The Light At The End Of The Darkness

Just when I thought life could not get worse, I found myself dealing with an ex wife who was convincing my oldest boy I was a monster, people who I thought were my friends stopped supporting me and going from having money to living day to day.

Losing a son because I could no longer live a false life with a woman I did not love, really hurts.  He was my first and we had so much in common.  We were so close.  I was crushed when he rejected me.

Losing friends that I grew up with because they thought I should be miserable for the sake of the children, was a blow I did not expect.  I felt so alone.  I kept saying to myself: "I'm a good person.  Why would they do this to me.  I didn't divorce them, I divorced someone they knew was making me so unhappy.  Why me God."

Financially, I had to live with a roommate.  Here I am an executive at Xerox Corporation living in a small two room apartment with a sloppy smelly roommate - UGH!!  I had a beat-up old Oldsmobile with less than two thousand dollars to my name - triple UGH!!!

Bottom line, I did not see any light at the end of the tunnel.

After a few months of "woe is me," I took a step back and thought: "I could stay in this depressed state for life or I could think about what I could do to generate a light through all this darkness.  Once I put the burden of happiness on my shoulders, things started to turn around.

First, I started to look carefully at the things that were right with my life.  I made a difficult decision leaving an unhappy situation.  I had to pay the price for that.  If I stayed in the marriage, I would have been unhappy, angry and frustrated.  I would not have any positive energy to give to my spouse or my kids.  I was sure that had I not made this decision, things would have gotten worse not better.  My friends were all wrong.  I truly believed this painful decision was for the good of not only me, but for all involved.

Having this strong belief opened a crack of light.  I stopped punishing myself and started loving myself.  I was able to tell the kids that I was not the best father, but I had forgiven myself.  If they decided to have a crappy life so they could blame it on me, that was their choice.  I was no longer responsible for their happiness.

My youngest boy got the message.  He knew what I was dealing with at home and decided to support me.  Every hug he gave me opened more light at the end of the darkness.  I had to accept my oldest boy would not come around.  However, I allowed myself to be Ok with it because he was protected by his mother (in some ways too much so).

Then to my surprise, people I knew who weren't considered my "best" friends, came to me and said that although they did not want to get in the middle of our problems, they would support and care for me through the divorce.  What a relief.  I felt loved.  I no longer felt alone.  I appreciated friendship even more.  Months and years later many if my so called "best" friends realized how hurt I was and nourished me even more.  The light was getting brighter by the day.

Lastly, I decided to leave my roommate and move into a tiny apartment by the beach.  The best way I can describe how small the apartment was is that when I sat at the end of my single bed to tie my shoes, I hit my head on the wall in front of me.  It was small, but it was mine.  Although I had to stand up to eat in my so called kitchen, it was my kitchen with my food in it.  Apples and peanut butter taste really good when you're happy.

I had a great job.  My employees really liked working with me.  The other executives respected me.  Some became true friends.  I was great at my jobs.  I knew I was good enough when it came to work.  I knew I would make back all the money I had lost.  I was happy with what I had.  Any additional benefits that came my way were gravy on a delicious roast.

In a short few months I went from "woe is me" to "I love life again."  It happened because I decided to accept what was happening to me and do my part in creating the bright light at the end of the darkness.