Reach Out

"Reach Out" by The Four Tops

Now if you feel that you can't go on (can't go on)
Because all of your hope is gone (all your hope is gone)
And your life is filled with much confusion (much confusion)
Until happiness is just an illusion (happiness is just an illusion)
And your world around is crumbling down, darlin
Reach out come on girl reach on out for me
Reach out reach out for me
I'll be there with a love that will shelter you
I'll be there with a love that will see you through

When you feel lost and about to give up (to give up)
Cause your life just ain't good enough (just ain't good enough)
And your feel the world has grown cold (has grown cold)
And your drifting out all on your own (drifting out on your own)
And you need a hand to hold, darlin
Reach out come on girl reach out for me
Reach out reach out for me
I'll be there to love and comfort you
And I'll be there to cherish and care for you

I'll be there to always see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I can tell the way you hang your head (hang your head)
Your not in love now, now your afraid (you're afraid)
And through the tears you look around (look around)
But there's no piece of mind to be found (no piece of mind to be found)
I know what your thinking,
You're alone now, no love of your own, but darling
Reach out come on girl reach out for me
Reach out reach out.......... just look over your shoulder
I'll be there to give you all the love you need
And I'll be there you can always depend on me
I'll be there to always see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you

As you know from reading my blogs, my parents were two wonderful people who never would "rock the boat" when it came to conflict.  My mother's Jewish saying was: "sha still" - be quiet.  What she meant was don't fight back - rollover.  My father was the same.


My sister was just the opposite.  She was angry a lot and she took it out on me and them.  Knowing what I know now, I believe she resented my parents because they were poor and ordinary.  She never felt special and wanted them to be special so she could feel better.  As you know that never works and it didn't work for her.


When she would berate my parents (especially my father), they would not fight back.  They would never put her in her place.  Maybe if they did she would have been a happier person.  I know my parents would have been happier.  Daily life was a struggle in my family.  My sister made things worse.


I was four years younger and her actions affected my happiness at home.  I resented her.  I hated her. She hated me back.  We yelled and fought.  One day when I was twelve she, in a rage, took a butter knife and throw it at me.  We never spoke again after that day.


I not only hated her, I started to resent my parents because I felt I had to always be the good son.  I couldn't do anything wrong.  I was the one who had to make them proud.  I was the one who had to make their life happier.  If I failed, they would be crushed.  They had zero expectations of my sister, but had high hopes for me.  I never felt I could be good enough. I never felt I could be a happy go lucky guy.  I never felt I could take risks that might fail and upset them.


I know they loved me with all their hearts, but I also knew they were living their life through me.  It made them proud when I got a job in the computer business.  It made them proud when I became a manager and then an executive.  It made them proud when I went to college at night.  It made them proud when I got married and had kids.  I was their last resource for a happy life.


At thirty nine I got help with all the stuff that was inside me.  One of the things I had to deal with was my anger for my sister.  We had not spoken for almost thirty years.  I heard through my parents that she had men problems, drinking problems, social problems and was greatly unhappy.


My Mentor, Bob, told me I had to find a way to love her - not for her sake, but for mine.  My anger was hurting me.  He taught me that I didn't have to love my family, but if I could find a way to love the ones I hated the most, my life would get better.  Bob was right then and he is still right today.


At forty one, I called my sister.  She was very cold on the phone.  I told her she could hang up on me, but I was going to call her at least once a week.  A month later, I flew from LA to Philadelphia.  I hugged my father and we cried together.  That was the first time I saw him cry.  


I then went over to my sister's house.  She reluctantly let me in and I immediately hugged her.  It was awkward, but I hung on.  In a few seconds, which felt like hours, we were hugging each other.  It felt so good.  I felt so happy.  Here was this person, who I hated for thirty years, making me cry because she hugged me back.  All my anger was gone and I believed all her anger was gone. 


The next years were great.  We talked at least once a week.  During my mentoring, Bob helped me understand why people act out the way they do - that included me.  With that understanding, I was able to be sympathetic and empathetic to my sister.  She and I were not that dissimilar.  The stuff inside us was just played out in different ways.  She didn't have a happy life and became an alcoholic.  I wasn't having a happy life (until I got help) and became a workaholic.  


She was fighting alcoholism and at fifty she got her AA ten year token.  I was so proud of her.  Then the sh.. hit the fan.  They discovered she had stage four ovarian cancer.  She felt like:


Now if you feel that you can't go on 
Because all of your hope is gone 
And your life is filled with much confusion 
Until happiness is just an illusion 
And your world around is crumbling down, darlin
Reach out come on girl reach on out for me

Because:
I'll be there with a love that will shelter you
I'll be there with a love that will see you through


I was there, helping her fight for her life.  I was there helping her live the best she could for today.


When she felt lost and about to give up
Cause her life just wasn't good enough 
And she felt the world has grown cold 
And she was drifting out all on her own 
And she needed a hand to hold, darlin
Reach out come on girl reach out for me


Because:
I'll be there to love and comfort you
And I'll be there to cherish and care for you


Four years later, she went into remission.  We were ecstatic.  She fought the hard fight and I loved myself because I was there for her.  Six months later the worst happened - the cancer came back aggressively.


I could tell the way she hung her head 
She was not in love now, now she was afraid 
And through the tears she looked around 
But there's no piece of mind to be found 
I knew what she was thinking,
She felt alone now, no love of her own, but darling
Reach out come on girl reach out for me


just look over your shoulder
I'll be there to give you all the love you need
And I'll be there you can always depend on me
I'll be there to always see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you


My sister, Shirley, died four months later.  I felt so sad.  However, I was also so happy that I had thirteen years with her.  I felt happy that I could be there for her especially through the worst of times.  I felt good that for the first time in a long time she had happiness in her life.  I felt happy that I was able to encourage her to fight this horrible disease for four years when the doctors said she only had a few months to live.  I felt happy we were brother and sister for the first time.  

I felt happy I overcame anger for my sister and found love.