Laughter Is A Gift From The Universe

 Laughter Is A Gift From The Universe

My father always said: "no matter what year it was said or who said it because funny is funny." Below are just a few lines from famous comedians who know funny.
 
'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'
Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)

Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'
 From The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case (1930). Stan Laurel (1890-1965), Oliver Hardy (1892-1957).

'My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.'
Ellen DeGeneres (January 26 1958-)

'I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.'
George Carlin (1937-2008)

'Room service? Send up a larger room.'
Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

'Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.'

Chris Rock (February 7 1965-)

'I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for.'

WC Fields (1880-1946)

'God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.'

Robin Williams (1951-2014)

'How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?'

Steven Wright (December 6 1955-)

'You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.'

George Burns (1896-1996)

'Where there's a will – there's a relative!'

Ricky Gervais (June 25 1961-)

'Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is just terrible." The other one says, "Yeah I know. And such small portions."
Woody Allen (December 1 1935-)

'Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.'
Billy Crystal (March 14 1948-)

'A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.'

Jack Benny (1894-1974)

'I met a beautiful girl last night, but she was rather thin. I mean this is a skinny girl. You never saw anybody so thin. She turned sideways you didn’t see her. I took her to a restaurant and the maître‘d said to me, ‘Can I check your umbrella?’

Mel Brooks (June 28 1926-)

 'The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.' - Sid Caesar (1922-2014)

 Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.  Shecky Greene

 "This woman goes to a palm reader to have her palm read. The palm reader says, 'Your husband will die a violent death.' The woman says, 'Will I be acquitted?' " -- Mickey Freeman

 Jewish Jokes

Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human? A: When it graduates from med school.

Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised? A: Because a Jewish women wont touch anything unless it's 20% off

Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys... we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!  Redd Foxx 

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.   George Carlin 

As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.  Alan King

"It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!'"   Jackie Mason

 

If These Jokes Don't Put A Smile On Your Face, Take Less Prozac  

Kenny Felderstein

I think that comedy really tells you how it is. The other thing about comedy is that - you don't even know if you're failing in drama, but you do know when you're failing in comedy. When you go to a comedy and you don't hear anybody laughing, you know that you've failed. Carl Reiner
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/carl_reiner.html

I think that comedy really tells you how it is. The other thing about comedy is that - you don't even know if you're failing in drama, but you do know when you're failing in comedy. When you go to a comedy and you don't hear anybody laughing, you know that you've failed. Carl Reiner
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/carl_reiner.html

I think that comedy really tells you how it is. The other thing about comedy is that - you don't even know if you're failing in drama, but you do know when you're failing in comedy. When you go to a comedy and you don't hear anybody laughing, you know that you've failed. Carl Reiner
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/carl_reiner.html