The Great Pretender

The Great Pretender

My favorite singing group is the Platters. I watch the Voice on TV and I've never seen a male singer with as much range and pitch as Tony Williams their lead singer. One of their songs, The Great Pretender, hit home with me when I lost my father. 

My father was a six one strong well-built man with a great sense of humor and a brilliant brain. He was the salt of the earth. He was a hard worker, dependable, trustworthy (he never cheated on anything or anybody) with a great moral compass. 

To keep the family afloat he worked most of the day and night. We didn't have much father and son time growing up, but he trusted me enough to let me help him in his tiny luncheonette. 

I started working with him when I was ten and stayed working with him until I was nineteen. I loved working with him because I felt trusted and respected. He never yelled at me for doing something wrong (that was my mother's job and she wasn't very good at it because she loved me too much). I believe I'm the person I am today because of him.

When he became old his bad back and his bad legs (from working) got the best of him. He had to retire because he just couldn't do it anymore. I'm sure he was in pain most of his life, but he never complained. Besides his smart brain and sense of humor, I also got his bad spine. To this day I believe the trade-off was well worth it.

The in his late seventies and eighties he got kidney disease. It started when he couldn't control his bowels and eventually led to my mother and I putting him in a nursing home so he could get care and dialysis. 

His plight led him to become an angry person. He lost his sense of humor and because he only gave instead of getting his whole life, he felt cheated out of a happy life. This big strong man who took care of the family was no longer able to take care of himself. 

I would fly into Philadelphia to see him in the nursing home a few times a year. Seeing the man I loved and looked up to become someone I never knew made me so sad I would feel great depression in my heart. 

I was able to cry to my wife and a few friends, However, I was a man now and had to show great strength to my mother. That's when I became The Great Pretender.

Yesterday I listened to the words Tony Williams sang and it reminded me of how I felt back then:

"Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender

Pretending that I'm doing well

My need is such I pretend too much

I'm lonely but no one can tell

Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender

Adrift in a world of my own

I've played the game but to my real shame

You've left me to grieve all alone

Too real is this feeling of make-believe

Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Yes I'm the great pretender

Just laughin' and gay like a clown

I seem to be what I'm not, you see

I'm wearing my heart like a crown

Pretending that you're still around

Too real is this feeling of make-believe

Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal"

This day will come, at some point, to all of us. It just happened to me weeks ago when I lost my beloved dog Zita. What I learned from the event years ago was to NOT become The Great Pretender. To let it out. To let everybody know you're grieving. To give yourself time to grieve and when it's over (as it must be) go back to the life loving, positive energy person I have become.