Colonoscopy

Colonoscopy

For those of you under fifty years old getting a Colonoscopy is probably the last thing on your mind. For those of you over fifty, getting a Colonoscopy should be in your top three things to consider. 

The facts are there, ninety five percent of the people who get a Colonoscopy every five years after fifty have a ninety eight percent chance they won't get colon cancer or get an immediate cure if they do. Getting a Colonoscopy is on par with a man getting a PSA test (a test for prostate cancer) every two years and a woman getting a mammogram (for breast cancer) every year or two. 

Again, the facts are that today there are so many ways to fight cancer if you catch it early. Catching it too late, once it has spread to other organs, increases your risk of dying from cancer exponentially.  Why wait until it's too late? These are easy procedures.

The PSA test is just a blood test. A mammogram just requires a short procedure of pressing you beautiful breasts against a machine that will take a picture. Yes, it feels cold pressing against that machine, but better endure a moment of cold and squashy breasts to ensure a longer life.

Getting a Colonoscopy is another story. I just had one on Tuesday. The actual procedure is not only easy it's the best two hours you're going to get. Oh sure, they're going to shove a long tube with a camera on it up your ass, but you'll be having the best Propofol (the stuff Michel Jackson used) sleep you ever had. 

When you wake you'll feel great and the only thing that will hurt is when they remove the IV in your arm. The downside is the day before the procedure.

There are a few ways to clean out your disgusting intestines. One way is using a product called "Go Lightly" (WOW is that an oxymoron). You have to drink a gallon of this crap. A glass full every twenty minutes. It's lemon lime flavored and after drinking all of it you swear to yourself you'll never drink another 7UP the rest of your life.

About an hour and a half after drinking your first glass, believe me you're not going "Lightly" to the toilet. You're running there and blowing out things you never thought could ever reside inside you. After each glass (until the gallon is empty) you're running and blowing for about four or five more hours. They should shoot the marketing person who named this stuff "Go Lightly."

The other method (which my Doctor suggested I do) is to drink three ten ounce bottles of Citrate of Magnesium. You drink one and a half bottles at around five o'clock at night with sixty four ounces of fluid. The good news is you have the majority of the day to get things done. With "Go Lightly" your entire day is consumed with running and pooping. The bad news is the Citrate of Magnesium takes around five hours to get you going.

The going is not as intense as "Go Lightly," but you never know if you're going to fart or poop so you have to sit on the toilet forever. After the first bottle and a half you have to swallow the second bottle and a half at three o'clock in the morning. A few hours later you find yourself on the toilet until seven in the morning. If your procedure is at eight o'clock, that's a tight squeeze (PUN). 

The bottom line is you get no sleep with the Citrate of Magnesium, however you don't get as sore of an ass as with the "Go Lightly." The day before the Colonoscopy SUCKS THE BIG ONE!

The thing that saves the day is the procedure is easy and you know in a few days if you're still mister perfect. As annoying as these tests are, it's a great feeling knowing you care enough about your life and took the time to potentially extend your life.

Never Forget, Life IS Great