Friends and Happiness

"My friend" is one of the most misused statements in all the languages around the world.  The reason is people use the word "friend" as a catch all to anybody who is another human being they like. 

I grew up in a poor neighborhood where "friend" meant something specific.  Sooo, to be clear let me break "friend" into four categories:

1. Loved ones
2. Friends
3. Acquaintance
4. People that will help your career and/or better your life.

Love ones:

These are the people you love and who love you.  The operative word here is "love." The problem is many people describe "love" in different ways.

Puppy love has a differing meaning for young boys than girls.  A boy thinks it's about sex or being with the hottest girl in school.  The girl thinks it's about sex, but places more emphasis on being with someone that treats them better than their parents or the father they never had.  However, boy or the girl, it's all about hormones.

Spouse love can be different than relative love, love of your children, or love of your pet. Falling in love is different than being in love.  Many people confuse "love ones" with "friends."  What we all can agree on is giving love and getting love makes us happy.

To separate "love ones" from "friends, I'll give you my definition of "love."  Love can start out as hormonal, a friendship that gets more serious, or needing someone for security and then falling in love at a later time.  In any of these cases, love has to mature over time. 

I'm in love with my wife Ellen.  We started out on hormones.  We couldn't get enough of each other.  After the first year I realized that she was my best friend (I'll discuss "friend" next).  It's twenty seven years later and I am as horny for her today as I was our first month together.  However, in addition my hormonal attraction to her, I want to be with her because she makes me happy.

She loves me just the way I am - and I'm not easy to love sometimes.  I love her just the way she is.  Sure there are things I would like her to change, but the pluses far far far outweigh the minuses.  I have many more minuses than her, but she still loves me just the way I am.

When we fight with each other the situation only lasts a very short time (like minutes) because we both know we love each other.  Once you truly know that you are in love with someone and that they are in love with you, fighting is counterproductive.  We are not ever going to leave one another.  If Ellen is fighting with me it is never because she hates me.  Ninety percent it is because she is having a bad day or I pressed a negative button from her past or she doesn't feel good.  She knows the same is true about me.

Once we get it out of our system, we take a step back and realize that it is never about us and therefore, after a few deep breaths, we know that both of us love each other and will always be there for each other. Once you accept that fact, the fight is over. 

In love also means that we never want the other to be unhappy.  It's so much easier to say "I'm sorry" when we do something that makes the other unhappy.  In love also means that you appreciate each other.  Ellen is my third wife.  I thought I was in love with the other two, but after my years with Ellen, I realize I never loved them the way I love her.  Many times I lay in bed looking at her sleeping and thinking how lucky I am.

I appreciate so many things about her and I know there are many things she appreciates about me.  I love that everybody we meet want to be around her.  I appreciate that she is the source of positive energy.  She makes me want to be like her (positive energy begets positive energy).

Sooo, love is something that has to mature over time.  All the things I mentioned as to why I'm in love with Ellen took time to be realized.  Love is knowing the person will always be there for you.  Love is feeling loved by the other person.  Love is believing that you will always be together through good and bad times.  Love is appreciating each other.  Love is feeling positive energy from each other.  Love is making each other happy.

A famous actor was asked what was his secret to being with one woman for thirty years when, being a movie star, gave him so many options with other women.  He responded: "it's easy to be a lover with one woman for a few months or a year, however a great lover is one who can please (not just sex) a woman for her whole life.

Here comes the blog plug.  If you want to read how Ellen and I fell in love, read my blog "Three is a Charm."

Friends

Can't I love my friends?  Many of the aspects of love exists in a friendship, however you are not in love with a friend.  A friend is someone who wishes you well and wants you to be happy.  A friend is someone who you believe would be there for you in need.  A friend is someone you enjoy hanging out with.  A true friend make you happy.

However, a friend is not a "love one."  When you are in love it's like the other person is part of you.  A friend complements you.  Friendship could last forever, but how many of us have had a friend that has disappointed us.  How many of us have had a friend that left us or we left them. 

Friendship can change over time.  People go their own way.  True love, as described above, does not change over time.  That is why true love needs to mature to a point that it will not change over time. 

For someone to become a true friend they have to past the "wish you well - I'll be there for you" test.  If they pass the test, they become a true friend.  A friend is someone that you "believe" wishes you well and will be there for you.  A true friend has completed the test successfully.  A true friend has to be someone that is full of positive energy.  A negative energy person could be a friend, but never a true friend.

I have a few true friends.  One of them, Mark, was a surprise.  When I divorced my first wife, a few of my so called close friends left me.  It was a shock to my system because these were people I grew up with and "believed" would always be there for me.  Mark was not a close friend - he was just a friend.  However, as soon as he heard I was leaving my wife, he called me and said:  "Kenny are you alright?  I heard what is going on and I want you to know that my wife Patty and I will not be taking sides.  We want you to be happy and if we can do anything for you, let us know."  At that moment, Mark (and Patty) became a true friend. Over thirty years have passed and we are still true friends.

A "true" friend can become a "love one" (as it was with my Ellen).  A friend, on the other hand, is just a friend that you "believe" will become a "true" friend.  I have many friends and a few true friends.  Having friends and true friends makes me very happy.


Acquaintance

Too many people meet someone for one or two times and call them a friend.  An acquaintance is not a friend.  You don't have any expectations that an acquaintance will be there for you, wishes you well or will make you happy.  An acquaintance is just someone you met that might become a friend over time. 

People who say they have a hundred friends are for sure counting acquaintances in that list.  It's great to have as many acquaintances as possible.  The reason is that some of them might become friends.  The more friends you have can lead to more true friends which can lead to more love ones.  You are happy when you have friends, happier when you have true friends, and the happiest when you have love ones.

Therefore, collect as many acquaintances as possible, but stop calling them friends.  Calling them friends diminishes the friends you do have.


People that will help your career and/or better your life


These are not people you meet - these are people you seek.  It's important to seek out people that can help your career or better your life.  As a Mentor, I am someone a person, who is not happy, should seek.  I can make that person's life better.  There are other people that can help you with your career and your life.  Find them.  Everybody need a little help in life.  The more of these people in your life the better your life will become.  The better your life becomes, the happier you become.

The best part is that some of these people might become an acquaintance, who then might become a friend, who then might become a true friend, who then might become a love one.  The more of these people you have in your life the happier you will become. 

Happiness leads to positive energy.  Positive energy leads to more positive energy which leads to more happiness