Man's Best Friend

Man's Best Friend

Man's best friend is neither his dog nor any animal. Man's best friend is neither his Mother nor any human being. Man's best friend is fixing something or anything. Men get off on being handy. Even the ones like me who can't fix shit, love it when I fix something. When a man hugs his dog he feels great. However, when a man looks at something he fixed he tingles all over.


I've always joked that my tool chest consisted of nothing other than a Swiss Army Knife. I also joked that the only way a Jew, like me, can fix something is by being best friends with an Italian. Many Jews are good at fixing things like broken companies, financial problems, getting someone out of going to jail, fixing teeth, fixing a bad heart, etc. As long as it's not something mechanical, many Jews can fix it.


Two days ago I fixed a broken rubber flapper in my toilet. I know it's not that big a deal, but when my other best friend, my wife, gave me a kiss because I fixed the flapper without my Italian friend Hank, I glowed all over.


I usually don't do any plumbing or electrical fixing because in the past I made things worse. But, I do try to fix some things and when I get it right I realize the fix was my best friend. I assume it must have something to do with ego. Therefore enhancing my ego via fixing something is my best friend. Some men have big egos (can you spell Donald Trump) and some have small egos. It's not the size of the ego that counts it's the size of the thing they are fixing.


The Donald likes fixing things that make him a lot of money. The bigger the fix, the bigger the money, the bigger his ego. I don't have a big ego (now that I'm retired), but I do get off fixing something that even I didn't think I could fix.


Where men get into big trouble is when they try to fix a woman's problem. When a woman tells a guy she is pissed off at her girlfriend, the guy immediately tries to explain to her how to fix the relationship. The problem is that most women don't want the problem fixed. They like, for now, being pissed off at their friend. When they get over it, in time, the woman will fix it herself.


The more her guy friend tries to fix her the more she gets pissed off. Over my many years with women I realize that when a woman is pissed off (at anything) STAY AWAY! However, guess what, in my need for a fix every once in a while, I shoot my mouth off and try to fix the situation. I know I'm being stupid and I know I'm just going to make things worse, but I can't help myself. Man's best friend needs his fix.


In business, I was considered a fixer. Management kept putting me into jobs that were having trouble. I didn't think about promotion because it made me happier to get the chance to fix a product line, a department and a wholly owned company. Taking a company from losing money to making money in one year was my best friend.


Sooo, you men out there start your fixing engines. Try fixing something that is not a woman. What's the worst that can happen? You'll call a plumber while your bathroom is under water. You'll have to live without lights and TV until the electrician shows up.

Or, you actually might fix the dam thing without an Italian.