Marriage I do - I don't

Marriage, I do - I don't

 

If there is one thing I'm overqualified to talk about its marriage. Two failed and one that is the Mother of all marriages. I realize I was extremely lucky with my third marriage, however, that marriage might have never happened without the education I received from the first two.


Let me start by giving you my definition of marriage:


Two people (man and woman, man and man, woman and woman) who are best friends, have decided to be monogamous with each other (I know there are marriages where the couples agree to have outside the marriage relations, but I don't believe that will work over the long haul), have the highest of trust with each other, love each other, each knows that the other will always be there for them and agree to have all the benefits and protections the states and government give to married couples. One last input, If you need a pre-nuptial don't get married because a pre-nuptial means you don't have all of the elements I stated above and therefore it's not in my definition of marriage.


My first two marriages did not live up to my definition of marriage and I believe that's why they failed. However, the knowledge I received from those marriages and the fact that my third marriage to Ellen is the best thing that has ever happened to me has enabled me to create my definition.


Ellen and I were together for four years before we decided to get married. In that time all but one of the elements in my definition was there. The last element was the one that got me to decide to get married "we agree to have all the benefits and protections the states and government give to married couples."  Ellen deserved to have these protections and benefits because I believed her love for me was unconditional.


That last element is why some people want a pre-nuptial. However, the purpose of the pre-nuptial is to circumvent the marriage laws given to us by the state and government. If you don't want your partner to have those benefits and protections, then your marriage will be a sham.


That last element costs me two kids, two homes and a lot of money. Therefore, you should be very clear what you're risking to get married. Again, if in any way you don't want to take that risk - DON'T GET MARRIED!!!!


Having kids is not a reason to get married. You can have kids, love your kids, raise your kids to the best of your ability and accept all the commitments with having kids without getting married. I don't think kids grow-up any better because their parents are married. Many times married couples have kids to try to keep their marriage together. IT NEVER WORKS. In most cases the marriage crumbles because of the stress of the marriage, the stress of the kids, the loss of spontaneity because of the kids and the lack of the marriage pillars described in my definition of marriage.


The best chance a kid has of growing up happy and successful is when to two people meet all my definitions of marriage and actually get married. However, if all that is missing from getting married is the last element (benefits and protections), those single but together people can raise fabulous kids.


Getting married because one of the adults says: "either marry me or we're over" IS NOT GOING TO WORK!  It might be OK for a few years, but in the long run someone is going to feel they were forced into the marriage. If you think the relationship will last longer because you're married - YOU'RE NUTS!


I believe when two people decide NOT to get married they have a better chance of a long loving relationship than two people who get married for the wrong reasons. When it comes to relationships (see my previous blog) the only thing marriage adds to two people falling in love, becoming best friends, being there for each other and mutual trust is the legal document that comes with marriage.

If you don't need the legal document - DON'T GET MARRIED! Just love and have fun with each other for as long as the relationship will last.