of us. I had to be good enough to take care of the family. At eight that wasn't going to happen and I knew it.
  
• My mother was never taught the skills to make money and take care of us. I had to be good enough to take care of the family. At eight that wasn't going to happen and I knew it.
  
• My sister didn't want any parts of being responsible for the family. She was pissed off at my father because he wasn't rich and famous. I had to be good enough to take care of the family. At eight that wasn't going to happen and I knew it.

This feeling of responsibility without the capability of being able to perform, grew a huge "not good enough" button inside me. 

In some ways it was a good thing because I pushed myself to be successful. However, even though they all have passed away and even though I've had great success in business, that freak-en "not good enough" button will not go away. When I was challenged at work I got very angry and would try to defend myself to the death. When I was challenged at home, I would get angry and moody for many days.

When I went to see a therapist at 39 years old, I asked him to help me stop everyone from pushing my buttons.  He laughed and said the only way you're going to get over this is to believe this is your problem not theirs and to work hard at getting rid of your buttons. He was right, but, to this day, it's easier to say and very hard to do.

I'm 68 now and I've been able to get rid of almost all of my buttons except the "not good enough" button. It doesn't get pressed often, but, when it does, I still try to defend myself to the death. The biggest change in my behavior is that the anger and moody stuff only last for a few hours not days. I'm also able to step back and see what's happening to me. I'm also able to accept this is my problem not theirs and after I calm down, I do apologize to the button pusher.

OK, enough about me, what about you? Have you come to terms with your buttons? Do you realize reacting poorly to the button pushers are never going to make you happy? Have you done anything to find a way to either get rid of your buttons or at least not get as angry, frustrated or depressed when someone is has his finger on your button? 

My blogs are about happiness. Buttons are the antithesis of creating a happy life. We work hard to make a living. We work hard to raise a family. We work hard to generate good friends. We work hard to make us more attractive. We work hard at finding something that will make us happy. 

Now is the time to work even harder at minimizing the number and the pain of those freak-en buttons

What's It Your Business

What's It Your Business

There is a line in the movie Annie Hall where Alfie (played by a young Woody Alan) is living under a train that rattles his apartment all day long.  Alfie is in deep depression and his Jewish mother takes him to see a Psychiatrist. The Psychiatrist asks Alfie why he thinks he is so depressed. Alfie answers: "I'm depressed because the universe is expanding." His mother then yells at Alfie: "what's it your business."


If you don't get the reason that line is very funny it's probably because you didn't grow up with a Jewish mother. Most mothers of any race want to be proud of their children. They want everyone to believe their children are the best looking, the smartest and the happiest child in the world. If any of that is not true, then the mother believes she is a failure. Therefore, Jewish, Italian, French, Muslim, etc.etc. do all they can to fix any child that is not happy. 


One way to fix a child that has problems with school kids, is unhappy all the time, sees the future as negative or wants everyone to love him is to tell him to ignore the problems by saying: "what's it your business."


The interesting thing about this way of dealing with her child is the mother is absolutely right. How many things do you get involved in that make you unhappy? How many times do you see others doing something wrong and that pisses you off? How many times do you want the outside world to treat you better? I could go on and on, but "what's it your business."


The challenge is to focus on your shit not their shit. We have a hard enough time getting through the day with a smile on our face. What we don't need is someone else's problems, attitude, depression, etc. etc. holding us back from our goal of happiness. However, it's very hard to ignore them because they are many times a mirror of what's going on inside ourselves.


As children we can be motivated by our parents. That could be for the good, the bad or the evil. However, as adults we have to take charge of our feelings. It does us no good to say: "I'm an unhappy person because my mother.....  Taking charge of your career and your life has to be your goal. I'll say it again and again; you have more control of your happiness than you think.


Sooo, when you're involved with an event that makes you unhappy, try saying: "what's it my business." When you're involved with someone who is doing things they shouldn't be doing and it's affecting you in a negative way, try saying: "what's it my business." 


Lastly, when someone you care about comes to you and says: "I'm unhappy because my parents did a piss poor job of raising me and my sister," you should yell back at them:

"What's It Your Business"

Oh Shit Is This Going To Happen To Me

Oh Shit Is This Going To Happen To Me

As we watch our parents get older, slower, fatter or thinner and with problems like cancer or diabetes, do you say to yourself: "oh shit is this going to happen to me?" If you do, what are you willing to do about it?  Unfortunately, most of us do nothing.


However, if we do nothing, then we put ourselves in a position to worry about it. Just because you have cancer in your family doesn't mean you'll get cancer. My father's mother died from a bad gall bladder. My father's sisters all died before their 65th birthday from either cancer or heart disease. However, my father never got any of these diseases and lived until he was 86.


On the other hand, my sister died of cancer at 64. Life is a crap shoot. Looking at other people and thinking: "oh shit is this going to happen to me," isn't productive and will suck the happiness right out of you.


Why not focus on something positive and say: "WOW, this could happen to me!" Someone 3000 miles away from you hits the Mega Millions Lottery for 200 million dollars. Why not say: "WOW, this could happen to me!" The reason we usually don't think this way is because our natural course of life is focusing on the negative. Break that way of thinking and buy a lottery ticket. It could be you next time.


It's not stupid to think: "oh shit is this going to happen to me." However, it is stupid if you don't do something about it. If there is cancer or diabetes in your family and you're worried that it can happen to you, why not get regular checkups with your doctor? Why not eat foods that help avoid cancer or diabetes? Why not keep yourself in great shape by exercising?


The answer is, worrying about something that can happen to you is easier than doing everything you can to prevent it from happen to you. But, because it's hard, too many of us just roll the dice and put our head in the sand thinking it won't happen to them. 


Starting today, for every time you would say: "oh shit is this going to happen to me?" Find at least two positive things happening and say:  "WOW, this could happen to me!"

It's just a better way to live your life. Doing so will bring you positive energy. Doing so will be more attractive to the people around you. Doing so will make you more popular.

My strong advice is to stop hanging out with the people who always say: "Oh Shit Is This Going To Happen To Me."

Jealousy

Jealousy

jeal·ous

adj.

1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.

2.

    a. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.

    b. Inclined to suspect rivalry.

3. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.

4. Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name.

5. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.

 

 

 

I never realized there were so many definitions of jealousy. I always believed jealousy was about someone else. How many of you are jealous of a rich friend? How many of you are jealous of a loving couple? How many of you are jealous of someone that's famous? How many of you are jealous of a person who got his fame or wealth because of his parents? How many of you are jealous of a person who seems happy all the time?

 

 

Why would anyone be jealous? The answer is because you believe someone is better than you, better looking than you, more successful than you, richer than you, has their act together and you don't, loves life and you don't, is famous and you're not and is a risk taker and you're not.

 

 

Being jealous will lead to an unhappy life. Many jealous people are envious, hateful, angry, self-loathing and have little respect, love and trust in themselves. 

 

 

Why would anyone be jealous of someone else's good fortune? How does being jealous of that person help you?  How does being jealous of that person make you a better person? How does being jealous of that person enrich your life? How does being jealous of that person make you happy? The answer is simple; it doesn't do any of those things. Sooo, why not just stop being jealous?

 

 

That answer is not so simple. Some of us were brought up in a family where our parents were jealous of everyone and everything. Rich people are jealous of poor people because they believe they have a simpler life. Famous people are jealous of everyday people because they believe they don't have the stress of fame hanging over their head. Some CEOs are jealous of their workers because they believe they don't live with the daily pressure of being a CEO.

 

 

It's more likely that poor people are less jealous than rich and famous people because poor people have accepted their position in life. Many rich and famous people did what they had to do to get what they have. However, now that they have it, they don't understand why they're are not as happy as other people.

 

 

How many poor people commit suicide? Believe it or not rich and famous people commit suicide more than poor people. How many poor people have nervous breakdowns? Again, not as many as rich and famous people.

 

 

Therefore, it makes no sense to be jealous of anybody or anything. You have what you have. You are what you are. You got this way honestly. You paid your dues. Even if it all isn't turning out the exact way you wanted it to turn out, it's still better than many others.

 

 

Sooo, the real answer to not being jealous is to stop focusing on Jealousy and start focusing on being happy. That's right! Happiness is the forgotten ingredient in life. Being Jealous is easy. Being happy is harder. It takes risk. It takes sacrifice. It takes looking inside yourself and finding the love that exists. It takes giving positive energy out into the Universe.

 

It takes accepting who you are and never being jealous of anyone or anything ever again.

 

 

Take My Wife.....Please

Take My Wife.....Please

 
 
 
That one liner is from the late and great Henny Youngman. In my father's time, Henny was considered the king of the one liners. Here are just a few of them:
 

Airline Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"


Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"


Drunk Jokes

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

 
Hollywood Jokes

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
 
 
Henny was really funny, but he passed his crown to the next great one liner, Rodney Dangerfield. Rodney's jokes surrounded around the concept that he got no respect. Here are just a few:


Childhood
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
 
Doctors
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
 
Sex
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
 
Self
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
 
Wife
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion. 
 
Wife
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
 
Self
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
 
Doctors
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
 
Family
My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
 
Wife
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
 
Doctors
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
 
Wife
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
 
Self
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
 
Self
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
 
Self
I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
 
Wife
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
 
Wife Quotes
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
 
Sex Quotes
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
 
Sex Quotes
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
 
Sex Quotes
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
 
Wife
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
 
Family
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
 
Self
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
 
Doctors
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
 
Wife
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
 
Self
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
 
Wife
Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
 
Sex
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
 
Wife
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
 
Wife
Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.
 
Family
I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
 

Even Woody Alan got into the act with a one liner from the movie Any Hall

Woody Alan
 
I would never join an organization that would have me as a member.


Humor is a critical part of helping you achieve happiness. If these one liners don't get you to laugh you either don't have a sense of humor, you're a very unhappy depressed person or you're in a coma. I'm sure we've all had a time when we wanted to say to someone "take my wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend....Please! If you say that in a serious tone, you need to get out of your relationship. If you say that with humor, you'll put a smile of everyone's face.


The best way to get out of a bad mood is to read, listen to or watch someone with a great sense of humor tell jokes. I know some of them will be bad, but don't focus on those. Focus on the ones that not only put a smile on your face, but get you to laugh.

Remember my quote: "the way I view my life is by the number of times I laugh."

Superstition Horoscope Fortune Cookie

Superstitions  Horoscopes  Fortune Cookies

Superstition is a pejorative term for belief in supernatural causality: that one event leads to the cause of another without any natural process linking the two events


World Superstitions

The French believe that handling a loaf of bread upside-down or placing it upside-down on the table will brings hunger and bad luck to both the giver and the recipient.

Russia, There is a belief that unmarried people should avoid sitting at the corner of the table. They will find difficulties finding their life partner and will not get married.

One superstition held in Germany that if someone has difficulty dying, one may ease the process by lifting up three tiles on the roof.

In China, the colour white is associated with death/mourning. It is best to avoid sending invitations or flowers in white, money in a white envelopes are called 'pak kum' usually given to the family of the deceased to help with the funeral cost

In Japan, it is believed that you'll have a short life if you sleep at night with your head facing north. It is customary that Japanese corpses are laid with their head facing north during 'wake' ceremony.

Common superstitions

Beginner's luck
Don't walk under that ladder
Black cats crossing your path
A rabbit's foot will bring you luck
Bad luck comes in threes
Careful with that mirror
666
Knock on wood
Make a wish on a wishbone
Cross your fingers
No umbrellas inside
Friday the 13th


I'm not superstitious because I don't buy into the idea that supernatural causality where one event leads to the cause of another without any natural process linking the two events. What about you? What are your superstitions? Do you believe in them so strongly that you would control your life around them?


When walking down the street do you go around that ladder in front of you? I know you know that superstition is bullshit, but just to be sure, you avoid walking under that ladder. Your attitude is "who knows what could happen - I just don't want to give myself bad Juju.


How many of you keep something in your pocket or wallet that you believe will bring you good luck? How many of you have a money tree in your house? How many of you do everything you can to not break a mirror because you believe you'll have bad luck. How many of you buy into this fung-shway crap?


When I was young there was a superstition that when you're walking down the street you have to avoid stepping on the cracks in the sidewalk. The saying goes "step on a crack, break your mother's back." Could that superstition be any more stupid. I could go on and on with these ridiculous superstitions, but many believe in them.


The fact is that some people are paranoid about some superstitions. They actually let them have an impact on their lives and their happiness. Ask yourself, how the hell can a rabbit's foot or a coin bring you good luck? Do you really believe if you break a mirror or have a black cat run in front of you, you'll have bad luck? What the hell does a mirror or a black cat have anything to do with luck? As a matter of fact what the hell is luck? Believing in luck is probably the most insidious superstition of them all.


Shit happens all the time. You can't control the future no matter how much you plan for it. Superstitions are statement in the future. Sooo, if you can't control the future then how can a superstition which is based on hundreds or thousands of years of folklore, actually have an impact on your future. Get with it people, you know it's bullshit. However, just in case, maybe you should knock on wood if something good happens to you.


You now know how I feel about superstitions, how do you think I feel about Horoscopes and Fortune Cookies. If you said "bullshit" then you know me. I'm not talking about people who read your horoscope by learning about the date and time you were born or in what moon you were born into. I believe that's as much bullshit as someone reading your cards and telling you what happened in the past and what's going to happen in the future.


However, many people put their faith in these Soothsayers. Who am I to judge. Oh, that's right, I'm a normal thinking individual who doesn't believe in faith in the first place (see my previous blog titled "Faith."


When it comes to horoscopes, I'm talking about the ones in the newspaper or other media. Do you really believe that today is not a good day to try something new? Who are these horoscope writers talking about anyway? Are they talking about my 89 year old mother who is nothing like a close friend of mine who just happens to be born on the same day?


You can't really believe that the daily horoscope is correct for the tens of thousands of people (who are all different and born in different years) who read and react on these bullshit horoscopes. Do you realize these daily horoscopes are written by a news writer who was delivering internal mail six months before he or she was asked, by the editor, to write the daily horoscope. If you do, then I know a surgeon who is a master at performing lobotomies.  


Now for those of you who believe in horoscopes, you must believe in the fortunes inside Fortune Cookies. Sooo, let's take an example. Speaker of the House of Representatives in Congress, John Boehner goes to Panda Express to get his Chinese lunch. He gets back to his office in Congress and opens up his Fortune Cookie. It says: "your personality will win over everybody." Speaker Boehner reads the fortune, goes out of his office and runs through Congress waving his fortune while screaming: "I have a personality, I have a personality, I have a personality!!!


Get real people! These cookies have fortunes written by a machine and then stuffed into a weird shaped cookie. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! However, if your desperate for good news (BTW, there is never bad news in a Fortune Cookie) hold off on getting the lobotomy and allow the fortune to put a smile on your face.

The bottom line is that if you believe in Superstitions, Horoscopes and Fortune Cookies and that helps you get through the day, I'm all in favor of it. However, just make sure you say to yourself,

I know its bullshit, but just in case...