Take My Wife.....Please

Take My Wife.....Please

 
 
 
That one liner is from the late and great Henny Youngman. In my father's time, Henny was considered the king of the one liners. Here are just a few of them:
 

Airline Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"


Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"


Drunk Jokes

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

 
Hollywood Jokes

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
 
 
Henny was really funny, but he passed his crown to the next great one liner, Rodney Dangerfield. Rodney's jokes surrounded around the concept that he got no respect. Here are just a few:


Childhood
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
 
Doctors
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
 
Sex
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
 
Self
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
 
Wife
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion. 
 
Wife
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
 
Self
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
 
Doctors
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
 
Family
My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
 
Wife
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
 
Doctors
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
 
Wife
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
 
Self
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
 
Self
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
 
Self
I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
 
Wife
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
 
Wife Quotes
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
 
Sex Quotes
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
 
Sex Quotes
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
 
Sex Quotes
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
 
Wife
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
 
Family
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
 
Self
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
 
Doctors
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
 
Wife
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
 
Self
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
 
Wife
Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
 
Sex
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
 
Wife
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
 
Wife
Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.
 
Family
I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
 

Even Woody Alan got into the act with a one liner from the movie Any Hall

Woody Alan
 
I would never join an organization that would have me as a member.


Humor is a critical part of helping you achieve happiness. If these one liners don't get you to laugh you either don't have a sense of humor, you're a very unhappy depressed person or you're in a coma. I'm sure we've all had a time when we wanted to say to someone "take my wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend....Please! If you say that in a serious tone, you need to get out of your relationship. If you say that with humor, you'll put a smile of everyone's face.


The best way to get out of a bad mood is to read, listen to or watch someone with a great sense of humor tell jokes. I know some of them will be bad, but don't focus on those. Focus on the ones that not only put a smile on your face, but get you to laugh.

Remember my quote: "the way I view my life is by the number of times I laugh."