Are You A Great Parent

 Are You A Great Parent

School teaches us many things. Books tell us many things. However, where do we learn about parenting - from our parents? Where do we learn about ourselves when we're in our 20s, probably not from school or others. Neither of these two learning experiences do much for becoming a great parent. We are pretty much on our own.

NOTE: I believe every 20+ person should spend time with a therapist to learn more about themselves.

I'm a good person. I don't lie (ever). I love life. I care about people and are there for the ones I love. I'm affectionate (I love to hug). I'm just one of the good guys. Sooo, was I a great parent - NO.

My first marriage was a disaster. I had lots of buttons and my wife pressed every one of them. I didn't handle it well and there was a lot of yelling by both of us. I was managing people at a very young age (my 20s) and the stress of work added to my problems at home.

With Bob's help, I got rid of my buttons at forty, but I didn't have a Bob in my 20s. So with the yelling and the work stress, I didn't do a good job parenting my two boys. By my 30s the stress and the yelling got so bad I thought I was going to have a nerves breakdown. I had to leave the marriage or I would never have a happy life.

At the time, I didn't realize the major impact my decision had on my two teenage boys. My oldest decided that the only way to live peacefully in the house was to get on his mother's good side. My youngest hated his mother and she made his life miserable. 

I moved an hour away and visited with the kids on weekends. I thought everything was going to be ok - I was wrong. My oldest only wanted to see me when he needed money. When I stopped giving him money, he stopped seeing me. My youngest always seemed angry with me but I didn't know why.

The bomb hit much later in life when my youngest told me he never wanted to talk to me ever again. He blamed me for leaving him to fend off with his mother. He was right. I chose my freedom from his mother over being there for him. I tried to connect, but his pain and anger was too much to change the situation.

Today, that freedom has cost me my two sons, my great daughter-in - law, and my two grandkids (they haven't contacted me in many years). I thought long and hard about what I could have done differently back then. 

I know I could have spent more time with the kids, but, at the time, I didn't have the emotional strength to stay in the marriage. I believe that if I stayed, the negative situation in the home would have had a major negative impact on the kids anyway. However, deep down, I still feel guilty for not staying. I know, should my youngest or the grandkids need me, I would be there for them. 

What Bob taught me at 40 was to forgive myself. By forgiving myself for my bad parenting in the past, I have used all my energy to love and be there for others in the future. My wife, my family and my friends have given me a wonderful life now and I appreciate all of them.

Is anybody a great parent? Have any of you struggled with raising your kids? Do your kids respect you? Do your kids really care about what's going on in your life? Have you made mistakes that affected your kids?

I hope everyone who read my blogs have a fabulous relationship with your children. If not, remember, you are a good person and if necessary, forgive them and yourself.