Is your happiness determined by the outside world?

Who are the outside world?  It's everybody and everything that is NOT you.  Your spouse, kids, friends, family, neighbors, bartender, car, house, briefcase, etc. etc. etc. are the outside world.

Is the outside world bad?  That depends on you.  Do you make happiness decisions based upon how the outside world will react?  Do you avoid changes because you believe the outside world might not approve.  Do you avoid taking risks because "they" will think you are stupid.

All of us have some level of insecurity inside.  Some a lot more than others.  Insecurity is a happiness killer.  Insecurity gets you to think about the outside world consequences before you act.  Insecurity is a hole inside you that some believe "they" will fill.  Insecurity will take away your control and give it to "them."

At thirty nine I went to a therapist.  Bob was the one that got me to "see" how I was impacting my happiness.  Sorry, I need a brief plug here - "seeing" is the topic of my next blog. 

The first thing Bob said when I met him was: "Kenny, why are you here?'  I responded: "I wouldn't need to be here if everyone would stop treating me in a way that makes me unhappy."  Bob, said: "I'm glad you came."

It took me a year before I understood how my statement was affecting my happiness.  I was a good person.  I had great friends. I was a star at work.  Yet, I needed the outside world to tell me how wonderful I was.  If "they", in any way, disagreed with me or hinted I wasn't the great person I was, I would defend myself to the death.

Bob didn't take the insecurity out of me.  I will live with it for the rest of my life.  What he did convince me was two things.  One, by needing positive feedback from the outside world, I was giving up control of my happiness.  Two, if the outside world disagrees or doesn't like me, that is their problem not mine.

I tell the people I mentor a story:

John finds a quarter in his pocket and puts it into his hand and closes his fingers around it.  He goes up to Sally and says:  Sally, "I have a quarter in my hand."  Sally says: "no you don't. You never have money and you don't have any now."  John goes into defense mode and says: "Sally, why are you being so mean. I know I have a quarter in my hand."  Sally again screams: "NO." John again screams: "YES." 

Then John starts to think: "maybe Sally is right.  Maybe I thought I put the quarter in my hand but I didn't.  Maybe I dropped it.  Dam, I'm stupid.  I lost my quarter."

John was me.  Bob convinced me that if I was in control of my insecurity and the outside world, I could have said to Sally from the start:  "Sally, I know you don't believe I have a quarter in my hand, but that's your problem.  I know I have a quarter, so let's go to the store and buy candy.  Less insecure, less giving in to the outside world, less stressed out - MORE HAPPINESS.

It took me awhile to "see" the difference between the insecure person inside me and the person I know I am.  I try to always be the great me, but that other person is still with me to this day.  The difference is I know he is there.  By knowing "he" exists my "me" is in control much, much more than him.  Sorry, another plug, my next blog will give you some insight into how to deal with him.

When asked by your friends: "where should we go to dinner tonight?"  Do you say:  "I don't know. Where do you guys want to go?"  That statement is bullshit.  You know what you want to eat, but you won't say it because the others might not like your suggestion and, in your mind, might therefore stop liking you.

Why not try another approach.  When asked the same question, say: "I would like Mexican, however if you all want something else I'm willing to go along as long as it's not seafood or fish."  I assure you your friends, family, spouse, kids, etc. will not stop loving you because you told them what you want.  Most likely they would prefer someone to make a decision (some because they fear that if they say what "they" want, The outside world will stop liking them).

If you want sex from your spouse, ask for it.  The worst they could say is not tonight.  Will your spouse think less of you because you asked? If they do, maybe this relationship is and has been in trouble.

When you go to buy a car, is the first thing that comes to your mind about how you will be looked upon by the outside world?  I know BMW hopes so.  Could you really buy a car or truck that you love knowing that it might not look good to your neighbors, wife, kids, restaurant valet, etc.  If not, you have just given up your happiness to "them."

How much bling will make "them - not you" happy?  How much happier will "they - not you" be in your two thousand dollar suit instead one from three day suit outlet?  How many promotions that you really don't want will you take to make "them - not you" happy?  What if you like the job you are in and don't need the added stress? Oh, I forgot, you have to take the promotion because that will make "them - not you" happy.

What are you telling your kids when you buy them toys that they play with for a day and get bored the next.  It becomes an expectation, but does it really make them happy.  Oh, I get it, you brought them more toys then they need so "they" will like you.  Get real, they already like you. Your their family.  You give them food and shelter.  One toy is enough. 

Growing up poor was an advantage (believe it or not) when it came to toys.  Us kids made our own toys (board games, bottle caps so we could play beeries, etc) - that made us happy.  Seeing something we created made us happy.  Why does it have to be about YOU?  Don't just get them what they want because you believe they will like you better.  Get them something they can use to be creative. Coloring books, dominoes, Legos, etc. will make them happier than a five hundred dollar toy.

We live in the outside world, but we don't need to be controlled by it.  The outside world will always disappoint you eventually.  If you need their approval, you will be unhappy.  The outside world needs you happy because many of them are unhappy.  Many of the people you know are living to get the outside world to like them.  You will be their hero, if you don't.  They will look up to you because you like yourself more then you need "them."

Please trust me on this because I've been there - done that.  The other way just does not work.  Just think how great it would be if you didn't need the outside world to make you happy and every once in a while "they" do something that does make you happy.  WOW, what a big plus.